I just wanted to do a quick post to say how excited I am to be half way done with this pregnancy! Even though grieving has been tough lately, I am so excited for this baby to come!! I just wish that it was sooner... I feel like I've already been waiting forever...which I have. But I keep finding really fun fabric to make some baby blankies. All of my older ones are pretty worn and outdated. So that should keep me busy sewing for the next few months.
Now if you didn't notice a few weeks ago, we found out that we're having a boy. It has been a tough and confusing time since then because I really wanted another girl...everyone is different in their grief, and I felt that a girl would help me to heal. BUT...after a few weeks of getting used to the idea that a girl won't be part of our family yet I am now getting quite EXCITED to have another boy. I like that Elsa will always have her separate and special place in our family...as my
friend who has been through something similar has pointed out. And I am not the kind of girl who wanted a house full of girls...nope. I would much rather have a house full of boys than a house full of girls. I have always wanted boys more than girls...because I grew up in a house full of girls, and no offense to my mom and sisters because I love them all now...but girls are drama and hormones and complications. And Brent and I do boys really well! That's not to say that I don't ever want a girl...1 would be nice. But if I don't ever have another one, I know life will still be good. In fact, I am kind of starting to think that I want to have another boy pretty quick after this little boy...so they can be buddies and share a room. I LOVE that Joshua and Toby have that with each other, and I would want that for this baby too. Brent and I have never decided how many kids we want to have...so, who knows? We kind of take it one at a time. And after loosing Elsa, I am feeling like I want a whole house full! And our boys are so good and sweet...and I am healthy and strong...
Well, anyway...here's to a great 20 more weeks of gestation!
The day before we left for Utah, I emailed the people at the cemetery and asked if it would be possible to have Elsa's grave marker set for us sometime while we would be there so we could go and see it. They were able to have it set the day that we were traveling. It was really nice to head to her little spot and see the marker there.
I'm not completely satisfied with it though...
Part of me just wants to let it be and call it done, but I think that they goofed a little bit and I should ask them to fix it. The center of the marker where the words are has a polished finish and the border has a sanded finish. No big deal, right? But when we were looking at all the other markers they were the opposite. The other markers are much easier to read, with the words on the sanded finish.
We went to the backyard bird shop to find some treasures to leave with her. Toby picked out the bee windmill. I picked up the bird rain gage. I really like it, even though it's a goldfinch and not a meadowlark. I thought it would be cute for the boys to put little flowers in the rain holder every time we visit. But alas...I know that the grounds people will take these down. I understand why they have to, but still it's sad. So...we left the bee up, and we hid the little bird deep in the bush behind her grave. Sneaky, I know...but it makes me feel happy to know that little birdie is peeking through the bush at her all the time. And when we visit, we will pull it out to put flowers in...and then put it back sometime before we leave.
It's much more fun for the boys to visit now that there's a marker...and they LOVED being able to leave something special for her. (And NO, we did NOT pick out a bird and a bee on purpose :-).
Another fun thing was that I got to meet in person another angel mama that I've corresponded with over the internet for the past several months. This is
Amy, and her daughter
Lexi (whom she also lost in 2009) is buried within a stone's throw of Elsa's grave. We met up at the cemetery and then went out for lunch. Amy is also pregnant again.
(Please, oh pretty please excuse the hideous picture of me!)
All of this was good and fine.
But I am still hurting. every. day.
And I'm wondering when all of this will ever be over.
I say no more.
Post Script: (don't worry I finally signed up for counseling...)
Today is the 8th birthday of my oldest baby!
He was definitely born the size of a baby horse...
9 pounds, 14 ounces and 23 inches long (that's almost 2 feet!)
That's why he looks all squashed and swollen.
