The Wood Between the Worlds

Hi.  I haven't written much about Elsa lately.  I feel that I have so much to catch up on with just "the life" blog posts, that my feelings can wait...but I've been reading other angel mama blogs tonight and I went back and re-read Elsa's story and tonight I'm just feeling it...and I WANT to feel it.

First of all, I have to give a shout out to all of the incredible angel mamas out there and your sweet angel babies.  Thanks for telling it like it is, good or bad.  It is incredibily important for others who follow to not feel isolated and alone.  And reading all of your experiences has been incredibly insightful.  I have only introduced myself to a few of you, but if your blog is linked from Alexis' and/or Preslie's blogs then I have taken a peek or two at your blog.  I apologize for not introducing myself properly.  But thanks again for your real experiences.  You are all an incredible force for good, and I wish that I could meet every one of you in person.

I am at a point in my healing progression where I am fine.  I still think of Elsa all the time.  I still have the nursery up and I like to sit in there and think about her.  I feel her spirit close, but the lack of her physical body leaves a pretty big hole in my heart.  But I am fine.  I am enjoying life here.  I am grateful to be alive.  I LOVE the rest of my family and we are enjoying some great times.  Lately I have felt conflicted between these two feelings...being fine and having a hole in my heart.  How can I feel both ways at the same time?  How can life go on without Elsa here and I be happy?  Well, I am happy.  And sad.  And that's the way it's going to be for the rest of my life, I'm sure.

I've been reflecting a lot about my time with Elsa.  As I've gone back and re-read the blog entries from when she died, I've realized that there are a lot of feelings that I had left out.  Mostly because I only identified them in hindsight.

For one thing, when I was pregnant with Elsa I never felt that she was going to be a part of our life here.  I was hesitent any time I bought something for her.  At the time I thought that it was because the ultrasound was wrong and it was going to be another boy.  But looking back I realize the only thing I bought for her was her blessing dress.  Nothing else was meant for her.  Nothing else is hers.  Unlike my other pregnancies, I never felt the 'nesting' sensation.  It took all the strength of my rational mind to get her nursery together.  Once again, I blamed that on other things...the heatwave was the biggest culprit there.

 Here's the thing though, when THAT moment came where there was no heartbeat...I knew.  I JUST KNEW.  I knew it was the plan.  It was like a blanket of confoundment was lifted off my brain, and there I was, consoling the birth team.  Looking back, I know that was the holy ghost surrounding me with a blanket of peace and understanding.  I am very aware of the fact that Elsa was there, watching me birth her body perfectly into the world.  I did just the job that I needed to do.  All of the experiences I had up to that point prepared me for what was to come, even though I didn't know it at the time.  So life goes on...  But the hole is still there.  And I am fine with it being a permanent part of me.