The Wood Between the Worlds

This is me speaking, today.  Not two months ago.  I'm going to skip a bunch of stuff to just get some thoughts down on here.  Life has gotten a *bit* busier with four kids than it was with two or three...but it is especially busy because the two youngest are a baby and a busy, curious toddler.  As much as I want to keep up on the blog...for my personal record, and for the friends and family we don't get to see much...it is kind of falling by the wayside.  The first day of school is tomorrow so hopefully that means things will get less hectic, we'll be doing less stuff, I'll have less to blog about, and can catch up.

Did I mention I am a bit busier?  Ok...really I'm getting spanked!  It was *really* hard there for a while when baby wanted to nurse 24/7 and toddler was getting into everything.  Baby wouldn't let me put him down and toddler resented that and started hitting him.  Toddler is also very fond of the toilet, and that's not a good combination.  *Sigh*.  I can justify all of this insanity because I am SO, SO grateful to have healthy, breathing babies.  While it does seem to be getting better in the baby neediness department and the toddler jealousy department...there were still those days that I had to break down and cry.  UG!  As much as I love my two babies, I can't help from thinking that we probably would've been done having babies after Elsa, if she hadn't have died...and I could be avoiding all this insanity!  (Well we might have had one more...maybe).  And I wonder why it is that some of my other friends got to have their two boys and one girl and head on their merry way...and we didn't.  I know that everyone has their share of hardships, and I understand that others' hardships lie in another area...and it doesn't do any good to wish my trials were different because they aren't.  And honestly, the biggest secret I've learned through all of this is that gratitude is the only way to be happy.  And I am SO grateful.
And happy.  But I'm also sad.  It's a dichotomy that I think you can only understand if you've lost a very dear one.  And so now we decide...do we keep having kids until we get another girl (can you picture me in a 15 passenger van...yeah, me neither), so the only thing I'm left mourning for is Elsa and not the loss of having a daughter {in this life} all together?  Or do we adopt a girl?  Adoption would be a sure thing...but NOT an easy road.  Unless someone has a girl they want to give me.  Someone GIVE ME A GIRL!  Please.  {I can be polite}.  But we have some time to think about this...because like I said, I'm pretty tied up at the moment.

Have I mentioned that for a split second, I thought we might be adopting a baby a few weeks before Milo was born.  Crazy, huh?  My midwife had a client that needed a family for her baby at the last minute because she was backing out of her adoption agency.  The client didn't know the gender.  I thought it might be a girl, and it was.  But we didn't get picked, and I'm glad.  Can you imagine my life if I had twins and a toddler?  Think I'm busy now??  No, seriously...we could have handled it, but I don't know how much we would've enjoyed or even remembered.      

I didn't intend for this to be a whining post, and I'm sorry.  I know that life isn't fair, and regardless of that I know that I am abundantly, ABUNDANTLY blessed in every aspect of my life.  But I did want to say that school starts tomorrow!!  And despite the fact that I will be sad to say goodbye to two great helpers with the baby/toddler and two great house cleaners, I will NOT miss their teasing and fighting!  And despite the fact that I will miss summer and sunshine and spontaneous trips to the beach (but let's face it: it's not really spontaneous if it takes until noon to get out the door), I will be happy to have structure again.  I will be happy to finally be able to potty train my toilet loving toddler, because we'll actually be home!  It will feel so good to get into a regular exercise routine and get back in shape, so I can help kick that baby pudge out the door...and let's face it: so I can get into my skinny jeans again just to get pregnant again.  Unless someone gives me a girl in the meantime!  I'll also be excited to have time to sew and can and look at all the glorious recipes I've pinned on pinterest so I can plan my menu and grocery shopping around some fun new recipes!  And BLOG!  And start cloth diapering again because I'll actually be home to wash them.  And maybe join a midwifery study group!

So if you are one of my friends who is 1) excitedly awaiting the arrival of a baby girl 2) sending your precious 3 year old daughter off to preschool, or 3) feeling guilty over the arrival of your newest baby because you no longer mourn your angel baby as much...know that I love you, and I'm happy for you.  And wishing I was feeling the same.  But I'm also grateful that I'm not...because I am in LOVE with Oliver and Milo.  And I know that Elsa really is right here with me.
So ENJOY!