10.22.12
Monday was our first day to head out on our own, and we did ok! I think. My sister had us well versed on the amount of pushiness required to ride the subway. We had a pretty full schedule planned (we were going to take the subway to Times Square, walk to the River and get on the Water Taxi, take it to the 9/11 memorial, Brooklyn Bride, The South Street Seaport, etc...but somewhere between getting off the subway and making it to the Water Taxi, we were given a convincing sales pitch to buy tickets for the Hop-On-Hop-Off Bus Tour instead of the Water Taxi. And thus, we fell victim to the dog-eat-dog sales tactics the city is known for. But that's ok. It was fun!
Ah, the excitement of Times Square!
And the HOBBIT!! So exciting!
(we just saw that two nights ago!)
And WICKED!!
Which we were hoping to see, but alas it did not work out.
The sights on our bus tour:
On the top left, going clockwise: the Flat Iron Building, the city building, the Empire State Building, NYU, some protesters wanting to stop Obama from starting WWIII, building details, open air bus, random building and church, and Milo.
We hopped off at the World Trade Center stop and visited the St. Paul's Chapel, which is right next to the World Trade Center Site:
After walking around a little bit, trying to orient ourselves on which direction we needed to go to get to the World trade Center Site...we were lucky enough to notice a small store front where you pick up the free tickets for the 9-11 memorial, which was blocks away from the memorial. We ducked inside and waited in line for tickets, which did not take long...HOWEVER, the next available entry time for the memorial was an hour away! NOT quite enough time to see anything else before, and TOO MUCH time to stand around waiting! So we decided to walk across Lower Manhattan during that hour, through the Financial District and over the the South Street Seaport. A note of advice: you can reserve tickets over the phone or online, to save time. Wish I had thought of that before! Also- we were hoping to visit the African Burial Ground, across from The World Trade Center Site...but it is closed on Mondays. Bummer! We read several recommendations for that place.
 |
| OK, that picture on the top left is the only picture we took in the Financial District. It is a statue of George Washington, erected on the location where he was inagurated as the first president of the United States. Pretty BIG deal! The rest of the pics are at the Seaport. The middle pic on the bottom is the Titanic Memorial Lighthouse. |
A panorama of the Seaport and the Brooklyn Bridge in the background .
The World Trade Center, and 9-11 Memorial:
There are two huge fountains in the footprints of the original Twin Towers, with the victim's names engraved all around the outsides. The water is separated into individual streams before it cascades over the large drop off, where the individual streams once again become one with the water in the pond below...before it drops off into the square hole in the middle, of which onlookers cannot see the bottom. We were thinking the individual streams represented the individual lives lost in the tragedy. Once they were killed they became one with the rubble of the buildings and ashes of the other survivors. And the bottomless hole represents the finality of death.
It is a somber place.
Not only is it the location where the attacks took place, and many lives were lost...but it is essentially the final resting place and cemetery for their loved ones to visit. I know how sacred and special Elsa's final resting place is to me. This location held a great spiritual resonance.
a rainbow of hope. Yes, there is still hope, even here.
The lone tree that survived the attacks.
The One World Trade Center Tower that is being built to replace the Twin Towers.
After leaving the 9-11 Memorial, we had planned to walk across the Brooklyn Bride and get pizza at Grimaldi's (famous pizza), but instead we decided to take the Hop on Hop off Bus back uptown to visit the MOMA (Museum of Modern Art) before it closed for the day. We could always see the Brooklyn Bridge after museums are closes, after all. We had City Passes for the MOMA and wanted to make sure to use them!
Here are our pics from the ride back uptown:
Top left, going clockwise: Some tenement housing that immigrants would live in upon arriving to America, the details on a church, the Rockerfeller Center, a father back view of the church, a closeup of the statue, Brent and Kate with the Brooklyn Bridge in the background, a Gaudi building (very interesting architecture), Milo on the bus.
When I first saw this picture, I thought "what a dumb picture," but when I realized what it was I had to laugh. This is a picture of Brent (on the bus) looking at the United Nations Building. We were disappointed that none of the flags were up...thus the frowny look. I guess they only fly the flags when they're in session. Sad for us!
We got off at the Rockerfeller Center stop and ran over the the MOMA, with one hour to spare before they close for the day...and went straight up to the fifth floor, to see my absolute favorite art in creation:
Some of my favorites:
Clockwise from top left: Cezanne fruit, Cezanne trees, Van Gogh trees, Van Gogh Starry, Starry Night (the original!), two of my favorite Picasso's, Brent in front of a Mondrian, a Gaugain, a Mattise, a Monet, and to the right of the Monet is a detail of the brushstrokes in the Monet.
The Great Hall of Monet
Henri Mattise "The Dance" has been a favorite of mine since my sophomore year in college
The other floors had some cool more modern art, which I did not know much about, except for a few Matisse sketches and such, but it was fun to see!
We left the MOMA pretty hungry, having skipped lunch trying to pack everything in! We had heard the cafe at the MOMA was fantastic, and were hoping to eat there, but alas, it closes when the galleries do. We wanted to spend our precious hour there looking at the art, not eating. So we wandered around the city for a little bit, looking for a place to eat!
We passed "Jonny Utah's" which we thought was funny since Brent has a brother named Jonny who lives in Utah! We passed the Radio City Music Hall and the Library with the lion statues. And finally, just off 5th avenue, we stumbled upon a street sign that said "Little Brazil!" Yay!! How fun! Brent served his mission for our church in Brazil, so we walked down the street and found a restaurant. Brent said it was very authentic to the area he served his mission, in Bahia. We ordered a Fejuada (beans and meat), and a delicious fish stew (my favorite).
OUR FINAL STOP FOR THE EVENING:
We had city passes for the Empire State Building as well, and it is open LATE! So no problem fitting it in our schedule.
