The Wood Between the Worlds

I discovered this term the other day: FOMO.

Fear Of Missing Out.

I have major FOMO, and I think I always have. It's kind of a relief to put a term and a definition to the feeling. From as early as I can remember, I have loved life, and have wanted to do EVERYTHING! I could never really narrow down an instrument to play or a sport/activity/hobby to focus on for long enough to really excel. And forget about figuring out what I want to be when I grow up!! A midwife? A landscape architect? A photographer? A family therapist? I'm all over the place and can't decide. I hate the idea of picking a place to live forever. I wonder what I could be missing if I lived in X place, or Y place, so I may end up moving to both of them just to see.

I remember when I worked for Brighton Camp- it was my dream come true, and I had nothing tying me down. The world was my oyster.  I had to go to every single gathering, training, party, trip, play date, hike, fireside, etc, because I did not want to miss any of the fun.

I no longer have time to go to all the parties or to play all the sports, but there is one thing I always wanted to do- I ALWAYS wanted to be a wife and mother and I ALWAYS wanted to have the experience of raising both a boy and a girl. Missing out on either of those experiences would give me major life FOMO. And realizing that this is a thing that is part of my nature, it helps me to feel a lot more validated in my fear/sadness/grief born of not raising a daughter. This is a real, valid experience that I am missing. Writing it down like this somehow makes me feel better.

And now I think I may have rediscovered the usefulness of my blog as a journal, not meant for everyone, though I'm interested in seeing some different directions that I might take.

Something really wonderful happened to me today. It was something that I really needed. A friend at church painted a picture of my family, including Elsa, and gave it to me. She was worried that I wouldn't like it...It made me melt into tears. I would post a picture of it, but I've re-wrapped it so Brent can open it on Christmas. I will post a picture later. I'm having a late night- trying to fulfil my parental responsibilities- making muffins for early morning seminary, while the baby repeatedly cries- wanting me, and Brent, who is pretty sick with a cold that has spread to his chest, should not get out of bed.
I hope nobody feels bad about this next part, because it's no ones fault. It's just circumstance. But I've been really struggling lately, and haven't had anyone to talk about it with. I don't think anyone can quite understand, and without the proper perspective, I'm worried it will be misunderstood. I can't quite understand why Heavenly Father took away my daughter and then only to send me more sons. Lots of sons. Crazy sons, whom I love with everything I am, whom I can appreciate their zest and energy, but they exhaust me. And I'm having major FOMO. It's been bad lately, and there's not much I can do about it except be patient and endure. And be grateful, every single day, for my 5 sons and Angel daughter. Over the years, I have prayed an embarrassing amount, if there is such a thing, for Heavenly Father to send me another daughter. Both Brent and I have received revelations that it would happen. But our parental resources are currently finite. Every additional son is loved beyond belief, but also brings a deeper sadness to my life, and a wonder why Heavenly Father will not answer my prayers the way I felt He would. These feelings are only escalated by the fact that we live in a heavily girl dominated Ward, and I often feel left out because we don't have one to add to the mix. And there are a bunch of girls just Elsa's age. Oh how I would love to work in activity days or young women, but to make matters worse, I feel I am forgotten I'm Cub scouts for an unforseeable amount of time. It's almost been 3 years right now. And I REALLY don't mean for this to sound like complaining, because that's not what this is. I am HAPPY to serve in the cub scouts, I love boys, and the cub scouts. It's just that considering the circumstances, I have been feeling so lonely and forgotten. I know the Lord loves me, as I have received an undeniable witness of that several times. But I wondered if He would send me even a glimmer of understanding right now? Would He prompt someone to brighten my life right now? I truly did not want to burden anyone with these thoughts and feelings, but I have had several lonely and dark times lately.
Anyway, tonight after pack meeting a sister in my ward approached me out of the blue with this gift. This is someone who is busy with 5 kids of her own- similar ages to mine, including a daughter who is the same age as Elsa. She a not my visiting teacher. We have done little more than coordinate a few scout meetings together. I never would've expected her in a million years to even think about me or how I might be missing my daughter right now. But she painted me this beautiful picture of my eternal family, of which she obviously put a great deal of thought and study and prayer into. And it brought me to tears. Heavenly Father sent me just a little something, through someone unexpected, to show me His love. And this can definitely help me to hang in there a bit longer- for who knows what? For who knows how long? Maybe just until my reality becomes more ok with me. Maybe until the baby sleeps better. I do not know what the Lord has planned for me. But I do know He is aware of me. If I could get rid of this pain and longing, I would. But I can't. But at least I know He loves me.

It's been a while.

My thoughts and feelings are getting bottlenecked.
Competing with pictures and news on Instagram and Facebook.

8 years ago today, Elsa was ALIVE in my belly. Maybe for the last time, I'm not sure. But at my midwife appointment, 3 days before she was born, she was ALIVE, and I was alive. We were together.

Since my spirit does not exist within the time constrains of this world, I can visit this day as if it is still in front of me. It is such a special, exciting time. The time I spend with Elsa in my belly is so sacred. My joy is full. The excitement of finally getting a girl. A GIRL!  It is the happiest time of my life.

These memories used to make me sad. For many years. I looked forward with all of my heart to being pregnant with another girl, so that I could have these feelings again, and this time, the feelings last, my daughter is born alive, and I get to raise her. But that righteous desire of my heart has not come to pass. Each passing year would bring a little more sorrow in that.

Now a paradigm shift. Time is not a thing where she is. That moment of pure joy can last and last and  last forever. And that joy can get me through this life. No longer do I need to compare my joy to others' or most importantly, to my own past joy. I OWN MY JOY, and nobody, and certainly not time, can take that away from me.

Elsa, you belong with me.