kidisms
9/27/2009
| Author:
jefferies
After church today, I took Toby into the girls bathroom to do his business. (I'm trying hard to keep him from peeing in the garbage can or outside of the church in front of everyone :-).
Toby looked in every stall and asked me:
"Where is the potta pee pop?"
After a few probing questions, I figured out that he as looking for the urinal. I told him that we don't have those in the girls bathroom. And he said:
"I shoulda gone with deedle!"
And yesterday morning, Joshua walked into the kitchen and upon seeing our resident fruit flies, sighed and said:
"Another day with fruit flies."
So after consulting with many good people...especially the very helpful few who have been through loosing a baby, I came to the conclusion that I needed some scheduled projects to help ease me through this time of waiting. Thank you, you helpful people for all of your suggestions (you all know who you are).
We've got:
CANNING
I LOVE pears...sweet juicy pears
Tara and I did pears today and peaches yesterday
I can't take credit for the Himalayan Blackberry jam. Brent made that! Go Brent! He spent the whole summer picking wild blackberries, stockpiling them in the freezer, and then used some of them to make jam. Canning is such a lovely hobby. So yummy and pretty.
Next week I'm going to use the tomatoes from my garden to make and can salsa.
PIANO
I found the music on the internet for "Bella's Lullaby" from Twilight the movie. For some reason, I really wanted to listed to this song while I was in labor. It turns out that this music has become "Elsa's Lullaby." This song was written to portray a "tormented love," the kind of love that you want so badly but can't have. Practicing this song has been very satisfying and therapeutic.
READING
I've been reading lots of books about grieving and loosing a baby. I've been reading lots of blogs of other baby-lost mamas. That has been very helpful. But I've been waiting for the sequel of "Hunger Games" all year, so I decided to pick up "Catching Fire." Wow. This really distracted me. It also had me deluding reality a little...thinking that the evil capitol somehow was involved in the death of my baby. I left reality for a few days and it was fun, but it was a good thing to be finished since the intense story was bringing back anxiety and headaches that I had in the few weeks after Elsa's death.
SEWING
OK...so I've had this sewing pattern for about...14 years (that would explain the lovely '90's color palette). I decided that I'm finally going to make it. I am excited to shop for some really fun, funky fabrics that match the colors in my house. I am glad that I didn't attempt making it 14 years ago with those colors! I also need to get started on Halloween costumes for the boys...I'm thinking a Harry Potter theme this year...we'll see.
DON'T FORGET
Lots of lovely dinners and chats and time with friends and family. So fun! Thank you for being there for me. It has been so helpful.
Every Monday night in our home we have 'Family Home Evening'. This week Toby taught us what he learned in church about families and temples, and how we can all be together forever. He drew us a picture on the chalkboard of our family by the temple:
We've got mama and deedle, Toby, Joshua, Elsa and...another sister...really? I guess we'll see.
After Elsa died, our lovely neighbors gave us a cherry tree. We decided to plant it in our front yard and Toby had a lot of fun helping out and playing in the hole:
I bought this little necklace on
etsy a couple of weeks ago:
My hope is, in wearing it I will remind everyone and remind myself that Elsa is a part of my life. I want her to remain a part of my life.
Dear Elsa,
I am missing you a lot today. My heart is overflowing with love for you.
When we went to pick up our piano, we had two friends from our church come and help us: Josh and Mario (thanks guys!).
Josh got here first, and while we were sitting in the kitchen waiting for Mario to come, Josh said hi to Joshua. It went like this:
Josh: Hi Joshua! Do you know my name?
Joshua: Um...no.
Josh: My name is Josh, just like yours!
Joshua: (in complete and utter serious amazement) Are you ME, from the future?!
How Anders came to our family:
Shortly after we moved to Oregon, this starved looking stray cat started to hang out around our house. We did not know if she belonged to anyone so we didn't feed her, but she was always on our front porch or in our backyard. This cat acted wild and was scared of people, but she would hesitantly approach us and would let us pet her. After a couple of months, we saw that she was noticably pregnant. We felt badly for her, so we asked around the neighborhood to make sure that she didn't belong to anyone...and when we found that she didn't we started putting food and water out for her. We put a bed out on the side of our house where she could be alone and sheltered to have her kittens. Joshua wanted to name her Washington, after George Washington...but seeing as she was a female, we decided to name her Martha. Martha Washington.
She had her kittens on August 17, 2007...6 little cuties that we named Albert (after Albert Einstein), Anders, Evan, Autumn and Edie. When the kittens were old enough we adopted them out to good homes and we captured Martha and took her in to get spayed. It took me 4 hours to capture Martha! It was a labor of love. Anders was the last kitty that did not get adopted out, so we ended up keeping him. And I think that he was the best kitty out of the litter. He was so friendly and playful with the kids. Even before we had him neutered he was not aggressive.