When we stepped out on the observation deck, it was really windy. Milo really hated that, so we didn't get to spend much time up there, but quickly took pictures from every side.
Then we rode the subway back up to my sister's place. Milo did really great all day! In exception to the Empire State Building observation deck.
I am thankful for:
Apples, avocado, autumn, animals, America, Annika, art
Brent, babies, bread, beach, butter, blankets, bikes, body, birds, bed
Cats, cars, cellos, carrots, chickens, Christ
Dishes, dancing
Elsa, Easter, evergreens, empathy, elephants
Frogs, friends, Frodo, forever, family, forest, flowers, foxes, fabric, faith, food
Green, galoshes, grandparents, giving, guitar
Home, heaven, hope, holidays, Heather, horses, happy
Irises
Joshua, jumping, joy, Jesus
Kate, kisses, kids
Lemons, life, Lara, lakes
Milo, monkeys, mushrooms, moon, meadows, mom, millennium, mountains, music, mentors
Nostalgia, nectarines, Nutella
Oliver, owls, ocean, outside
Popcorn, pillows, piano, paths, people
Quail, quiche
Rest, resurrection, rivers, running
Sky, summer, spring, Savior, squirrels, sun, skiing, sad, sleep
Toby, Tara, turtles, time, temples, trees
Umbrellas
Vegetables
Water, whales, walnuts, winter, weather
Xylophones
Yellow, yarn
Zippers
Happy Thanksgiving!
*I started this blog post weeks ago, but never had time to finish it...and wasn't really sure I was going to until today. I had been having the desire to lighten up the blog a little, as it's been heavy with my thoughts lately, and I was worried that my friends and family have not been enjoying that. But today as I was trying so hard to get the computer to upload my pictures from day 2 of our New York trip...they just wouldn't upload...they still have not (something is seriously wrong with our internet). So I took that as my nudge to finish this post instead. I know it is what I needed to write today.
NEWSFLASH: I have changed positions since I wrote this blog entry, two years ago: {i need a girl}.
Immediately after we lost Elsa, I
knew we were going to have another girl. I pictured in my mind exactly how beautiful our story would be in the end...mother looses daughter, mother grieves honorably, mother puts all her trust in God, and finally mother gives birth to another healthy, living daughter. Perfect. Everyone in the land rejoices. And they live happily ever after.
Perfect, in my eyes...but as we soon come to learn, that is NOT how the Lord's timetable for our lives will proceed. And I knew it even before Elsa was gone, that we were having another boy. I prayed, I pleaded, and I bargained for another girl first. I promised we WOULD have another baby boy if He wanted us to, if He would send another girl first. I THOUGHT it was what I NEEDED to help me heal.
Before we were pregnant with Oliver, I had this perfect, peaceful feeling that God was sending us a boy and that he was going to be wonderful. We were going to love him so much, and he would be everything that we needed. As the pregnancy commenced and proceeded, I pushed away those feelings and convince myself that of course God would send us another girl.
It took a while after we had Oliver to be happy with him. I'll be honest there, but once I did wonderful love entered into my life. And then I thought "if I start praying now, surely my next baby will be a girl." So I would pray and ask for a girl every morning and every night. And then I would ask if He was going to send me a girl. I always get the answer "yes". But then I would ask if my
next baby would be a girl {because heavens knows I am impatient and have already waited through two pregnancies for a girl when I
thought I was already getting one...I can't wait anymore!}. But my answer always felt like boy next, boy next. I had a hard time accepting that and would push that feeling away and only dwell on the good feeling I got when I prayed about a girl. {Enter Milo, whom we adore. It only took one instant for me to be happy with him-it was the instant I caught him in the birth tub.}
Truly I have wearied the Lord with all of my prayers on this subject. I had heard of other women praying for the gender they wanted, and then getting it...and I thought if it worked for them, it should work for me. But the thing I didn't get was that the Lord knows each of us, sees the big picture and knows exactly what we need. But everywhere I look, the spirit is teaching me to "ask, and ye shall receive." And I believe that with all of my heart. So I continue to pray. I had this experience a couple of months ago where I was asking the Lord if I was going to have a girl, or if we could expect to have all boys...when suddenly I received a different answer than before. The spirit told me that we would have all boys until we get Elsa back. I fought that answer in my heart. NO! How could that be! But then something changed within me: after only a few moments, I
accepted that answer. Ok. We will have another baby and it will be another boy...if that's what we need to do, that's what we'll do. And we
will be happy. For quite a few years I have felt a fraction of what Mary, the mother of Jesus must have felt: I have willingly become a vessel for the children God wants me to have, no matter the cost to my heart. "Be it unto me, according to thy will."
As soon as I accepted that answer, almost immediately I felt a burning in my chest that we
would have another girl, and that previous answer was just a test to see if I could let go of my will and trust the Lord. Wow! So now I feel like I'm setting myself up for a win-win situation on my next baby because if I get a girl, great! But if I get another boy, I know with all of my being that it will be the Lord's will and we WILL love it. Before I went to Oliver's ultrasound, I remember telling someone the line from Elder Wirthin's talk a few years back "come what may, and love it." I said it, but I had no idea that I didn't really mean it. But
now I mean it. I really do.
Just about a few weeks after this experience we watched general conference. There were several amazing talks that caught my attention, which I already wrote about...but one talk I didn't write about was President Henry B. Eyring's "
Where is the Pavilion". This talk was like a follow up message from the Lord to me, about the above experience...reinforcing that yes, I had created a pavilion between the Lord and I by fighting His answers previously. But by accepting them, I was removing the pavilion giving me direct access to God. President Eyring's daughter in law removed the pavilion by finally giving up her desire to have another baby, and leaving it in the Lord's hands. I removed the pavilion by accepting,
truly accepting the baby that God needs us to have.