The day started early...whilst I was laboring away at the American Fork, Utah Hospital at midnight. I labored through the night with the support of dear Brent and my sweet, very capable midwife Sarah. It was a surreal dream come true to embrace my inner strength and give birth to Joshua the way I wanted...without a catheter in my spine (to each their own...but as for me, needles in the spine freak me out). The whole pregnancy, labor and keeping him safe and alive through his toddler years has been hard work, but definitely do-able. And the consequence of all the effort has been ABSOLUTELY amazing:
It's been a journey complete with all the highest highs and some low lows with Joshua. But the incredible traits this child has are really shinning through. There are many things that I love about Joshua. He is silly and loves to make people happy and laugh. He is smart and wise and he continually seeks and hungers after knowledge. He is sweet and kind and would not hurt anyone on purpose. He is penitent and forgiving; quick to recognize his wrong and fix it...and even quicker to forgive those who offend him. He is brave and strong. Against many odds, he has triumphed and continues to triumph over his sensory integration disabilities and other weaknesses, with great determination and discipline. He is one kid who considers his testimony of Christ and has decided to be His follower with all of his heart.
I am so grateful to know him and to learn so much from him. I am privileged to have the opportunity to serve and love him.
We went to Utah over spring break to attend Brent's youngest sister's wedding. Liz and Jonny have been dating for 6 years (since high school) and we are just SO thrilled that they are finally married. We are so happy for them!
Beautiful Day:
The brand new Draper Temple
Jonny, Liz with Brent's parents
The beautiful Jefferies sisters
The Jefferies sisters + sisters in law
The whole Jefferies clan minus one brother and a couple of inlaws and plus two cousins
YEP...that's my green dress!
The happy couple
I feel a great depth of gratitude that Brent and I were married in an LDS temple 10.5 years prior.
I am so thankful that because our family is sealed that we will be able to be a family forever...and I know for certain that we will have the chance to raise Elsa.
Driving to Utah:
A short waterfall hike in the Colombia River Gorge...can't remember which.
18 weeks pregnant...this is my biggest belly EVER! And nope, no twins.
But my regular jeans still fit.
(Ugh! The green on this camera is blech!)
This is when we stopped at the Malad Gorge in Idaho:
We heard Meadowlarks singing all along the trail...
and when we went to leave in the car, one was sitting on a post right next to me!
I tried to snap a picture of it, but it flew away when I turned on my camera, dangit!
I snapped this picture driving through Idaho. I had forgotten about white puffy clouds, because we just don't get them in the Portland area. We either have thick cloud cover, or completely clear skies.
sewing
3/25/2010
| Author:
jefferies
Thanks to the creative influence of my 2 friends...
I've been on a sewing rampage frenzy. I'm loving fabrics.
Sewing comes in handy when you want to customize your decor:
This selection of fabric is for my living room...
Love the bird fabric...and it incorporates the orange, green and blue in the room!
That's my next project and I'll post pictures when I'm done.
Sewing is a skill that comes in handy if you have a few rough and tumble little boys around:
I do A LOT of THIS
...and I do mean A LOT.
By the way, I know girls can be rough and tumble too (I put a lot of holes in my pants when I was a kid).
Sewing comes in handy if you would like a certain dress in a specific color:
The top of my green dress for my sister-in-law's wedding.
(The picture on the top is the more accurate color.)
The finished product.
By the way...the green on my new camera is WAY off. I'm not too happy about it. I really need to read the manual and learn the manual settings.
Sewing comes in handy if you want to customize a baby gift for someone, because any other gift for a baby girl feels awkward to me right now:
blanket for my niece who was born exactly 2 months after Elsa.
And more is on the way...
I missed posting a picture of Toby at 7 months...
Everyday I am reminded that I must have patience. Patience to wait until baby number 4 is born (after two years of being pregnant). Patience to wait for another baby girl. Patience to wait for Elsa.
I'm not sure if posting this picture is something that comforts me or not. Does it help me feel better to know that Elsa would probably have teeth and be so smiley and interactive right now? Not really. I really wish that she was 7 months old right now instead of a newborn baby frozen in time. But at the same time, I often reflect on how glad I am that she is preserved in a little time capsule as a newborn baby. I am SO grateful that I will get her back at the age in which she is now preserved...and I have much to look forward to. Patience. Patience. Patience.
