The Wood Between the Worlds

10.22.12
Monday was our first day to head out on our own, and we did ok!  I think.  My sister had us well versed on the amount of pushiness required to ride the subway.  We had a pretty full schedule planned (we were going to take the subway to Times Square, walk to the River and get on the Water Taxi, take it to the 9/11 memorial, Brooklyn Bride, The South Street Seaport, etc...but somewhere between getting off the subway and making it to the Water Taxi, we were given a convincing sales pitch to buy tickets for the Hop-On-Hop-Off Bus Tour instead of the Water Taxi.  And thus, we fell victim to the dog-eat-dog sales tactics the city is known for.  But that's ok.  It was fun!


 After walking around a little bit, trying to orient ourselves on which direction we needed to go to get to the World trade Center Site...we were lucky enough to notice a small store front where you pick up the free tickets for the 9-11 memorial, which was blocks away from the memorial.  We ducked inside and waited in line for tickets, which did not take long...HOWEVER, the next available entry time for the memorial was an hour away!  NOT quite enough time to see anything else before, and TOO MUCH time to stand around waiting!  So we decided to walk across Lower Manhattan during that hour, through the Financial District and over the the South Street Seaport.  A note of advice: you can reserve tickets over the phone or online, to save time.  Wish I had thought of that before!  Also- we were hoping to visit the African Burial Ground, across from The World Trade Center Site...but it is closed on Mondays.  Bummer!  We read several recommendations for that place.

OK, that picture on the top left is the only picture we took in the Financial District.  It is a statue of George Washington, erected on the location where he was inagurated as the first president of the United States.  Pretty BIG deal!  The rest of the pics are at the Seaport.  The middle pic on the bottom is the Titanic Memorial Lighthouse.

 After leaving the 9-11 Memorial, we had planned to walk across the Brooklyn Bride and get pizza at Grimaldi's (famous pizza), but instead we decided to take the Hop on Hop off Bus back uptown to visit the MOMA (Museum of Modern Art) before it closed for the day.  We could always see the Brooklyn Bridge after museums are closes, after all.  We had City Passes for the MOMA and wanted to make sure to use them!
Here are our pics from the ride back uptown:


We left the MOMA pretty hungry, having skipped lunch trying to pack everything in!  We had heard the cafe at the MOMA was fantastic, and were hoping to eat there, but alas, it closes when the galleries do.  We wanted to spend our precious hour there looking at the art, not eating.  So we wandered around the city for a little bit, looking for a place to eat!
 We had city passes for the Empire State Building as well, and it is open LATE!  So no problem fitting it in our schedule.

*I started this blog post weeks ago, but never had time to finish it...and wasn't really sure I was going to until today.  I had been having the desire to lighten up the blog a little, as it's been heavy with my thoughts lately, and I was worried that my friends and family have not been enjoying that.  But today as I was trying so hard to get the computer to upload my pictures from day 2 of our New York trip...they just wouldn't upload...they still have not (something is seriously wrong with our internet).  So I took that as my nudge to finish this post instead.  I know it is what I needed to write today.  

NEWSFLASH: I have changed positions since I wrote this blog entry, two years ago: {i need a girl}.
 
Immediately after we lost Elsa, I knew we were going to have another girl.  I pictured in my mind exactly how beautiful our story would be in the end...mother looses daughter, mother grieves honorably, mother puts all her trust in God, and finally mother gives birth to another healthy, living daughter.  Perfect.  Everyone in the land rejoices.  And they live happily ever after.

Perfect, in my eyes...but as we soon come to learn, that is NOT how the Lord's timetable for our lives will proceed.  And I knew it even before Elsa was gone, that we were having another boy.  I prayed, I pleaded, and I bargained for another girl first.  I promised we WOULD have another baby boy if He wanted us to, if He would send another girl first.  I THOUGHT it was what I NEEDED to help me heal.

Before we were pregnant with Oliver, I had this perfect, peaceful feeling that God was sending us a boy and that he was going to be wonderful.  We were going to love him so much, and he would be everything that we needed.  As the pregnancy commenced and proceeded, I pushed away those feelings and convince myself that of course God would send us another girl. 