Then, if that weren't enough, last Sunday a friend on Facebook posted a link to a blog by CJane (which I have never read before) about her
experience with infertility. It was amazing how it corresponded with the experience that I have had. Even though I have never had fertility issues, I could relate to exactly what she was saying. It's like I've had girl fertility and girl loss problems. I don't mean to mock anyone who has gone through fertility problems, because I only gained a glimpse of what that must be like when Elsa died and I had to wait another frustrating year without a baby. But when CJane shared that although she experienced 5 years of infertility, she always knew she would conceive a baby, AND
before she conceived she was finally able to be happy and to accept her life. Wow. I GET that.
Ok, one more thought...I'm sorry if this post is perfectly boring. It is helping me so much to get all my thoughts out. Today I stayed home from church with two sick babies. I wanted to review last month's conference talks during church time, but my toddler just wouldn't have that! He was grouching at me for doing anything that didn't include paying attention to him. So we decided to pick out a living scriptures dvd to watch together instead...cuddled on the couch. That was acceptable to him. First we watched The Lord's Prayer, and the spirit cemented my earlier thought in this post about prayer...that you can never pray too much for something you are asking the Lord for. I won't give up until I die. But the second movie we watched was I think The Signs of the Times, and it was about the last days of the Savior before His sacrifice.
I saw that story in a new way today:
The Jewish people were in bondage to the overbearing Roman Empire. They were hoping for a miracle, a Messiah to deliver them. Even the apostles just a few days before the crucifixion were wondering when He was going to pronounce himself King, and deliver them from the Romans. And
truly that was what they needed!
Truly that was not a wrong thing for them to desire. They believed that He was the Son of God, and the Messiah, and that He could perform miracles. Then the next thing they knew, He allowed Himself to be taken and crucified. It must have felt like a punch in the gut to them. But they could not see the
whole picture. They could not see that IF He threw down the Romans and was not crucified, all mankind would be lost forever. They could not see what a HUGE frustration to the plan of salvation it would have been, if He had given them the temporal deliverance from their earthly bondage.
Likewise, I know that when my prayers were not answered like I thought they were going to be, and when I did not receive the
good things that I so greatly desired and prayed so hard for...I know there is a bigger picture. I MUCH bigger picture, that I cannot fully see. I know that God has a great purpose for me, that I cannot always see. But like the original Apostles, I still believe in Him. I still know He loves me. And little by little that bigger picture is being revealed. But it probably will remain somewhat of a mystery to me until after I die. And that's ok.
The question may come to anyone who reads this (as it has come to my mind, and also to my husband's) of why I want a daughter so badly. Why do I put myself through this? Why do I go to all the trouble to pray and think all of this through? Why go to all of the trouble to write this all out? And the answer is simple: I have ALWAYS felt I was going to have a daughter. Always. Sometimes I ask myself the question: was Elsa
that daughter I always felt? But the spirit tells me, there is another. "Faith in the Lord includes faith in His timing." -Elder Neil A. Maxwell
Yet, I know we will have one AMAZING life if we have all boys. Because if we do, I know the Lord's plan is SO MUCH bigger than mine. So although I would
greatly like another girl, I do NOT need another girl.
I really should be in bed right now...but I feel like I need to get my thoughts and feelings down before I forget.
As to why I am starting this so late...my toddler has decided that it is about time he starts having an attitude and some independence. And it took me THREE hours to get him to bed tonight. I eventually had to give in and lay down with him so he would fall asleep. It took him so long that I fell asleep too. So technically I already have a couple of hours of sleep behind me for tonight. Let's hope this phase doesn't last long. He's been a great sleeper for the past year, and I'm hoping that tonight's debacle was due to him napping until 7:30 pm. Yeah...it was kind of one of those moments that we were blissfully unaware of how late it was getting. WON'T let it happen again!
Anyway...wow! It seems like I *just* posted about spring conference not too long ago, and here we are again! Except this time I am not pregnant and I have a three month old baby. Woah! But it seems like
General Conference is getting more and more applicable to my life each and every session. Or maybe I'm growing more aware of the spiritual prompting that Heavenly Father is sending me. Either way, more and more of the talks seem to apply just to me...and that is an amazing feeling. To think that I'm important enough to Heavenly Father that He would have his leaders and apostles speak about something I need to hear (I'm sure lots of other people needed to hear them too, but still!).
Here are just a few of the talks that I can recall off the top of my head:
President Thomas S. Monson's talk where the age of missionary service is lowered to 18 for men and 19 for women:
WOW! My first thought is that my son could be leaving on a mission in 7 and a half years, if he chooses to...no pressure to leave that soon!
My second thought is that I would've gone on a mission if the age was 19 instead of 21. I can't imagine how different my life would've been. I love the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, and I always have. I REALLY wanted to serve a mission. But alas, I met my husband when we were 17, he left on a mission when we were 19, and he came home when we were 21. I decided to marry him instead of leaving him for another year and a half. That was a great decision, and I have no regrets, because during that time I was able to graduate from college AND spend my summers serving the Young Women of our church at
Brighton LDS Camp. I did what the Lord wanted me to do with that time.
And last of all, WOW! I got complete goosebumps when I saw the newsfeed on my facebook account of all the Young Women who are 18 and 19, how excited they are about this new change, and how many of them are planning to go on a mission earlier, and what that means for our world. How is our world going to be changing in the next few years with this many more missionaries out there? How many more people will have the opportunity to learn of our Savior's love, and personal revelation through the holy ghost, and the saving ordinances that we participate in...including the one that allows families to be sealed together during this life, so that we can always be a family after we die? How much sooner is this going to get the earth ready for the return of our Savior? How much sooner is this going to make the great resurrection and the time that I get to hold Elsa again? All of these things will be wonderful, and I
hope know that these new missionaries will make a great difference in our world.