Martha finally agreed to live in our garage, but she has always been too scared to come inside our house. So Martha and Anders have lived happily in our garage for the past two years. Anders loved to wander around the yard and keep us company while we were gardening. I couldn't even bend over to pull weeds without him getting in the way. :-) In that situation the boys would gladly help me out by petting him while I worked.
Now Martha is once again alone. This is harder for me than it would normally be because it is so close to Elsa's death. This is a much smaller loss, but we will all miss him.
Anders Washington Jefferies
born 8/17/2007
died 9/19/2009
Our "big fat squirrel" Anders,
You will be missed by all of us. You were the most friendly talkative kitty we've ever had. The little boys adored you. We hope that you are with Elsa keeping her company now.
Love, from all of us
...ok now. Seriously. NO MORE!
Piano!!
...to play while I wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait. Hopefully I will gain some skillz. I hope we all will.
Elsa was being born at this exact time 1 month ago. Happy birthday my precious, precious angel. I felt a need to say that even though I have posted a song and a picture depicting Elsa as a baby/child in heaven with Jesus...I know that her spirit is ageless and has reached maturity, as far as spirits go. She is NOT a baby in heaven.
This last month has seemed like the Twilight Zone...wondering if this is really happening. Going through cycles of sadness, hope, sadness, hope, and even joy. Waiting, waiting , waiting for my two friends to have their babies. It really seems like it's been a year...but yet there they were, still pregnant.
I feel bad about my post from yesterday, but it did feel good to get it out. And my friends understand. We try our best to be honest with each other. That's what makes our friendship so true.
But I do want to say, that I have great peace in this whole experience. All of my "whys" have been answered through prayer, and I have felt such a deeper joy and appreciation than I have ever felt my whole life. As in contrast , this is the deepest loss I have ever felt.
The promises I have received are carrying me through the loss and the hurt:
1) The short term- another baby will come, and will be alive. From everything that I have read about others experiences...this is the one thing that can ease the pain the most. This is the great distraction that will pass the time until we get our angel babies back.
2) The longterm- Elsa will once again be mine. Joseph Smith (the first prophet of our church) said that we will have our little ones again soon. That line has gone through my head over and over during the past month. At first it just made me frustrated, because I want 'soon' to mean tomorrow or next week or even next year. Heck, if I even knew WHEN when is, then at least I could make a plan. But having to wait until the end of my life or the Millenium (whichever comes first), does not seem 'soon'. Then after a time, my perspective has changed. TIME is so subjective. Elsa's pregnancy for example, seemed to drag on forever while I was pregnant. But then when it was over and she was gone, it seemed that it went by fast. Too fast. In fact, I would give anything just to be pregnant with her again, to be able to spend more time with her. I will never take for granted what I have again, or wish it away. I will feel greater joy because of this. Now I realize that by the time I see Elsa again, life, it will seem, will have passed quickly. And what a great joy our family has to look forward to! Such a sweet reunion it will be!
I just wanted to thank everyone for putting up with my blog. I know it's heavy. But it is my life. And this is my outlet. It feels great to be so honest and open. I have been advised to grieve however it feels best. And I am doing that. It feels good to be heard.
One more thing:
I wanted to share a really sweet article from the Oregonian [newspaper] about a couple who lost a baby in a very similar situation to mine (except their baby was born in the hospital and died within moments of being born and could not be resuscitated). This article has brought me comfort. It goes through what it is like to grieve the loss of a new baby. I can really relate to their experience, at least in as far as we have come. Please read it if you have a moment:
When a Baby Dies: Missing Max
This post really SHOULD have been titled "I want my newborn," but as I the boys and I were eating dinner together Joshua said something really sweet. We were talking about how we are a forever family and we will get Elsa back some day. I told the boys that we all have to try our best to be good and get to heaven so that we can be together with Elsa because we know that's where she is. And Joshua said "heaven or bust!" He also said to me very seriously, upon seeing me crying "we are all crying inside".
Tara and Katie....
Please don't read this for at least a week
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Anyway, tomorrow Elsa would be 1 month old. Yesterday and today my two best girlfriends here had their baby boys (we were all pregnant together, remember?). I am so happy for them. But I couldn't help crying when I saw pictures of their newborns. I just couldn't! I WANT MY NEWBORN! I just find it ironic that I spent half of my pregnancy pretenting not to be so excited that I was having a girl so I wouldn't make my friends feel bad that they were having their 4th and and 5th boys...and now they are going to have to worry about making me feel bad that they have their newborns and I don't.