 It took a while after we had Oliver to be happy with him.  I'll be honest there, but once I did wonderful love entered into my life.  And then I thought "if I start praying now, surely my next baby will be a girl."  So I would pray and ask for a girl every morning and every night.  And then I would ask if He was going to send me a girl.  I always get the answer "yes".  But then I would ask if my next baby would be a girl {because heavens knows I am impatient and have already waited through two pregnancies for a girl when I thought I was already getting one...I can't wait anymore!}.  But my answer always felt like boy next, boy next.  I had a hard time accepting that and would push that feeling away and only dwell on the good feeling I got when I prayed about  a girl.  {Enter Milo, whom we adore.  It only took one instant for me to be happy with him-it was the instant I caught him in the birth tub.} 

Truly I have wearied the Lord with all of my prayers on this subject.  I had heard of other women praying for the gender they wanted, and then getting it...and I thought if it worked for them, it should work for me.  But the thing I didn't get was that the Lord knows each of us, sees the big picture and knows exactly what we need.  But everywhere I look, the spirit is teaching me to "ask, and ye shall receive."  And I believe that with all of my heart.  So I continue to pray.  I had this experience a couple of months ago where I was asking the Lord if I was going to have a girl, or if we could expect to have all boys...when suddenly I received a different answer than before.  The spirit told me that we would have all boys until we get Elsa back.  I fought that answer in my heart.  NO!  How could that be!  But then something changed within me: after only a few moments, I accepted that answer.  Ok.  We will have another baby and it will be another boy...if that's what we need to do, that's what we'll do.  And we will be happy.  For quite a few years I have felt a fraction of what Mary, the mother of Jesus must have felt: I have willingly become a vessel for the children God wants me to have, no matter the cost to my heart.  "Be it unto me, according to thy will."

As soon as I accepted that answer, almost immediately I felt a burning in my chest that we would have another girl, and that previous answer was just a test to see if I could let go of my will and trust the Lord.  Wow!  So now I feel like I'm setting myself up for a win-win situation on my next baby because if I get a girl, great!  But if I get another boy, I know with all of my being that it will be the Lord's will and we WILL love it.  Before I went to Oliver's ultrasound, I remember telling someone the line from Elder Wirthin's talk a few years back "come what may, and love it."  I said it, but I had no idea that I didn't really mean it.  But now I mean it.  I really do.

Just about a few weeks after this experience we watched general conference.  There were several amazing talks that caught my attention, which I already wrote about...but one talk I didn't write about was President Henry B. Eyring's "Where is the Pavilion".  This talk was like a follow up message from the Lord to me, about the above experience...reinforcing that yes, I had created a pavilion between the Lord and I by fighting His answers previously.  But by accepting them, I was removing the pavilion giving me direct access to God.  President Eyring's daughter in law removed the pavilion by finally giving up her desire to have another baby, and leaving it in the Lord's hands.  I removed the pavilion by accepting, truly accepting the baby that God needs us to have.

Then, if that weren't enough, last Sunday a friend on Facebook posted a link to a blog by CJane (which I have never read before) about her experience with infertility.  It was amazing how it corresponded with the experience that I have had.  Even though I have never had fertility issues, I could relate to exactly what she was saying.  It's like I've had girl fertility and girl loss problems.  I don't mean to mock anyone who has gone through fertility problems, because I only gained a glimpse of what that must be like when Elsa died and I had to wait another frustrating year without a baby.  But when CJane shared that although she experienced 5 years of infertility, she always knew she would conceive a baby, AND before she conceived she was finally able to be happy and to accept her life.  Wow.  I GET that.

Ok, one more thought...I'm sorry if this post is perfectly boring.  It is helping me so much to get all my thoughts out.  Today I stayed home from church with two sick babies.  I wanted to review last month's conference talks during church time, but my toddler just wouldn't have that!  He was grouching at me for doing anything that didn't include paying attention to him.  So we decided to pick out a living scriptures dvd to watch together instead...cuddled on the couch.  That was acceptable to him.  First we watched The Lord's Prayer, and the spirit cemented my earlier thought in this post about prayer...that you can never pray too much for something you are asking the Lord for.  I won't give up until I die.  But the second movie we watched was I think The Signs of the Times, and it was about the last days of the Savior before His sacrifice.