Elder Bowen's talk about his little boy that died too soon:
Ah! How sad it is that our children can die before their parents! This talk was such a comfort though, to know that other people...even General Authorities are going through the same challenges as I am, and some of us are. And that it is ok to know that we will never be the same until we are reunited as a family again. And to know that God is aware of me (and all of us baby-loss parents) to send us that message.
President Eyring's talk about submitting to the Lord's will and making ourselves more available to His will. Actually there were many, many talks about being disciples of Jesus and making ourselves totally available to His will. Elder Holland, Elder Hales, Elder Osguthorpe, Elder Bednar and President Monson's concluding remarks.
There were also a few talks specifically about how the Lord is aware of each of His children individually. I will have to go through and listen to all the talks again to sort them out, but the main one that sticks out to me is actually from the Relief Society broadcast from last weekend.
The Second Counselor Linda S. Reeves gave a talk which I felt was very similar to President Eyring's talk on Saturday. It seemed to speak to me specifically in certain ways that are just a little too private for me to share just yet...maybe someday. But it helped me greatly feel that the Lord is aware of me. But to add on my personal witness that the Lord is aware of me, I am going to share a very personal story from the day that Elsa was born. I wondered if I would ever feel the prompting to share this story publicly but after this General Conference, I feel like I must add my very sacred story of the knowledge I have that the Lord is real, and that He loves me very much. And THIS my friends (if you're still reading this far then truly you are my friend) is THE STORY that got me through (and still gets me through) the tragedy of Elsa's death.
This story starts on a Sunday. It is Stake Conference, and I am 38.5 weeks pregnant. I am having contractions in the morning. I wonder if I should go. Since it does not seem like active labor yet, I decide to go to stake conference and sit through the two hour meeting while I'm having contractions. I don't remember any of the talks from this meeting. I don't remember who spoke or what they said. But what I do remember, just like it was yesterday, was our Stake President getting up in front of the pulpit before the opening song (Hymn #52, The Day Dawn Is Breaking) and saying "The Lord wants us to sing this song today. I don't know why, but He does." I have never seen or heard of that happening before: someone getting up and saying specifically that the Lord chose a hymn, so it really touched me and I felt that *I* had better pay close attention to the words of the song. The hymn is all about the Second Coming, the Morning of the First Resurrection, the Millennium, happy reunion with our loved ones lost. So I think to myself, WOW! I wonder why the Lord wants us to sing this hymn? Is the Millennium coming soon? Cool! And I sit through the rest of the meeting, not really listening to the speakers because I am focusing on contractions that are getting stronger and closer together. And I am trying to keep my little boys (4 years old and 7 years old) from touching me or climbing on me. Yow! And I'm feeling kind of excited and hopeful that labor is starting and that my baby girl might be born today! And I'm sitting there with no conscious idea of what has already happened to my baby girl.
So what happens next, I've already shared. I've already shared
Elsa's birth story. You can go back and read it if you like. It's the most popular post on my blog. It might have gotten my midwives entangled in a stupid, unfounded little political mess.
Right after Elsa is born is when this story ties back in. I realized *why exactly* the Lord wanted us to sing "The Day Dawn Is Breaking" at Stake Conference, and why it was so important that our Stake President did something completely out of the ordinary by getting up and telling us so. That was for me. Out of everyone in the stake, it was for me. AND, the Lord did that for me. He did that to let me know that He was aware of my immense trial that would lie before me. He did that to reassure me that it was part of His plan. He did that to let me know what a special time the Morning of the First Resurrection was going to be for me. He did that to reassure me that I would get Elsa back, irregardless of the fact that she was stillborn and didn't take her first breath. He did that for me. And I know it! Whenever I think about it, it brings me great comfort. I can feel His arms wrapped around me, and know that He is aware of me.
My friends, I know that the Savior lives, and that He is aware of each of us.
sorry
9/10/2012
| Author:
jefferies
I just wanted to get on here quick and say sorry for my post last night. Several nights of little sleep have caught up with me and it's been a little tough. But that's no excuse. I love my life, and I'm grateful. I'm excited to exercise for myself...so I can feel good and happy. Whether or not I get pregnant again. And as far as that subject goes, I promise I will be happy whatever happens. I told myself when I was pregnant with Milo that whether girl or boy, I would be happy. Even if I have 10 boys and no more girls, I refuse to grow old, sad and bitter. I really hope we get another girl. I have all the faith and hope in the world that God could give us that blessing if it is His will. And we will pray about it, and follow His will. That's been my big lesson through all this...just learning to trust His plan for me. It's SO HARD to do. I like control. But I am slowly learning to let go... And as for comparing myself to others...it is poison! It only brings misery. That is another big lesson..one in which, admittedly I've been struggling with my whole life. I need to be happy as me, because that's what I have. I have so many friends having girls right now. Several of them are having their first girl after many boys. A couple of them are having a girl after loosing a girl and then having a boy. I feel like I'm being bombarded with all these mini tests. I will not be jealous, I will NOT be jealous! It's easy to feel happy for them, but hard to not be jealous too.
If you read this, thanks.
This is me speaking, today. Not two months ago. I'm going to skip a bunch of stuff to just get some thoughts down on here. Life has gotten a *bit* busier with four kids than it was with two or three...but it is especially busy because the two youngest are a baby and a busy, curious toddler. As much as I want to keep up on the blog...for my personal record, and for the friends and family we don't get to see much...it is kind of falling by the wayside. The first day of school is tomorrow so hopefully that means things will get less hectic, we'll be doing less stuff, I'll have less to blog about, and can catch up.
