The Wood Between the Worlds

I really should be in bed right now...but I feel like I need to get my thoughts and feelings down before I forget.

As to why I am starting this so late...my toddler has decided that it is about time he starts having an attitude and some independence.  And it took me THREE hours to get him to bed tonight.  I eventually had to give in and lay down with him so he would fall asleep.  It took him so long that I fell asleep too. So technically I already have a couple of hours of sleep behind me for tonight.  Let's hope this phase doesn't last long.  He's been a great sleeper for the past year, and I'm hoping that tonight's debacle was due to him napping until 7:30 pm.  Yeah...it was kind of one of those moments that we were blissfully unaware of how late it was getting.  WON'T let it happen again!

Anyway...wow!  It seems like I *just* posted about spring conference not too long ago, and here we are again!  Except this time I am not pregnant and I have a three month old baby.  Woah!  But it seems like General Conference is getting more and more applicable to my life each and every session.  Or maybe I'm growing more aware of the spiritual prompting that Heavenly Father is sending me.  Either way, more and more of the talks seem to apply just to me...and that is an amazing feeling.  To think that I'm important enough to Heavenly Father that He would have his leaders and apostles speak about something I need to hear (I'm sure lots of other people needed to hear them too, but still!).

Here are just a few of the talks that I can recall off the top of my head:
President Thomas S. Monson's talk where the age of missionary service is lowered to 18 for men and 19 for women:
WOW!  My first thought is that my son could be leaving on a mission in 7 and a half years, if he chooses to...no pressure to leave that soon!
My second thought is that I would've gone on a mission if the age was 19 instead of 21.  I can't imagine how different my life would've been.  I love the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, and I always have.  I REALLY wanted to serve a mission.  But alas, I met my husband when we were 17, he left on a mission when we were 19, and he came home when we were 21.  I decided to marry him instead of leaving him for another year and a half.  That was a great decision, and I have no regrets, because during that time I was able to graduate from college AND spend my summers serving the Young Women of our church at Brighton LDS Camp.  I did what the Lord wanted me to do with that time.  
And last of all, WOW!  I got complete goosebumps when I saw the newsfeed on my facebook account of all the Young Women who are 18 and 19, how excited they are about this new change, and how many of them are planning to go on a mission earlier, and what that means for our world.  How is our world going to be changing in the next few years with this many more missionaries out there?  How many more people will have the opportunity to learn of our Savior's love, and personal revelation through the holy ghost, and the saving ordinances that we participate in...including the one that allows families to be sealed together during this life, so that we can always be a family after we die?  How much sooner is this going to get the earth ready for the return of our Savior?  How much sooner is this going to make the great resurrection and the time that I get to hold Elsa again?  All of these things will be wonderful, and I hope know that these new missionaries will make a great difference in our world.

Elder Bowen's talk about his little boy that died too soon:
Ah!  How sad it is that our children can die before their parents!  This talk was such a comfort though, to know that other people...even General Authorities are going through the same challenges as I am, and some of us are.  And that it is ok to know that we will never be the same until we are reunited as a family again.  And to know that God is aware of me (and all of us baby-loss parents) to send us that message.

President Eyring's talk about submitting to the Lord's will and making ourselves more available to His will.  Actually there were many, many talks about being disciples of Jesus and making ourselves totally available to His will.  Elder Holland, Elder Hales, Elder Osguthorpe, Elder Bednar and President Monson's concluding remarks.

There were also a few talks specifically about how the Lord is aware of each of His children individually.  I will have to go through and listen to all the talks again to sort them out, but the main one that sticks out to me is actually from the Relief Society broadcast from last weekend.
The Second Counselor Linda S. Reeves gave a talk which I felt was very similar to President Eyring's talk on Saturday.  It seemed to speak to me specifically in certain ways that are just a little too private for me to share just yet...maybe someday.  But it helped me greatly feel that the Lord is aware of me.  But to add on my personal witness that the Lord is aware of me, I am going to share a very personal story from the day that Elsa was born.  I wondered if I would ever feel the prompting to share this story publicly but after this General Conference, I feel like I must add my very sacred story of the knowledge I have that the Lord is real, and that He loves me very much.  And THIS my friends (if you're still reading this far then truly you are my friend) is THE STORY that got me through (and still gets me through) the tragedy of Elsa's death.