I saw that story in a new way today:
The Jewish people were in bondage to the overbearing Roman Empire.  They were hoping for a miracle, a Messiah to deliver them.  Even the apostles just a few days before the crucifixion were wondering when He was going to pronounce himself King, and deliver them from the Romans.  And truly that was what they needed!  Truly that was not a wrong thing for them to desire.  They believed that He was the Son of God, and the Messiah, and that He could perform miracles.  Then the next thing they knew, He allowed Himself to be taken and crucified.  It must have felt like a punch in the gut to them.  But they could not see the whole picture.  They could not see that IF He threw down the Romans and was not crucified, all mankind would be lost forever.  They could not see what a HUGE frustration to the plan of salvation it would have been, if He had given them the temporal deliverance from their earthly bondage.
Likewise, I know that when my prayers were not answered like I thought they were going to be, and when I did not receive the good things that I so greatly desired and prayed so hard for...I know there is a bigger picture.  I MUCH bigger picture, that I cannot fully see.  I know that God has a great purpose for me, that I cannot always see.  But like the original Apostles, I still believe in Him.  I still know He loves me.  And little by little that bigger picture is being revealed.  But it probably will remain somewhat of a mystery to me until after I die.  And that's ok.

The question may come to anyone who reads this (as it has come to my mind, and also to my husband's) of why I want a daughter so badly.  Why do I put myself through this?  Why do I go to all the trouble to pray and think all of this through?  Why go to all of the trouble to write this all out?  And the answer is simple:  I have ALWAYS felt I was going to have a daughter.  Always.  Sometimes I ask myself the question: was Elsa that daughter I always felt?  But the spirit tells me, there is another.  "Faith in the Lord includes faith in His timing." -Elder Neil A. Maxwell 

Yet, I know we will have one AMAZING life if we have all boys.  Because if we do, I know the Lord's plan is SO MUCH bigger than mine.  So although I would greatly like another girl, I do NOT need another girl.                  

I really should be in bed right now...but I feel like I need to get my thoughts and feelings down before I forget.

As to why I am starting this so late...my toddler has decided that it is about time he starts having an attitude and some independence.  And it took me THREE hours to get him to bed tonight.  I eventually had to give in and lay down with him so he would fall asleep.  It took him so long that I fell asleep too. So technically I already have a couple of hours of sleep behind me for tonight.  Let's hope this phase doesn't last long.  He's been a great sleeper for the past year, and I'm hoping that tonight's debacle was due to him napping until 7:30 pm.  Yeah...it was kind of one of those moments that we were blissfully unaware of how late it was getting.  WON'T let it happen again!

Anyway...wow!  It seems like I *just* posted about spring conference not too long ago, and here we are again!  Except this time I am not pregnant and I have a three month old baby.  Woah!  But it seems like General Conference is getting more and more applicable to my life each and every session.  Or maybe I'm growing more aware of the spiritual prompting that Heavenly Father is sending me.  Either way, more and more of the talks seem to apply just to me...and that is an amazing feeling.  To think that I'm important enough to Heavenly Father that He would have his leaders and apostles speak about something I need to hear (I'm sure lots of other people needed to hear them too, but still!).

Here are just a few of the talks that I can recall off the top of my head:
President Thomas S. Monson's talk where the age of missionary service is lowered to 18 for men and 19 for women:
WOW!  My first thought is that my son could be leaving on a mission in 7 and a half years, if he chooses to...no pressure to leave that soon!
My second thought is that I would've gone on a mission if the age was 19 instead of 21.  I can't imagine how different my life would've been.  I love the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, and I always have.  I REALLY wanted to serve a mission.  But alas, I met my husband when we were 17, he left on a mission when we were 19, and he came home when we were 21.  I decided to marry him instead of leaving him for another year and a half.  That was a great decision, and I have no regrets, because during that time I was able to graduate from college AND spend my summers serving the Young Women of our church at Brighton LDS Camp.  I did what the Lord wanted me to do with that time.  
And last of all, WOW!  I got complete goosebumps when I saw the newsfeed on my facebook account of all the Young Women who are 18 and 19, how excited they are about this new change, and how many of them are planning to go on a mission earlier, and what that means for our world.  How is our world going to be changing in the next few years with this many more missionaries out there?  How many more people will have the opportunity to learn of our Savior's love, and personal revelation through the holy ghost, and the saving ordinances that we participate in...including the one that allows families to be sealed together during this life, so that we can always be a family after we die?  How much sooner is this going to get the earth ready for the return of our Savior?  How much sooner is this going to make the great resurrection and the time that I get to hold Elsa again?  All of these things will be wonderful, and I hope know that these new missionaries will make a great difference in our world.