Did I mention I am a bit busier? Ok...really I'm getting spanked! It was *really* hard there for a while when baby wanted to nurse 24/7 and toddler was getting into everything. Baby wouldn't let me put him down and toddler resented that and started hitting him. Toddler is also very fond of the toilet, and that's not a good combination. *Sigh*. I can justify all of this insanity because I am SO, SO grateful to have healthy, breathing babies. While it does seem to be getting better in the baby neediness department and the toddler jealousy department...there were still those days that I had to break down and cry. UG! As much as I love my two babies, I can't help from thinking that we probably would've been done having babies after Elsa, if she hadn't have died...and I could be avoiding all this insanity! (Well we might have had one more...maybe). And I wonder why it is that some of my other friends got to have their two boys and one girl and head on their merry way...and we didn't. I know that everyone has their share of hardships, and I understand that others' hardships lie in another area...and it doesn't do any good to wish my trials were different because they aren't. And honestly, the biggest secret I've learned through all of this is that gratitude is the only way to be happy. And I am SO grateful.
{how could you NOT be grateful when you get to see that little mug everyday?}
And happy. But I'm also sad. It's a dichotomy that I think you can only understand if you've lost a very dear one. And so now we decide...do we keep having kids until we get another girl (can you picture me in a 15 passenger van...yeah, me neither), so the only thing I'm left mourning for is Elsa and not the loss of having a daughter {in this life} all together? Or do we adopt a girl? Adoption would be a sure thing...but NOT an easy road. Unless someone has a girl they want to give me. Someone GIVE ME A GIRL! Please. {I can be polite}. But we have some time to think about this...because like I said, I'm pretty tied up at the moment.
Have I mentioned that for a split second, I thought we might be adopting a baby a few weeks before Milo was born. Crazy, huh? My midwife had a client that needed a family for her baby at the last minute because she was backing out of her adoption agency. The client didn't know the gender. I thought it might be a girl, and it was. But we didn't get picked, and I'm glad. Can you imagine my life if I had twins and a toddler? Think I'm busy now?? No, seriously...we could have handled it, but I don't know how much we would've enjoyed or even remembered.
I didn't intend for this to be a whining post, and I'm sorry. I know that life isn't fair, and regardless of that I know that I am abundantly, ABUNDANTLY blessed in every aspect of my life. But I did want to say that school starts tomorrow!! And despite the fact that I will be sad to say goodbye to two great helpers with the baby/toddler and two great house cleaners, I will NOT miss their teasing and fighting! And despite the fact that I will miss summer and sunshine and spontaneous trips to the beach (but let's face it: it's not really spontaneous if it takes until noon to get out the door), I will be happy to have structure again. I will be happy to finally be able to potty train my toilet loving toddler, because we'll actually be home! It will feel so good to get into a regular exercise routine and get back in shape, so I can help kick that baby pudge out the door...and let's face it: so I can get into my skinny jeans again just to get pregnant again. Unless someone gives me a girl in the meantime! I'll also be excited to have time to sew and can and look at all the glorious recipes I've pinned on pinterest so I can plan my menu and grocery shopping around some fun new recipes! And BLOG! And start cloth diapering again because I'll actually be home to wash them. And maybe join a midwifery study group!
So if you are one of my friends who is 1) excitedly awaiting the arrival of a baby girl 2) sending your precious 3 year old daughter off to preschool, or 3) feeling guilty over the arrival of your newest baby because you no longer mourn your angel baby as much...know that I love you, and I'm happy for you. And wishing I was feeling the same. But I'm also grateful that I'm not...because I am in LOVE with Oliver and Milo. And I know that Elsa really is right here with me.
So ENJOY!
I am very flattered that so many friends and family compliment our name choices, and are curious to know what our kids names mean to us. We take naming our children very seriously, and we search high and low for the perfect name.
We have often been asked how we go about finding the perfect name.
First we start with a large name book, and make a huge list of the names (and their meanings) we like. We add to that list during the pregnancy anytime we see a name we like. Pretty much anything goes on this big list. From the big list, we pick the ones that absolutely stand out to both of us and make a short list. The short list includes names we would consider as a first name or a middle name. Then we ponder. We search all references to these names: the scriptures, literature, potentially famous people, etc. The internet is HUGE. We love to type in a name we're considering and see what and who is out there...and decide if we want our child possibly associated with that person or meaning. We check out our favorite name websites, which primarily are babynamesworld.com, and babynamewizard.com.
Baby name wizard tells me that the popularity of the name Milo peaked in 2010 at 163 per 100,000,000 babies. That's good. That says it is not a made up name, but it is also not insanely popular...and there won't be 5 other kids in his kindergarten class with the same name. It also gives me a list of potential sibling names for Milo. We've got: Ari, August, Banjo, Ella, Enzo, Esme, Felix, Henry, Jack, Jasper, Leo, Liam, Lucy, Mason, Max, Meredith, Molly, Noah, Oliver, Oscar, Riley, Sophie, Violet and Zel. These are real Milos' siblings names. Cool, huh? Most of those names I really like (Banjo?? Really??). My other favorite thing about this site is that it tells me the popularity of the name in other countries, because I dig foreign names. Milo is #87 in Sweden, #222 in Scotland, #323 in Canada (British Columbia) and #449 in the United States. All cool.
I also really like alliteration in names...not necessarily the same first letters (as in Joshua J...), but I try to match a letter sound in the first or middle name to the last name. I really like the S sound with our last name, which ends in an S...so I was kind of rooting for the name Simon. Toby really liked Simon too. After Milo was born (we usually wait til baby is born to pick a name from our short list), we had pretty much all agreed on Simon (not that Toby gets a say in the matter, I just didn't want to pick a name he hates). But every time I went to say his name, Milo came out. He just seemed like a Milo...I couldn't help it. So Brent and I decided to name him Milo, but we kept Simon as a middle name. However, we had already decided on Absalom as his middle name...so oops! I guess Milo gets two middle names, since his parents have a pretty hard time making decisions.