I just want the world to know:
I WAS SO EXCITED TO HAVE MY GIRL!!!!!!!!! I wanted her SO much.
This will be ok. I will go and visit them. They will understand if I shed a tear or two...being the kind of friends they are. I will hold their babies and feel the soft warmth of a newborn in my arms. This will get easier with time. That is what my visiting teacher told me today. She lost her little boy 12 years ago, and while she was telling me about it today she was tearing up...still after 12 years.
When I get to hold Elsa again, it will be the sweetest HEAVEN.
That day can't get here soon enough!
So yesterday the temperatures were back to 90 degrees. Yay! I was hoping that we'd get a little more summer so we could go BOOGIE BOARDING now that I'm no longer packing around a ginormous belly. The family and I packed up and headed to Oswald West State Park for the supreme beach.
ok, so these are pictures we took on visits to Oswald LAST summer:
And I must say that I rocked the not-quite 4 week postpartum body swimsuit! Alas, we did not bring our camera so there will be no proof of that. (dangit!) (sigh of relief)
I entered the waves with a great flood of emotions. The last time we came to Oswald was toward the end of July during the great heat wave of 2009. You do remember
this tormented pregnant woman blog entry, right? We sought refuge from the heat one of those days by driving to Oswald and I played in the frigid waves, with much pregnant woman relief and delight.
(no photos there either, shucks!) I remembered poking Elsa and happily feeling her move. I remember talking to her about this place and the waves and the smell of the ocean and her brothers playing in the shallows. These memories flooded back to me as I felt the light and airy presence of Elsa.
Boogie boarding just happens to be one of my most favoritist outdoor past times. I don't care how cold the water is! And on this particular day, the tide was way in and the waves were large and powerful...that makes for some fun rides.
After I took my first couple of rides, I was out waiting for the perfect wave when a VERY LARGE wave was approaching me quickly, holding me fast in its undertow. I felt slight panic, as this wave seemed 3 times my height! For a moment, I thought this wave would engulf me and carry me out to sea. In the next moment I thought "better jump on the boogie board and see if I'll survive the ride." So I jumped on and this large wave took me up and propelled me very quickly up the beach, depositing me above the high tide mark. I was laughing with relief. Talk about the ride of your life!
(That's what we call a sneaker wave, an Oregonian one).
On the drive home, I thought about how that wave is like my trial; my grief. I have two choices in the matter:
1) I can allow this wave to wash over me, engulf me and drag me out to the ocean's depths
or
2) I can jump on and ride this wave, allowing it to propel me to where I need to be
RESPECT the wave
The Great Wave off Kanagawa is a famous woodblock printing by the Japanese artist Hokusai
Yay me!
9/13/2009
| Author:
jefferies
I thought a little update was in order. These pictures were taken this past week, when I was 3.5 weeks postpartum. I am happy to say that I am coming along nicely. Because I was blessed with such a smooth delivery of Elsa, I have healed quickly. I am 4 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight and fitting into my pre-pregnancy size (albeit still a bit snug). I am also up to running two miles, several times a week. This is a very nice thing...although in a way it's also sad because physically I feel a little like Elsa never happened.
In all fairness, I have to admit that I purchased one of these lovely items:
Yeah, the Belly Bandit is my new best friend. It is a postpartum belly wrap that pulls the excess skin in so it shrinks faster. And I must say, it really works! I justified this purchase since I do not have the baby to accompany and explain the postpartum belly pooch. I thought that was fair. I am sure I will use this product again after any subsequent births I may be blessed with. Speaking of subsequent pregnancies, hopefully my good health and quicky recovery will aid in that happening sooner better than later.
I just wanted to let you all know, I'm in a good place.
Joshua's first day of second grade:
Joshua could not wait for school to start. He was even more excited to find out that his friend Parker is in his class this year!
I suppose I am alright letting him go back...it will be easier to get grocery shopping done. Now I don't know about getting Toby in pre-school. That's going to be hard for me.
And I am still not quite ready to say goodbye to summer and get ready for holidays. I guess it's a good thing that it's going to be in the 90's this weekend. I'll get one last chance to do some boogie boarding at the beach.
Butte Creek Falls, outside of Scotts Mills
I felt Elsa with us on this hike today. While I was pregnant we did a lot of hiking. Well, we always do a lot of hiking. But toward the end of my pregnancy I could no longer jog down the trail with the boys, much to their chagrin. Well at the very beginning of our hike today it was steep downhill, and the boys started to run...as they always do. I watched them run down, following carefully behind...until I realized "hey! I can run!" It was at that moment that I felt Elsa's spirit sweep over me and I felt her saying "thanks."
Absolutely Elsa! I am privileged to be your mother.
