Before I can write Milo's birth story, or even explain the meaning of his name...I feel like there is a lot more of the story which needs to be recorded. I had a lot more processing to do once again. I struggle in knowing how much of it I should make public...I do not want anyone to misinterpret my story. But because I have often felt so alone on my path, I feel like I should share some of the struggles and triumphs I've had...in hopes that maybe it will help at least one other person out there.
After loosing Elsa, part of the reassurance I felt from the Lord was that I would be able to have another daughter. I felt for sure He would give me that daughter right away, so I was surprised when my next baby was Ollie. It took me a long time to get over the fact that he wasn't a girl, which is such a conflicting emotion to have when you're about to have a miraculous new baby. Actually, it took me until Ollie was about 9 months old to stop feeling so sad that he wasn't another girl. But then a miraculous thing happened...I grew to love Oliver SO much that I knew I would never want a girl instead of him. People told me that would happen, but I didn't believe them. Life was so unfair, and I was cheated. As much as I tried not to feel that way, I did. But Ollie wiggled his cute little smile and personality into my heart, and then I realized it was ok. More than ok. Time with him has gone so quickly, and he has grown up to be a little boy before I could even blink.
The next event occurred last September, when I had a dream...several dreams actually. My first dream was so real and vivid that when I woke up, it lingered. I couldn't stop thinking about it and the sweet, peaceful feeling accompanied the dream. The dream took place at my midwives' office (the birth center). I was there for a routine prenatal exam and when I was giving a urine sample, I felt a strong urge to push...so I did. After the easiest labor ever...I caught a long, slender baby all by myself in the bathroom. When the baby came out, I was amazed...but I remembered to check to see which gender the baby was...and it was a girl! I was lifted up in sublime rapture...and that was the feeling that lingered with me throughout the rest of the day (and the feeling still continues). In the space of the next two weeks I had several more dreams about having a girl. I started to pray about it, and felt like maybe we should considered having another baby sooner than we thought we were going to. Then at October General Conference, Brent had an impression that he needed to get prepared to raise a daughter. We thought for sure we were going to have a baby girl, and shortly thereafter found out we were pregnant.
I spent the first half of my pregnancy feeling pretty sure that God was finally going to send us another daughter. Then before my ultrasound, I had a distinct impression that my children were not for me. They were not my possessions to dress up and parade around. Instead they are the children that God needs me to raise. He has a calling for me, and it is to take care of the spirits that He needs to send to me right now. And that He loves me very much, even if He does not answer my prayers how or when I want Him to. I started to have the feeling that our baby might not be a girl...and realized that I needed to prepare myself for the possibility that we might have another boy. I knew from my experience with Oliver that another boy could be and would be amazing...but I didn't want to spend the rest of my pregnancy disappointed like I did with Oliver's pregnancy, so we decided not to find out the gender.
When we went to have the ultrasound, all I had to do was look at my baby's face and I knew it was a boy. So I spent the rest of my pregnancy 90% sure that the baby was a boy. However, I still couldn't shake the profound dream that I had before I got pregnant...so I couldn't 100% convince myself it was a boy. Most of the time I was completely fine with the baby being another boy. But I had my moments of wondering why God would do this to me and how the circumstances of my life could be so unfair (especially compared to other's around me who had a baby girl who didn't die).
There was a time where I searched for someone who I could relate with...someone who would understand what I was going through. I have several friends who only have boys, who can understand the disappointment in not having a girl; and I have several friends who have lost a baby. But I do not know ANYONE who has all of one gender and the baby they lost was the opposite gender. I was feeling so alone. It just seemed like God did not do that to anyone, because it was too much! I came to the realization that whichever gender my baby was going to be, it was going to be difficult sometimes...because I lost my baby girl, and I'm going to be feeling that for the rest of my life. I was able to then realize that I have two separate issues going on...I lost a baby, AND I really want a girl. It was in a moment of inspiration that I remembered one of my roommates from collage. Her parent's story was influential. They were a young couple, living in Finland when they had their first baby...a boy. Next they had a girl (my roommate), and their 2 year old son died of cancer. This event would shape the rest of their lives. When they met the missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormon church) (my church), they normally would not have been interested in the church. But they were told that through the ordinances administered in the church, families are sealed together forever. They could have the chance to raise their precious son again...and they were converted. My roommate's father became a cancer researcher at a prominent Ivy League University in the United States. They went on to have 3 more daughters (4 including my roommate) before they finally had another son. I can imagine how they must have yearned for another son. Anyway, it is a blessing to have known this particular roommate...because for one thing, she was an amazing friend and very interesting to get to know her and her family's story...but I never could have guessed that so many years later, her families story would come to my mind and help me know that I am not the only one this has happened to.
Still there were (and still will be, I'm sure) days where I wish I could have my daughter and be done having kids. More and more of my friends are saying they are done having kids...many of them have two boys and one girl. There are days where I am so tired and can't possibly imagine adding any more kids to the mix, although I still feel that daughter is coming...but then I wake up the next morning and everything is better, and I realized that those crazy days are fewer and farther between. But on one of those particularly tumultuous day, I was searching for an answer, and on a whim decided to type my question into google. It was for sure an answer to my prayer that the google search engine came back with this article by Elder Richard G. Scott (who seems to be having lots of articles I can relate to lately). It is all about how we need to trust in the Lord through our adversities, and trust that they will be for our good. That was a turning point for me, in which I decided that I was going to be happy with whatever gender the Lord sends to us. That I can trust in Him that there is a great purpose for my willingness and ability to be pregnant and grow bodies for His spirit children (whether they use them now or later)...and there is also a great purpose in the tests and trials that I have had, will continue to have, and in which I have already seen great blessings as a result of in this life.
So it came to very little surprise to me when this baby came out, and he was a boy! But the one thing that has changed during this pregnancy is my perspective and my desire to do the Lord's will...and my attitude that I can choose to be happy with what I have been given. And for certain, my soul has been filled with complete gratitude and joy. And I know I will be ok...even if I never end up with another girl in this life (although I would still really like one!). I know I could be a really great mama to girls or boys...so I'm just going to go ahead and trust that the Lord knows how best to utilize my life. But I'm still going to allow myself to grieve for my daughter whenever I feel I need to...because grief is a result of love. And I am definitely filled with love.
Our Dancing Queen
2 weeks ago
5 comments:
This same talk was such an answer to prayer for me when it came out! I have shared it with many but never saw it applied in the way you have learned from it. I love you! You are wonderful and amazing. Thank you again for your example.
What a journey these last few years have been! I'm so happy that you have found answers and peace along the way, even in such tough circumstances. Thanks for always being such a great listener when I've been whining about not getting things my way too. I think I really am ready to accept, move on, and be grateful for my family which is a great feeling. I'm amazed how different I feel already now that Sully is here, and is a real person to me. I try to remind myself of the day I had my ultrasound and found out he was a boy, and how I prayed so fervently before and felt the Lord telling me that it was going to be ok and that he knew what was best for our family. Sometimes it feels so hard to keep that trust, but I'm trying, and I know you are too. Thanks for being such an awesome friend, and example. Love ya.
Love you Kate! Thank you for you're genuine thoughts. You are an inspiration!
All of your children are so blessed to have you as a mom. You are amazing.
Okay thanks for:
A) making me cry
B) making me feel that I should actually be grateful for my trials in life instead of complaining a lot (which I do).
Elder Scott always gives the best, most thought provoking talks I think.