Milo Simon Absalom
more pictures from Milo's newborn session to follow
Milo:
Every time I read the meaning of the name Milo on babynamesworld.com, it struck a deep spiritual chord with me. So much so, that I (we) almost chose the name more for the meaning than I (we) did for the name...though we also really like the name.
"Milo might come from the German 'mild' (mild, peaceful, calm), which is derived from the Old German root 'milan' (to mill, beat, crush, or rub until fine or tender). Alternatively, it might be from the Old Slavonic root 'milu' (merciful), the Old Slavic 'mil' (grace, favor)."
If you read this post, about my personal spiritual journey over the past three years...you'll hopefully understand that I (we) feel like God put me through a mill. I feel like I've been beat, crushed, and rubbed until fine and tender. And the result of that process is that I am mild, peaceful and calm. And I think it is very merciful for God to send us not one, but two beautiful babies so soon after we lost Elsa. AND, I think it is really merciful of Milo to choose to come to a mama who is still at times raw from the loss of her daughter. So as you can see, Milo really is the perfect name for our boy.
Milo is also the Greek word for apple, which we really love...since we have a love for all things nature, and prefer (if it works) to incorporate some kind of nature into the name.
Simon:
Simon means "listening," which who doesn't want a child who is listening. It is far better to listen than it is to talk. It is also a great biblical name, which we love.
Absalom:
Absalom means "father of peace." From the first time I put that name on our list, along with the meaning, I loved it. I tried to convince Brent that we should name Oliver Absalom, but he vetoed it. He is not anyone's father yet...but you need not be a father of a person to be a father, or a creator of peace. Between the time that we had Oliver and Milo, we lived for one glorious year in a wonderful historic pioneer neighborhood. This neighborhood was close to the river and the forest, and was very loved by us. It was originally platted by a settler named Absalom Hedges. Every day as we would walk through the neighborhood we would pass the street that bore his name. Now since we know next to nothing about this person, we did not pick this name after him. Instead we picked this name in commemoration of the neighborhood where I spent almost his entire pregnancy. It is a beautiful place.
Before I can write Milo's birth story, or even explain the meaning of his name...I feel like there is a lot more of the story which needs to be recorded. I had a lot more processing to do once again. I struggle in knowing how much of it I should make public...I do not want anyone to misinterpret my story. But because I have often felt so alone on my path, I feel like I should share some of the struggles and triumphs I've had...in hopes that maybe it will help at least one other person out there.
After loosing Elsa, part of the reassurance I felt from the Lord was that I would be able to have another daughter. I felt for sure He would give me that daughter right away, so I was surprised when my next baby was Ollie. It took me a long time to get over the fact that he wasn't a girl, which is such a conflicting emotion to have when you're about to have a miraculous new baby. Actually, it took me until Ollie was about 9 months old to stop feeling so sad that he wasn't another girl. But then a miraculous thing happened...I grew to love Oliver SO much that I knew I would never want a girl instead of him. People told me that would happen, but I didn't believe them. Life was so unfair, and I was cheated. As much as I tried not to feel that way, I did. But Ollie wiggled his cute little smile and personality into my heart, and then I realized it was ok. More than ok. Time with him has gone so quickly, and he has grown up to be a little boy before I could even blink.
The next event occurred last September, when I had a dream...several dreams actually. My first dream was so real and vivid that when I woke up, it lingered. I couldn't stop thinking about it and the sweet, peaceful feeling accompanied the dream. The dream took place at my midwives' office (the birth center). I was there for a routine prenatal exam and when I was giving a urine sample, I felt a strong urge to push...so I did. After the easiest labor ever...I caught a long, slender baby all by myself in the bathroom. When the baby came out, I was amazed...but I remembered to check to see which gender the baby was...and it was a girl! I was lifted up in sublime rapture...and that was the feeling that lingered with me throughout the rest of the day (and the feeling still continues). In the space of the next two weeks I had several more dreams about having a girl. I started to pray about it, and felt like maybe we should considered having another baby sooner than we thought we were going to. Then at October General Conference, Brent had an impression that he needed to get prepared to raise a daughter. We thought for sure we were going to have a baby girl, and shortly thereafter found out we were pregnant.
I spent the first half of my pregnancy feeling pretty sure that God was finally going to send us another daughter. Then before my ultrasound, I had a distinct impression that my children were not for me. They were not my possessions to dress up and parade around. Instead they are the children that God needs me to raise. He has a calling for me, and it is to take care of the spirits that He needs to send to me right now. And that He loves me very much, even if He does not answer my prayers how or when I want Him to. I started to have the feeling that our baby might not be a girl...and realized that I needed to prepare myself for the possibility that we might have another boy. I knew from my experience with Oliver that another boy could be and would be amazing...but I didn't want to spend the rest of my pregnancy disappointed like I did with Oliver's pregnancy, so we decided not to find out the gender.
When we went to have the ultrasound, all I had to do was look at my baby's face and I knew it was a boy. So I spent the rest of my pregnancy 90% sure that the baby was a boy. However, I still couldn't shake the profound dream that I had before I got pregnant...so I couldn't 100% convince myself it was a boy. Most of the time I was completely fine with the baby being another boy. But I had my moments of wondering why God would do this to me and how the circumstances of my life could be so unfair (especially compared to other's around me who had a baby girl who didn't die).