This story starts on a Sunday.  It is Stake Conference, and I am 38.5 weeks pregnant.  I am having contractions in the morning.  I wonder if I should go.  Since it does not seem like active labor yet, I decide to go to stake conference and sit through the two hour meeting while I'm having contractions.  I don't remember any of the talks from this meeting.  I don't remember who spoke or what they said.  But what I do remember, just like it was yesterday, was our Stake President getting up in front of the pulpit before the opening song (Hymn #52, The Day Dawn Is Breaking) and saying "The Lord wants us to sing this song today.  I don't know why, but He does."  I have never seen or heard of that happening before: someone getting up and saying specifically that the Lord chose a hymn, so it really touched me and I felt that *I* had better pay close attention to the words of the song.  The hymn is all about the Second Coming, the Morning of the First Resurrection, the Millennium, happy reunion with our loved ones lost.  So I think to myself, WOW!  I wonder why the Lord wants us to sing this hymn?  Is the Millennium coming soon?  Cool!  And I sit through the rest of the meeting, not really listening to the speakers because I am focusing on contractions that are getting stronger and closer together.  And I am trying to keep my little boys (4 years old and 7 years old) from touching me or climbing on me.  Yow!  And I'm feeling kind of excited and hopeful that labor is starting and that my baby girl might be born today!  And I'm sitting there with no conscious idea of what has already happened to my baby girl.
So what happens next, I've already shared.  I've already shared Elsa's birth story.  You can go back and read it if you like.  It's the most popular post on my blog.  It might have gotten my midwives entangled in a stupid, unfounded little political mess.
Right after Elsa is born is when this story ties back in.  I realized *why exactly* the Lord wanted us to sing "The Day Dawn Is Breaking" at Stake Conference, and why it was so important that our Stake President did something completely out of the ordinary by getting up and telling us so.  That was for me.  Out of everyone in the stake, it was for me.  AND, the Lord did that for me.  He did that to let me know that He was aware of my immense trial that would lie before me.  He did that to reassure me that it was part of His plan.  He did that to let me know what a special time the Morning of the First Resurrection was going to be for me.  He did that to reassure me that I would get Elsa back, irregardless of the fact that she was stillborn and didn't take her first breath.  He did that for me.  And I know it!  Whenever I think about it, it brings me great comfort.  I can feel His arms wrapped around me, and know that He is aware of me.
My friends, I know that the Savior lives, and that He is aware of each of us.              

As a young girl I went to this summer camp called Brighton Camp and I loved it so much that I worked there for 3 years when I was in college.  One of the big things about camp is singing songs, and Brighton is no exception.  There are a lot of songs, and I enjoyed them so much that I learned to play the guitar so that I could play and sing with my campers.  One of the really popular songs with all the 12 and 13 year old girls is "Misty's Song".  As a young girl, in the middle of adolescent struggles with friends, school, family problems, etc, it just speaks to you.  As a staff at the camp, the young women wanted to sing it so frequently that it gets really old.  After three years of singing it 100 times every week, I was so sick of it and really thought it was just cheesy.  Especially in the context of a counselor and a camper singing it together.

Today I had an ah-ha moment.  I haven't thought about this song for years, and suddenly out of the blue, it popped into my head...and I thought "this is *exactly* how I am feeling *right now*!" {well mostly just the last two verses}.  And then I thought "this song was probably written by a mom who lost her little daughter".  Who knows.  As a camper and a camp worker I always thought this song was written for girls camp.  But the origins are mysterious.  Who wrote this song?  Who is this Misty?  To me, the only Mistys I have ever known were rocker chicks in junior high with 2 foot high bangs, and with {you guessed it} obvious adolescent angst {ok, so I did have a roommate in college named Misty who was a pre-med student}.  But just take a look at the words and think about it.  These words were written by someone *REALLY* missing a special someone.  A kind of longing that just cannot be duplicated between a camper and a staff member.  These words were written by someone really struggling with enduring through trials of life.