Elder Bowen's talk about his little boy that died too soon:
Ah!  How sad it is that our children can die before their parents!  This talk was such a comfort though, to know that other people...even General Authorities are going through the same challenges as I am, and some of us are.  And that it is ok to know that we will never be the same until we are reunited as a family again.  And to know that God is aware of me (and all of us baby-loss parents) to send us that message.

President Eyring's talk about submitting to the Lord's will and making ourselves more available to His will.  Actually there were many, many talks about being disciples of Jesus and making ourselves totally available to His will.  Elder Holland, Elder Hales, Elder Osguthorpe, Elder Bednar and President Monson's concluding remarks.

There were also a few talks specifically about how the Lord is aware of each of His children individually.  I will have to go through and listen to all the talks again to sort them out, but the main one that sticks out to me is actually from the Relief Society broadcast from last weekend.
The Second Counselor Linda S. Reeves gave a talk which I felt was very similar to President Eyring's talk on Saturday.  It seemed to speak to me specifically in certain ways that are just a little too private for me to share just yet...maybe someday.  But it helped me greatly feel that the Lord is aware of me.  But to add on my personal witness that the Lord is aware of me, I am going to share a very personal story from the day that Elsa was born.  I wondered if I would ever feel the prompting to share this story publicly but after this General Conference, I feel like I must add my very sacred story of the knowledge I have that the Lord is real, and that He loves me very much.  And THIS my friends (if you're still reading this far then truly you are my friend) is THE STORY that got me through (and still gets me through) the tragedy of Elsa's death.

This story starts on a Sunday.  It is Stake Conference, and I am 38.5 weeks pregnant.  I am having contractions in the morning.  I wonder if I should go.  Since it does not seem like active labor yet, I decide to go to stake conference and sit through the two hour meeting while I'm having contractions.  I don't remember any of the talks from this meeting.  I don't remember who spoke or what they said.  But what I do remember, just like it was yesterday, was our Stake President getting up in front of the pulpit before the opening song (Hymn #52, The Day Dawn Is Breaking) and saying "The Lord wants us to sing this song today.  I don't know why, but He does."  I have never seen or heard of that happening before: someone getting up and saying specifically that the Lord chose a hymn, so it really touched me and I felt that *I* had better pay close attention to the words of the song.  The hymn is all about the Second Coming, the Morning of the First Resurrection, the Millennium, happy reunion with our loved ones lost.  So I think to myself, WOW!  I wonder why the Lord wants us to sing this hymn?  Is the Millennium coming soon?  Cool!  And I sit through the rest of the meeting, not really listening to the speakers because I am focusing on contractions that are getting stronger and closer together.  And I am trying to keep my little boys (4 years old and 7 years old) from touching me or climbing on me.  Yow!  And I'm feeling kind of excited and hopeful that labor is starting and that my baby girl might be born today!  And I'm sitting there with no conscious idea of what has already happened to my baby girl.
So what happens next, I've already shared.  I've already shared Elsa's birth story.  You can go back and read it if you like.  It's the most popular post on my blog.  It might have gotten my midwives entangled in a stupid, unfounded little political mess.
Right after Elsa is born is when this story ties back in.  I realized *why exactly* the Lord wanted us to sing "The Day Dawn Is Breaking" at Stake Conference, and why it was so important that our Stake President did something completely out of the ordinary by getting up and telling us so.  That was for me.  Out of everyone in the stake, it was for me.  AND, the Lord did that for me.  He did that to let me know that He was aware of my immense trial that would lie before me.  He did that to reassure me that it was part of His plan.  He did that to let me know what a special time the Morning of the First Resurrection was going to be for me.  He did that to reassure me that I would get Elsa back, irregardless of the fact that she was stillborn and didn't take her first breath.  He did that for me.  And I know it!  Whenever I think about it, it brings me great comfort.  I can feel His arms wrapped around me, and know that He is aware of me.
My friends, I know that the Savior lives, and that He is aware of each of us.              

