The Wood Between the Worlds

Dear Elsa,

Today it's been 7 months since you were born into my arms and I got to see your beautiful face and hold your dear body.  And though I am always filled with awe that you are my daughter and that I got to spend 9 months with you, today I just miss you.  I miss you terribly.  You are my daughter.  And I wish that you were alive.  Oh, how I've caught myself wishing that I could go back in time to one year ago.  We found out you were a girl.  I got to spend those months with you kicking inside and knowing you.  And then you died.  And I know that you're happy and safe, but that can't stop me from wanting you back.

But now it's a year later and your little brother is safe inside my womb.  And I love him SO much!  But still I grieve.  I grieve for you and I mourn for a living daughter.  These feelings are complex!  I never knew that I could feel so happy and so sad at the same time.  Elsa...I am sorry.  It seems that I had skipped over several aspects of my grieving process for you.  I never packed up the nursery and clothes which you were going to use.  I never took down the picture that I drew for Toby of our family with mama, deedle, Joshua, Toby and a sweet little girl.  I never asked why.  But now I have to.  And my heart is breaking for you all over again, and in ways that it never did in the first place. 

Elsa, I don't know if anyone else can understand what I am feeling right now.  How I can suddenly miss you so much again?  How I can feel that, while I still feel excitement for the coming of your brother? 

Elsa, I want you to know that I have faith that this is all part of our Heavenly Father's plan for our family.  I may not understand it all right now, but I believe in Him and I know he loves me.  I want you to know that no matter how many times we are tested and tried as a family...we will still be here with love and gratitude, trying to be our best disciples of Christ.

And Elsa, since I don't think I will be able to be with you again for so very many years...can you see if it is possible to send just 1 living sister here to this earth?  Do you think you could start trying to arrange that for our family now...so in a couple of years everyone will be ready? 

I really want you to know that I think your little brother is amazing.  He's already done so much good for us.  For one thing, he is really helping me get through the grief that I had repressed.  This will be a really good thing for me in years to come.  It's best to get it all out and not repress grief.  For another thing, he is helping me to know that this is all in God's hands and to not fear for his life.  Oh of course, I still feel really cautious over him and I will definitely be counting his kicks every day.  Also, I can see light and excitement in your brother's and deedle's eyes.  They are very excited to have him!  And so am I!

Dear sweet one, will you please continue to watch over us?  And know that we always love you and miss you.

With love, forever,
xoxo,
mama