Tell me the reason I am so far from home?
Tell me the reason only birds can fly?

source: facebook

Tell me the reason I was born just to die?

How many mountains will I have to climb?
How many memories will I leave behind?
How many daydreams will I make come true?
How many heartbreaks until I find you?

There is a valley called peace of mind.
There is a river running right by its side.
There is a moment of glory so new.
There is eternity to spend loving you.

Here I am 30 weeks pregnant.  I just realized yesterday that I was 30 weeks pregnant with Elsa when we took our vacation to Alaska.  I was so careful with her.  Even though we did lots of crazy stuff like helicopter rides and kayaking and dog sled rides, I was always checking to make sure she was moving.  She was so good through it all.  I never imagined that anything would happen to her.  {I wanted her SO MUCH.}  Looking back at pictures, I don't think I would've believed she was going to die.  I still can't believe she did.  I want her back more than any language can express.  How long is this life going to take before I can hold her again?  Some days I just can't imagine.
That valley called peace of mind only exists in my dreams.

I just wanted to give a little shout out to my friend Hue.  She is an amazing artist and has a very witty blog.  Oh and also, her husband is a rock star!  You should check out her blog right now because she is giving away three of her beautiful limited edition prints.

Also check out her husband's band Fictionist.  They just got signed to the Atlantic Record Label.  I'm excited to see the great things the future holds for Hue & Hum!

This is something NEW for me because I am actually going to post something that we did today, TODAY!  Just this once...then I'll get back to my backlog.  Ha!

A Sunday evening stroll through our new neighborhood:














-John Denver song, penned by Randy Sparks
totally appropriate for a day like today.
P.S. Tara--this is where I was thinking of doing our photo shoot...hurry back before the flowers are gone!  :-)

At our house, we often talk about having a family band.  Once or twice we've recorded some music.  We need to do it more often!

So I'm obviously WAY behind on blogging (for my own personal benefit).  I'm a month + behind.  So keep on reading, as I've added several new posts today.  And more will be coming soon!  Someday my goal is to be totally caught up so that the current happening are what I'm blogging about.

Why am I so far behind, you ask?



 Well, there's three little reasons.  I had all these great books come to me at the same time.  You know, the kinds that you can't put down and you barely get anything done around the house until you finish.  I finally finished the Fablehaven series last night.  So let's hope that I'll have more blogging time now.

I've been wanting to make some changes to my blog, but I'm not sure what.  So I added a couple new songs.  I am LOVING the band The Paper Raincoat.  We first head them at a Vienna Teng concert, where they were the opening gig.  Oh, they were awesome!  I added the song "Rewind" to my music list, if you want to check it out...in addition to the song "Sympathetic Vibrations" which has been there for a while.  Vienna Teng is also awesome.  We were introduced by her cousin Allen...one of our friends who went to Pharm school with Brent.  Savvy?  Speaking of my music list...I have changed it so that you have to click play to listen to it.  A lot of you have commented on how much you like my music list, so I thought I'd let you know you now have to click play.  I guess that a few people don't like it when music lists play automatically...so I changed it.  I don't really like that either...cause when I'm checking blogs, I'm usually listening to my music!   

A word to the wise, DO NOT pass up the opportunity to see Vienna Teng live in concert.  It is SO good.

Have any of you ever checked out babysteals.com, or totsy.com?  They are deeply discounted baby/kid clothing and gear websites.  I think they are addicting.  I have only bought a very few things...but I see how quickly the items get sold out.  People are shopping vultures.  The thing that gets me is that most days, the things they're selling are things I never knew I *had to have*.  By the way, let me know if you want to join Totsy.  I'll get a $15 credit if I send you an invite.  It's free for you.