There was a time where I searched for someone who I could relate with...someone who would understand what I was going through. I have several friends who only have boys, who can understand the disappointment in not having a girl; and I have several friends who have lost a baby. But I do not know ANYONE who has all of one gender and the baby they lost was the opposite gender. I was feeling so alone. It just seemed like God did not do that to anyone, because it was too much! I came to the realization that whichever gender my baby was going to be, it was going to be difficult sometimes...because I lost my baby girl, and I'm going to be feeling that for the rest of my life. I was able to then realize that I have two separate issues going on...I lost a baby, AND I really want a girl. It was in a moment of inspiration that I remembered one of my roommates from collage. Her parent's story was influential. They were a young couple, living in Finland when they had their first baby...a boy. Next they had a girl (my roommate), and their 2 year old son died of cancer. This event would shape the rest of their lives. When they met the missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormon church) (my church), they normally would not have been interested in the church. But they were told that through the ordinances administered in the church, families are sealed together forever. They could have the chance to raise their precious son again...and they were converted. My roommate's father became a cancer researcher at a prominent Ivy League University in the United States. They went on to have 3 more daughters (4 including my roommate) before they finally had another son. I can imagine how they must have yearned for another son. Anyway, it is a blessing to have known this particular roommate...because for one thing, she was an amazing friend and very interesting to get to know her and her family's story...but I never could have guessed that so many years later, her families story would come to my mind and help me know that I am not the only one this has happened to.
Still there were (and still will be, I'm sure) days where I wish I could have my daughter and be done having kids. More and more of my friends are saying they are done having kids...many of them have two boys and one girl. There are days where I am so tired and can't possibly imagine adding any more kids to the mix, although I still feel that daughter is coming...but then I wake up the next morning and everything is better, and I realized that those crazy days are fewer and farther between. But on one of those particularly tumultuous day, I was searching for an answer, and on a whim decided to type my question into google. It was for sure an answer to my prayer that the google search engine came back with this article by Elder Richard G. Scott (who seems to be having lots of articles I can relate to lately). It is all about how we need to trust in the Lord through our adversities, and trust that they will be for our good. That was a turning point for me, in which I decided that I was going to be happy with whatever gender the Lord sends to us. That I can trust in Him that there is a great purpose for my willingness and ability to be pregnant and grow bodies for His spirit children (whether they use them now or later)...and there is also a great purpose in the tests and trials that I have had, will continue to have, and in which I have already seen great blessings as a result of in this life.
So it came to very little surprise to me when this baby came out, and he was a boy! But the one thing that has changed during this pregnancy is my perspective and my desire to do the Lord's will...and my attitude that I can choose to be happy with what I have been given. And for certain, my soul has been filled with complete gratitude and joy. And I know I will be ok...even if I never end up with another girl in this life (although I would still really like one!). I know I could be a really great mama to girls or boys...so I'm just going to go ahead and trust that the Lord knows how best to utilize my life. But I'm still going to allow myself to grieve for my daughter whenever I feel I need to...because grief is a result of love. And I am definitely filled with love.
3.31.12
Spring General Conference
Twice ever year we get to stay home from church on Sunday! Yippee!! It's so much fun. Oh, and we stay home all day Saturday, the day before. Why would we do such a thing? We spend 8 hours total watching the leaders of our church speak! And though I admit, I was bored out of my mind as a kid...as an adult, it is the BEST, most uplifting, energizing, direction-giving 8 hours I spend within the 6 month time frame. Especially since Elsa died, it seems there are always reports given just for me...to comfort me and answer my questions. It reassures me without a doubt that Heavenly Father is aware of me, and that the Apostles and leaders giving the talks do receive direct revelation from God...otherwise, how would they know exactly what I needed to hear?
Some fun for the kids
To liven things up for the kids a little, we build a fort, and play games, do worksheets, have snacks.
(Is it so bad of me that I think Ollie is adorable when he cries? I used to watch him for a minute when he was really little, before satisfying his needs...just because I was entranced by his cute crying face).
Now we have a happy Ollie because Toby shared his pillow pet.
utter cuteness
Here is our conference set up...
as a kid growing up in Utah, conference is broadcast on the local television station. But in Oregon, it is not. Thankfully we can watch it over the internet on our computer...because I can't understand how we would get our kids to sit still at church for 8 hours. So we pull the cozy chairs into the computer room and hang out for two days.
And I think the kids mostly enjoy it.
I LOVE that little face!
Here is our grand conference treat!
Oliver loves to wait by the oven window, just watching them bake. He remembers getting burned and has learned the word HOT. He frequently points to the oven and says HOT. He also loves to put the oven mitt on.
finished product...
kamut sweet rolls
The rolls were delicious, but the manna comes in the form of the words I got to sit and listen to all day. I could go on and on about several of the talks and why they were so important to me, but I'll take the time to share my absolute favorite (
this talk felt like it was addressed specifically to me because of how specifically it answered some questions I've had, and how it talks about our relationships with our beloved family members who have gone to the great beyond):
(Is it ok to cut and paste this? Someone please tell me if it's not!)
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
Anyone who stands at this pulpit to deliver a message feels the strength and support of members throughout the world. I’m grateful that that same support can come from a beloved companion on the other side of the veil. Thank you, Jeanene.
The Holy Ghost communicates important information that we need to guide us in our mortal journey. When it is crisp and clear and essential, it warrants the title of revelation. When it is a series of promptings we often have to guide us step by step to a worthy objective, for the purpose of this message, it is inspiration.
An example of revelation would be the direction that President Spencer W. Kimball received after his long and continued supplication to the Lord regarding providing the priesthood to all worthy men in the Church when at the time it was available to only some of them.
Another example of revelation is this guidance given to President Joseph F. Smith: “I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves.”
1
Relationships can be strengthened through the veil with people we know and love. That is done by our determined effort to continually do what is right. We can strengthen our relationship with the departed individual we love by recognizing that the separation is temporary and that covenants made in the temple are eternal. When consistently obeyed, such covenants assure the eternal realization of the promises inherent in them.
A very clear case of revelation in my life occurred when I was strongly prompted by the Spirit to ask Jeanene Watkins to be sealed to me in the temple.
One of the great lessons that each of us needs to learn is to ask. Why does the Lord want us to pray to Him and to ask? Because that is how revelation is received.
