I'm not going to hide anything or put on rose colored glasses just because this is public. You know that, right? I'm normally a happy person...but you'd expect someone whose baby died three weeks ago to be sad, right?
Days are still hard. Very hard.
This sucks.
Everywhere I look I find more triggers that split open my heart again.
The worst is actually church. I look around and see all my friends who love and care about me. I remember all of the exchanges we had during the 9 long months in which I believed I was going to have a baby. I see their kids...babies...lots of babies this year. I remember how I thought that Elsa would be friends with their babies...and be in the same classes together.
Blogs are agonizing. So is Facebook. Yet, ironically they are also very comforting. Agonizing: seeing all of my friends updates about their babies. Their babies lived while my baby died. Why did mine die? Comforting: being able to reach out to and communicate with friends and family far and wide. They love me and care about me and are praying for me. I can feel the comfort of all the prayers.
School is starting Tuesday. I am terrified. All last year, I expected to start this school year with a new baby and now I'm not. I even bought the school supplies a month before I was due so that I wouldn't have to worry about it after the baby came. They're sitting in a closet waiting for me to label and put in Joshua's backpack. That will probably make me cry.
Every new experience is a trigger. As time goes on and less experiences are new, there are less triggers. Every trigger is important to my healing. I have to go through each trigger and release each emotion in order to heal. Emotion and crying and triggers heal. Pretending like I'm fine does NOT heal. Some days have more triggers than others.
Recall back to our trip to Alaska in this blog entry, where I wrote about the labyrinth we visited in Juneau. As I wandered the path of the labyrinth, I meditated upon my upcoming labor and birth. I thought about how, like the labyrinth, one must go through labor and birth to get through it. No shortcuts. It's the very same with grief and healing. One must walk through the labyrinth of grief...all the way in and all the way out, before the healing is complete.
Each friend who supports me by listening, praying, sharing kind words/poems/stories/music, shedding tears with me, laughing with me, giving hugs, allowing me to grieve and to feel joy...is walking a part of that path with me, bringing comfort. Even if you are one of those friends or family members with a baby...you bring comfort. And I know that the Savior is waiting nearby to walk the path with me and perhaps for me, when times are toughest.
7 comments:
I am so glad you are posting your feelings and getting them out. I just had a crying moment about Jack this week. Brielle started preschool and her teacher was telling us its time to register the 3 year olds for next year. That was supposed to be Jack's class. The trigger moments will come less as the days go on but will continue for the rest of your life. Hang in there. You're doing great. Still praying.
You are such a wise wise woman. Your maze metaphor is so true, and I admire every step you take along those paths. I so know what you mean about church - I had such a rough time going to church for a long time after Matthew - people said dumb things, all the hymns made me cry - it was rough. And a friend of mine had her baby two days after Matthew was due. It was hard to see that baby for so long, but now she's my little buddy and it's kind of comforting to be able to always have her remind me of what Matthew might have been like. Keep on walking, friend.
Ooops - that was actually me Rachel who left that comment. I hate it when I don't check to see who's signed in! Troy loves reading your blog too.
Kate, you are doing amazing! I'm really impressed with your strength right now. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it to you right now, but the fact that you are getting up everyday, and going places, and doing things to make your kids happy is huge. Just try to be extra kind to yourself and not expect too much. I really love your labyrinth analogy. I guess I must be stuck in the same place on my birth path! But I guess I just need to keep walking. And I know that the savior is walking right beside you right now, I can feel that when I'm around you.
I love that! You have wisdom beyond your years! Thank you for your insight and openness! I think that is how the Lord touches/teaches others.
Kate, you are amazing, your strength and courage and just amazing. you do seem put together on the outside, even though I know you are not on the inside. I know the lord is carrying you right now and getting you through this.
Katie...sometimes I am together on the inside too. How together I am on the inside varies throughout the day and as time goes on...from day to day. I have gone two whole days feeling pretty happy. It all depends on the amount of the comforter I feel and probably a lot on hormones! Thanks for your kind remarks.