When I was out jogging the other day I decided that from now on I'm going to say HI to everyone I pass.  EVERYONE.  No matter what.  I just want to be a friendly person.  So HI!

Ok...I better go to bed.  But I also want to know what is your favorite yummy canned item?  I usually can peaches and pears.  I love to do salsa, but it's a lot of work.  Same with applesauce.  

I am aware that Elsa would have been 11 months old two days ago.  I am aware that Elsa and her brother will probably be Irish twins (born less than a year apart).  I hope that will be a bond they'll share.

I have a favorite song that I recently became aware of in a new way.
One of my favorite bands from the 1990's: October Project wrote a haunting song called "Eyes of Mercy".

If I remember correctly it was written as a lullaby for the children of war-torn Bosnia.
It is meant to be sung by an adult to a child.
But recently I became aware that it is being sung to me by my daughter.  I believe that during my months of grief, my angel daughter has been ministering to me.  And the awareness of that swept over me one day as my ipod randomly shuffled to this song, and I listened to the lyrics with a new perspective.

Joshua and Brent both had their first recitals this past week...Joshua on the piano and Brent on the accordion! They both take lessons from the same teacher who lives around the block from us.


Joshua's teacher was surprised that Joshua sings all of his pieces while he plays them. She said that most students can't do that for quite a few years. Joshua enjoyed playing in front of a crowd and he said he "didn't have any stage fright!"

So after consulting with many good people...especially the very helpful few who have been through loosing a baby, I came to the conclusion that I needed some scheduled projects to help ease me through this time of waiting.  Thank you, you helpful people for all of your suggestions (you all know who you are).

We've got:

Piano!!

Hey Peeps!
Check out the new song that I put on the side bar "Oxygen" by Willy Mason and let me know what you think. Does it inspire you?

Chanticleer is the "clear-singing" rooster in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. Well, for my birthday Brent gave me tickets for us to go see the musical ensemble "Chanticleer," and we went to see them last Saturday at the St. Philip de Neri Church in Portland. From chanticleer.org:

"Chanticleer - based in San Francisco - has developed a remarkable reputation for its vivid interpretations of vocal literature, from Renaissance to jazz, and from gospel to venturesome new music. With its seamless blend of twelve male voices, ranging from countertenor to bass, the ensemble has earned international renown as “an orchestra of voices.”

My favorite music of the night was the Renaissance music. To give you an idea of how beautiful and ethereal this type of music is (especially in a Catholic church with a very high ceiling), I uploaded Franz Biebl's version of "Ave Maria" (that's my favorite version) to my music list on the side of the blog. It is the last song and they are on random, so you will have to search for it (if you would like to be uplifted by very beautiful music).

Thanks Annie and Nate for babysitting. We can't wait for our next concert: Vienna Teng in April! (She's on the sidebar too).

I strongly recommend that you go view the music video for New Soul on YouTube. (I would put the clip on here, but I can't figure it out.)

Keeping it real:
I just have to say why this song means so much to me. I discovered it last year during Joshua's kindergarten year from hell. It was at the point where I had just about hit my lowest point. I could no longer take the negative comments from the teacher and the principal almost every day and felt that Joshua (a new and different beautiful soul) was greatly misunderstood and misjudged. This song pretty much described how I felt at the time and surprised me with HOPE for a happy end. I especially appreciated that the person making the mistakes wasn't asking someone to make her "normal" but tried to take others "by the hand" to go "far away" and see a different perspective. OK, now you can see why I was crying by the end of this concert. But the good news is, that at this time in life it is a cry for remembering hard times only. It is not a cry in the present tense. For this year, it seems as though Joshua never had any problems in school. And this end boosts my confidence so much because this was the end that I suspected all along. I always knew that Joshua would mature and grow out of his issues and it appears that he is and has. It just goes to show that the mother's intuition is always right!
yAeLnAiM official website...eNjOy!