I just wanted to get on here quick and say sorry for my post last night. Several nights of little sleep have caught up with me and it's been a little tough. But that's no excuse. I love my life, and I'm grateful. I'm excited to exercise for myself...so I can feel good and happy. Whether or not I get pregnant again. And as far as that subject goes, I promise I will be happy whatever happens. I told myself when I was pregnant with Milo that whether girl or boy, I would be happy. Even if I have 10 boys and no more girls, I refuse to grow old, sad and bitter.  I really hope we get another girl. I have all the faith and hope in the world that God could give us that blessing if it is His will. And we will pray about it, and follow His will. That's been my big lesson through all this...just learning to trust His plan for me. It's SO HARD to do. I like control. But I am slowly learning to let go...  And as for comparing myself to others...it is poison!  It only brings misery. That is another big lesson..one in which, admittedly I've been struggling with my whole life. I need to be happy as me, because that's what I have.  I have so many friends having girls right now. Several of them are having their first girl after many boys. A couple of them are having a girl after loosing a girl and then having a boy. I feel like I'm being bombarded with all these mini tests. I will not be jealous, I will NOT be jealous!  It's easy to feel happy for them, but hard to not be jealous too.
If you read this, thanks.

This is me speaking, today.  Not two months ago.  I'm going to skip a bunch of stuff to just get some thoughts down on here.  Life has gotten a *bit* busier with four kids than it was with two or three...but it is especially busy because the two youngest are a baby and a busy, curious toddler.  As much as I want to keep up on the blog...for my personal record, and for the friends and family we don't get to see much...it is kind of falling by the wayside.  The first day of school is tomorrow so hopefully that means things will get less hectic, we'll be doing less stuff, I'll have less to blog about, and can catch up.

Did I mention I am a bit busier?  Ok...really I'm getting spanked!  It was *really* hard there for a while when baby wanted to nurse 24/7 and toddler was getting into everything.  Baby wouldn't let me put him down and toddler resented that and started hitting him.  Toddler is also very fond of the toilet, and that's not a good combination.  *Sigh*.  I can justify all of this insanity because I am SO, SO grateful to have healthy, breathing babies.  While it does seem to be getting better in the baby neediness department and the toddler jealousy department...there were still those days that I had to break down and cry.  UG!  As much as I love my two babies, I can't help from thinking that we probably would've been done having babies after Elsa, if she hadn't have died...and I could be avoiding all this insanity!  (Well we might have had one more...maybe).  And I wonder why it is that some of my other friends got to have their two boys and one girl and head on their merry way...and we didn't.  I know that everyone has their share of hardships, and I understand that others' hardships lie in another area...and it doesn't do any good to wish my trials were different because they aren't.  And honestly, the biggest secret I've learned through all of this is that gratitude is the only way to be happy.  And I am SO grateful.
And happy.  But I'm also sad.  It's a dichotomy that I think you can only understand if you've lost a very dear one.  And so now we decide...do we keep having kids until we get another girl (can you picture me in a 15 passenger van...yeah, me neither), so the only thing I'm left mourning for is Elsa and not the loss of having a daughter {in this life} all together?  Or do we adopt a girl?  Adoption would be a sure thing...but NOT an easy road.  Unless someone has a girl they want to give me.  Someone GIVE ME A GIRL!  Please.  {I can be polite}.  But we have some time to think about this...because like I said, I'm pretty tied up at the moment.

Have I mentioned that for a split second, I thought we might be adopting a baby a few weeks before Milo was born.  Crazy, huh?  My midwife had a client that needed a family for her baby at the last minute because she was backing out of her adoption agency.  The client didn't know the gender.  I thought it might be a girl, and it was.  But we didn't get picked, and I'm glad.  Can you imagine my life if I had twins and a toddler?  Think I'm busy now??  No, seriously...we could have handled it, but I don't know how much we would've enjoyed or even remembered.      

I didn't intend for this to be a whining post, and I'm sorry.  I know that life isn't fair, and regardless of that I know that I am abundantly, ABUNDANTLY blessed in every aspect of my life.  But I did want to say that school starts tomorrow!!  And despite the fact that I will be sad to say goodbye to two great helpers with the baby/toddler and two great house cleaners, I will NOT miss their teasing and fighting!  And despite the fact that I will miss summer and sunshine and spontaneous trips to the beach (but let's face it: it's not really spontaneous if it takes until noon to get out the door), I will be happy to have structure again.  I will be happy to finally be able to potty train my toilet loving toddler, because we'll actually be home!  It will feel so good to get into a regular exercise routine and get back in shape, so I can help kick that baby pudge out the door...and let's face it: so I can get into my skinny jeans again just to get pregnant again.  Unless someone gives me a girl in the meantime!  I'll also be excited to have time to sew and can and look at all the glorious recipes I've pinned on pinterest so I can plan my menu and grocery shopping around some fun new recipes!  And BLOG!  And start cloth diapering again because I'll actually be home to wash them.  And maybe join a midwifery study group!