When I am faced with a very difficult matter, this is how I try to understand what to do. I fast. I pray to find and understand scriptures that will be helpful. That process is cyclical. I start reading a passage of scripture; I ponder what the verse means and pray for inspiration. I then ponder and pray to know if I have captured all the Lord wants me to do. Often more impressions come with increased understanding of doctrine. I have found that pattern to be a good way to learn from the scriptures.
There are some practical principles that enhance revelation. First, yielding to emotions such as anger or hurt or defensiveness will drive away the Holy Ghost. Those emotions must be eliminated, or our chance for receiving revelation is slight.
Another principle is to be cautious with humor. Loud, inappropriate laughter will offend the Spirit. A good sense of humor helps revelation; loud laughter does not. A sense of humor is an escape valve for the pressures of life.
Another enemy to revelation comes from exaggeration or loudness in what is stated. Careful, quiet speech will favor the receipt of revelation.
On the other hand, spiritual communication can be enhanced by good health practices. Exercise, reasonable amounts of sleep, and good eating habits increase our capacity to receive and understand revelation. We will live for our appointed life span. However, we can improve both the quality of our service and our well-being by making careful, appropriate choices.
It is important that our daily activities do not distract us from listening to the Spirit.
Revelation can also be given in a dream when there is an almost imperceptible transition from sleep to wakefulness. If you strive to capture the content immediately, you can record great detail, but otherwise it fades rapidly. Inspired communication in the night is generally accompanied by a sacred feeling for the entire experience. The Lord uses individuals for whom we have great respect to teach us truths in a dream because we trust them and will listen to their counsel. It is the Lord doing the teaching through the Holy Ghost. However, He may in a dream make it both easier to understand and more likely to touch our hearts by teaching us through someone we love and respect.
When it is for the Lord’s purposes, He can bring anything to our remembrance. That should not weaken our determination to record impressions of the Spirit. Inspiration carefully recorded shows God that His communications are sacred to us. Recording will also enhance our ability to recall revelation. Such recording of direction of the Spirit should be protected from loss or intrusion by others.
The scriptures give eloquent confirmation of how truth, consistently lived, opens the door to inspiration to know what to do and, where needed, to have personal capacities enhanced by divine power. The scriptures depict how an individual’s capacity to conquer difficulty, doubt, and seemingly insurmountable challenges is strengthened by the Lord in time of need. As you ponder such examples, there will come a quiet confirmation through the Holy Spirit that their experiences are true. You will come to know that similar help is available to you.
I have seen individuals encountering challenges who knew what to do when it was beyond their own experience because they trusted in the Lord and knew that He would guide them to solutions that were urgently required.
The Lord has declared: “And ye are to be taught from on high. Sanctify yourselves and ye shall be endowed with power, that ye may give even as I have spoken.”
2 The words
sanctify yourselves may appear puzzling. President Harold B. Lee once explained that you can replace those words with the phrase “keep my commandments.” Read that way, the counsel may seem clearer.
3
One must be ever mentally and physically clean and have purity of intent so that the Lord can inspire. One who is obedient to His commandments is trusted of the Lord. That individual has access to His inspiration to know what to do and, as needed, the divine power to do it.
For spirituality to grow stronger and more available, it must be planted in a righteous environment. Haughtiness, pride, and conceit are like stony ground that will never produce spiritual fruit.
Humility is a fertile soil where spirituality grows and produces the fruit of inspiration to know what to do. It gives access to divine power to accomplish what must be done. An individual motivated by a desire for praise or recognition will not qualify to be taught by the Spirit. An individual who is arrogant or who lets his or her emotions influence decisions will not be powerfully led by the Spirit.
When we are acting as instruments in behalf of others, we are more easily inspired than when we think only of ourselves. In the process of helping others, the Lord can piggyback directions for our own benefit.
Our Heavenly Father did not put us on earth to fail but to succeed gloriously. It may seem paradoxical, but that is why recognizing answers to prayer can sometimes be very difficult. Sometimes we unwisely try to face life by depending on our own experience and capacity. It is much wiser for us to seek through prayer and divine inspiration to know what to do. Our obedience assures that when required, we can qualify for divine power to accomplish an inspired objective.
Like many of us, Oliver Cowdery did not recognize the evidence of answers to prayers already given by the Lord. To open his and our eyes, this revelation was given through
Joseph Smith:
“Blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.
“Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth.”
4
If you feel that God has not answered your prayers, ponder these scriptures—then carefully look for evidence in your own life that He may have already answered you.
Two indicators that a feeling or prompting comes from God are that it produces peace in your heart and a quiet, warm feeling. As you follow the principles I have discussed, you will be prepared to recognize revelation at critical times in your own life.
The more closely you follow divine guidance, the greater will be your happiness here and for eternity—moreover, the more abundant your progress and capacity to serve. I do not understand fully how it is done, but that guidance in your life does not take away your agency. You can make the decisions you choose to make. But remember, the disposition to do right brings peace of mind and happiness.
Should choices be wrong, they can be rectified through repentance. When its conditions are fully met, the Atonement of
Jesus Christ, our Savior, provides a release from the demands of justice for the errors made. It is wondrously simple and so incomparably beautiful. As you continue to live righteously, you will always be prompted to know what to do. Sometimes the discovery of what action to take may require significant effort and trust on your part. Yet you will be prompted to know what to do as you meet the conditions for such divine guidance in your life, namely, obedience to the commandments of the Lord, trust in His divine plan of happiness, and the avoidance of anything that is contrary to it.
Communication with our Father in Heaven is not a trivial matter. It is a sacred privilege. It is based upon eternal, unchanging principles. We receive help from our Father in Heaven in response to our faith, obedience, and the proper use of agency.
May the Lord inspire you to understand and use the principles that lead to personal revelation and inspiration, in the name of Jesus
Christ, amen.