Joshua
Toby
Elsa
Baby #4
Isn't he cute???
He's going to look a lot like Brent, I think...
I love all of my babies SO much, it's just indescribable. I am SO glad that the little one inside of me is ALIVE and healthy and I am VERY excited to meet him.
Dear Elsa,
Today it's been 7 months since you were born into my arms and I got to see your beautiful face and hold your dear body. And though I am always filled with awe that you are my daughter and that I got to spend 9 months with you, today I just miss you. I miss you terribly. You are my daughter. And I wish that you were alive. Oh, how I've caught myself wishing that I could go back in time to one year ago. We found out you were a girl. I got to spend those months with you kicking inside and knowing you. And then you died. And I know that you're happy and safe, but that can't stop me from wanting you back.
But now it's a year later and your little brother is safe inside my womb. And I love him SO much! But still I grieve. I grieve for you and I mourn for a living daughter. These feelings are complex! I never knew that I could feel so happy and so sad at the same time. Elsa...I am sorry. It seems that I had skipped over several aspects of my grieving process for you. I never packed up the nursery and clothes which you were going to use. I never took down the picture that I drew for Toby of our family with mama, deedle, Joshua, Toby and a sweet little girl. I never asked why. But now I have to. And my heart is breaking for you all over again, and in ways that it never did in the first place.
Elsa, I don't know if anyone else can understand what I am feeling right now. How I can suddenly miss you so much again? How I can feel that, while I still feel excitement for the coming of your brother?
Elsa, I want you to know that I have faith that this is all part of our Heavenly Father's plan for our family. I may not understand it all right now, but I believe in Him and I know he loves me. I want you to know that no matter how many times we are tested and tried as a family...we will still be here with love and gratitude, trying to be our best disciples of Christ.
And Elsa, since I don't think I will be able to be with you again for so very many years...can you see if it is possible to send just 1 living sister here to this earth? Do you think you could start trying to arrange that for our family now...so in a couple of years everyone will be ready?
I really want you to know that I think your little brother is amazing. He's already done so much good for us. For one thing, he is really helping me get through the grief that I had repressed. This will be a really good thing for me in years to come. It's best to get it all out and not repress grief. For another thing, he is helping me to know that this is all in God's hands and to not fear for his life. Oh of course, I still feel really cautious over him and I will definitely be counting his kicks every day. Also, I can see light and excitement in your brother's and deedle's eyes. They are very excited to have him! And so am I!
Dear sweet one, will you please continue to watch over us? And know that we always love you and miss you.
With love, forever,
xoxo,
mama
The Banks-Vernonia Trail is an awesome rail to trail project in Oregon (where they took an unused railroad line and turned it into a paved pedestrian path)...and it is an Oregon State Park! A 20 mile long linear State Park! How cool is that? (Very!)
Anyway...we had a sunny day on Saturday and so we went biking. NOT 20 miles...but we did a few miles through Stub Stewart State Park and back. All uphill on the way there.
It was a great opportunity to
finally take some outdoor pictures with the new photo apparatus.
Getting ready:
super cute Toby!
testing out the super zoom (20x)
a super close up of a salamander crossing the road
a quaint little farm...oh my dream!
Well, one of my dreams...and I can't seem to make up my mind which one I want to live.
a soooooooooper long bridge to cross
a super enchanted forest
a super good biker (or at least a sooper trooper)
an old RR X-ing sign...proof of another era
flying down the trail on the way back
ah...budding spring
Toby and mama self portrait:
I love this picture because it captures how Toby loves to put his hand on my face.
He's been doing that since he was a tiny tot!
a super silly pair
A SUPER fun time had by all!
Post script:
I am very grateful to have a husband who pushes us to get out and have lots of adventures. I have always loved these sorts of activities...but I unfortunately am at a time in life where I don't think I would take the initiative to do them. But I am ALWAYS so grateful for the beauty, the fun, the fresh air, and the family togetherness that come from these times. YAY Brent!