So if you are one of my friends who is 1) excitedly awaiting the arrival of a baby girl 2) sending your precious 3 year old daughter off to preschool, or 3) feeling guilty over the arrival of your newest baby because you no longer mourn your angel baby as much...know that I love you, and I'm happy for you.  And wishing I was feeling the same.  But I'm also grateful that I'm not...because I am in LOVE with Oliver and Milo.  And I know that Elsa really is right here with me.
So ENJOY!    

Before I can write Milo's birth story, or even explain the meaning of his name...I feel like there is a lot more of the story which needs to be recorded.  I had a lot more processing to do once again.  I struggle in knowing how much of it I should make public...I do not want anyone to misinterpret my story.  But because I have often felt so alone on my path, I feel like I should share some of the struggles and triumphs I've had...in hopes that maybe it will help at least one other person out there.

After loosing Elsa, part of the reassurance I felt from the Lord was that I would be able to have another daughter.  I felt for sure He would give me that daughter right away, so I was surprised when my next baby was Ollie.  It took me a long time to get over the fact that he wasn't a girl, which is such a conflicting emotion to have when you're about to have a miraculous new baby.  Actually, it took me until Ollie was about 9 months old to stop feeling so sad that he wasn't another girl.  But then a miraculous thing happened...I grew to love Oliver SO much that I knew I would never want a girl instead of him.  People told me that would happen, but I didn't believe them.  Life was so unfair, and I was cheated.  As much as I tried not to feel that way, I did.  But Ollie wiggled his cute little smile and personality into my heart, and then I realized it was ok.  More than ok.  Time with him has gone so quickly, and he has grown up to be a little boy before I could even blink.


The next event occurred last September, when I had a dream...several dreams actually.  My first dream was so real and vivid that when I woke up, it lingered.  I couldn't stop thinking about it and the sweet, peaceful feeling accompanied the dream.  The dream took place at my midwives' office (the birth center).  I was there for a routine prenatal exam and when I was giving a urine sample, I felt a strong urge to push...so I did.  After the easiest labor ever...I caught a long, slender baby all by myself in the bathroom.  When the baby came out, I was amazed...but I remembered to check to see which gender the baby was...and it was a girl!  I was lifted up in sublime rapture...and that was the feeling that lingered with me throughout the rest of the day (and the feeling still continues).  In the space of the next two weeks I had several more dreams about having a girl.  I started to pray about it, and felt like maybe we should considered having another baby sooner than we thought we were going to.  Then at October General Conference, Brent had an impression that he needed to get prepared to raise a daughter.  We thought for sure we were going to have a baby girl, and shortly thereafter found out we were pregnant.  


I spent the first half of my pregnancy feeling pretty sure that God was finally going to send us another daughter.  Then before my ultrasound, I had a distinct impression that my children were not for me.  They were not my possessions to dress up and parade around.  Instead they are the children that God needs me to raise.  He has a calling for me, and it is to take care of the spirits that He needs to send to me right now.  And that He loves me very much, even if He does not answer my prayers how or when I want Him to.  I started to have the feeling that our baby might not be a girl...and realized that I needed to prepare myself for the possibility that we might have another boy.  I knew from my experience with Oliver that another boy could be and would be amazing...but I didn't want to spend the rest of my pregnancy disappointed like I did with Oliver's pregnancy, so we decided not to find out the gender.  


When we went to have the ultrasound, all I had to do was look at my baby's face and I knew it was a boy.  So I spent the rest of my pregnancy 90% sure that the baby was a boy.  However, I still couldn't shake the profound dream that I had before I got pregnant...so I couldn't 100% convince myself it was a boy.  Most of the time I was completely fine with the baby being another boy.  But I had my moments of wondering why God would do this to me and how the circumstances of my life could be so unfair (especially compared to other's around me who had a baby girl who didn't die).  


There was a time where I searched for someone who I could relate with...someone who would understand what I was going through.  I have several friends who only have boys, who can understand the disappointment in not having a girl; and I have several friends who have lost a baby.  But I do not know ANYONE who has all of one gender and the baby they lost was the opposite gender.  I was feeling so alone.  It just seemed like God did not do that to anyone, because it was too much!  I came to the realization that whichever gender my baby was going to be, it was going to be difficult sometimes...because I lost my baby girl, and I'm going to be feeling that for the rest of my life.  I was able to then realize that I have two separate issues going on...I lost a baby, AND I really want a girl.  It was in a moment of inspiration that I remembered one of my roommates from collage.  Her parent's story was influential.  They were a young couple, living in Finland when they had their first baby...a boy.  Next they had a girl (my roommate), and their 2 year old son died of cancer.  This event would shape the rest of their lives.  When they met the missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormon church) (my church), they normally would not have been interested in the church.  But they were told that through the ordinances administered in the church, families are sealed together forever.  They could have the chance to raise their precious son again...and they were converted.  My roommate's father became a cancer researcher at a prominent Ivy League University in the United States.  They went on to have 3 more daughters (4 including my roommate) before they finally had another son.  I can imagine how they must have yearned for another son.  Anyway, it is a blessing to have known this particular roommate...because for one thing, she was an amazing friend and very interesting to get to know her and her family's story...but I never could have guessed that so many years later, her families story would come to my mind and help me know that I am not the only one this has happened to.  


Still there were (and still will be, I'm sure) days where I wish I could have my daughter and be done having kids.  More and more of my friends are saying they are done having kids...many of them have two boys and one girl.  There are days where I am so tired and can't possibly imagine adding any more kids to the mix, although I still feel that daughter is coming...but then I wake up the next morning and everything is better, and I realized that those crazy days are fewer and farther between.  But on one of those particularly tumultuous day, I was searching for an answer, and on a whim decided to type my question into google.  It was for sure an answer to my prayer that the google search engine came back with this article by Elder Richard G. Scott (who seems to be having lots of articles I can relate to lately). It is all about how we need to trust in the Lord through our adversities, and trust that they will be for our good.  That was a turning point for me, in which I decided that I was going to be happy with whatever gender the Lord sends to us.  That I can trust in Him that there is a great purpose for my willingness and ability to be pregnant and grow bodies for His spirit children (whether they use them now or later)...and there is also a great purpose in the tests and trials that I have had, will continue to have, and in which I have already seen great blessings as a result of in this life.


So it came to very little surprise to me when this baby came out, and he was a boy!  But the one thing that has changed during this pregnancy is my perspective and my desire to do the Lord's will...and my attitude that I can choose to be happy with what I have been given.  And for certain, my soul has been filled with complete gratitude and joy.  And I know I will be ok...even if I never end up with another girl in this life (although I would still really like one!).  I know I could be a really great mama to girls or boys...so I'm just going to go ahead and trust that the Lord knows how best to utilize my life.  But I'm still going to allow myself to grieve for my daughter whenever I feel I need to...because grief is a result of love.  And I am definitely filled with love.                

As a young girl I went to this summer camp called Brighton Camp and I loved it so much that I worked there for 3 years when I was in college.  One of the big things about camp is singing songs, and Brighton is no exception.  There are a lot of songs, and I enjoyed them so much that I learned to play the guitar so that I could play and sing with my campers.  One of the really popular songs with all the 12 and 13 year old girls is "Misty's Song".  As a young girl, in the middle of adolescent struggles with friends, school, family problems, etc, it just speaks to you.  As a staff at the camp, the young women wanted to sing it so frequently that it gets really old.  After three years of singing it 100 times every week, I was so sick of it and really thought it was just cheesy.  Especially in the context of a counselor and a camper singing it together.

Today I had an ah-ha moment.  I haven't thought about this song for years, and suddenly out of the blue, it popped into my head...and I thought "this is *exactly* how I am feeling *right now*!" {well mostly just the last two verses}.  And then I thought "this song was probably written by a mom who lost her little daughter".  Who knows.  As a camper and a camp worker I always thought this song was written for girls camp.  But the origins are mysterious.  Who wrote this song?  Who is this Misty?  To me, the only Mistys I have ever known were rocker chicks in junior high with 2 foot high bangs, and with {you guessed it} obvious adolescent angst {ok, so I did have a roommate in college named Misty who was a pre-med student}.  But just take a look at the words and think about it.  These words were written by someone *REALLY* missing a special someone.  A kind of longing that just cannot be duplicated between a camper and a staff member.  These words were written by someone really struggling with enduring through trials of life.

Tell me the reason I am so far from home?
Tell me the reason only birds can fly?

source: facebook

Tell me the reason I was born just to die?

How many mountains will I have to climb?
How many memories will I leave behind?
How many daydreams will I make come true?
How many heartbreaks until I find you?

There is a valley called peace of mind.
There is a river running right by its side.
There is a moment of glory so new.
There is eternity to spend loving you.

Here I am 30 weeks pregnant.  I just realized yesterday that I was 30 weeks pregnant with Elsa when we took our vacation to Alaska.  I was so careful with her.  Even though we did lots of crazy stuff like helicopter rides and kayaking and dog sled rides, I was always checking to make sure she was moving.  She was so good through it all.  I never imagined that anything would happen to her.  {I wanted her SO MUCH.}  Looking back at pictures, I don't think I would've believed she was going to die.  I still can't believe she did.  I want her back more than any language can express.  How long is this life going to take before I can hold her again?  Some days I just can't imagine.
That valley called peace of mind only exists in my dreams.

Every time I looked out the back window this December I noticed how the snapdragons from Elsa's birthday celebration were still in bloom.
The line "In the Bleak Midwinter" would come to my mind immediately, as I had been practicing that song with our church's choir for our upcoming Christmas program.  Here in Oregon we don't quite have a bleak midwinter, with snow falling on snow and a frosty wind.  But we do have a season of darkness, where the days are shorter and the nights are longer; the leaves fall off of most of the trees.  But to look out my back window every day and see this pink blossom brought a thought of summer to my heart of winter.  A thought of hope and life in a time of darkness, and made me think of one of my favorite poems, written by French Existentialist philosopher and author Albert Camus after he suffered a deep loss:

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

These days I'm always behind.  I guess our lives are getting to the point where we have less downtime in which to blog our doings.  I still want to document the important things in our lives (for posterity!) , but I need to catch up MAJORLY.

I've been a bit discouraged with the internet this past month.  Up until a month ago it's been a pretty great place for me to share my feelings and experiences.  And it's sometimes (?) been a place where others can come for inspiration...whether that pertains to the grief journey or inspiration for family adventures.  About a month ago I was violated.  I don't want to go into too much detail about it as I wish to avoid bringing the perpetrator undeserved attention.  Some midwife-hater stole my blog content (pictures and writing) and posted them on an anonymous hate website...pretty much bashing my midwife (who if you remember Elsa's story, you know that my midwife did nothing wrong).  Well...I had been warned from the get-go that in posting my very personal story on the internet, I would leave myself open to this kind of harassment.  I really didn't believe that it would happen to me, since there was NO QUESTION that Elsa's death was no-fault situation.

Anyway, in the past month I have been through many thoughts about my little online space.  My knee-jerk reaction was to make my blog private, or just remove Elsa's story.  But it didn't take me very long to realize that was not the best idea.  I did not want to surrender to these cyber-bullies, and let them think they are right in what they are doing.  So I'm leaving it all up.  All are free to read it and pass their own judgement.  Legal action may also be taken in the future...but I'm not sure I should say any more.  I just think that all in all, I'm going to be a lot more careful about what I write on here.  And that is sad.

But I want to send a clear message to this anonymous blogger:
You will not succeed in doing what is not right!          

Today...or yesterday, as it is now WAY past my bedtime...marks the passage of two years since our adored angel Elsa was born.  I have so much to say...I don't even know how to organize it all.

These past few months, I have been feeling well.  Really well, and have found what feels like a "good" place in my feelings toward Elsa and life in general.  I *finally* figured out a way to stop feeling jealous of everyone with little girls!  That was a HUGE step toward feeling good.  I can't even explain how I let go of that twinge of jealousy...but my heart needed it.  And I was also able to let go of my pride a bit and see that Elsa's death (and every time I feel sad or jealous) is a chastisement for my little self from God.  I listened to this talk in our church's General Conference over and over {I tend to do that...I take one or two favorite talks and listen to them until they sink in SO well...}  "As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten".  First of all, isn't it SO good to know that God loves me?  No doubt!  My very favorite part of this talk is when Elder Christofferson tells the story of President Hugh B. Brown and his current bush.  He had a bush that was overgrown and not bearing any fruit, and so he cut the bush way down because he knew that would help the bush to grow fruit the way it was intended.  And he imagine the bush saying:








                          Lara=sister                                                                     Tara=like a sister
      peppermint tea with cream and sugar!