The Wood Between the Worlds

I really should be in bed right now...but I feel like I need to get my thoughts and feelings down before I forget.

As to why I am starting this so late...my toddler has decided that it is about time he starts having an attitude and some independence.  And it took me THREE hours to get him to bed tonight.  I eventually had to give in and lay down with him so he would fall asleep.  It took him so long that I fell asleep too. So technically I already have a couple of hours of sleep behind me for tonight.  Let's hope this phase doesn't last long.  He's been a great sleeper for the past year, and I'm hoping that tonight's debacle was due to him napping until 7:30 pm.  Yeah...it was kind of one of those moments that we were blissfully unaware of how late it was getting.  WON'T let it happen again!

Anyway...wow!  It seems like I *just* posted about spring conference not too long ago, and here we are again!  Except this time I am not pregnant and I have a three month old baby.  Woah!  But it seems like General Conference is getting more and more applicable to my life each and every session.  Or maybe I'm growing more aware of the spiritual prompting that Heavenly Father is sending me.  Either way, more and more of the talks seem to apply just to me...and that is an amazing feeling.  To think that I'm important enough to Heavenly Father that He would have his leaders and apostles speak about something I need to hear (I'm sure lots of other people needed to hear them too, but still!).

Here are just a few of the talks that I can recall off the top of my head:
President Thomas S. Monson's talk where the age of missionary service is lowered to 18 for men and 19 for women:
WOW!  My first thought is that my son could be leaving on a mission in 7 and a half years, if he chooses to...no pressure to leave that soon!
My second thought is that I would've gone on a mission if the age was 19 instead of 21.  I can't imagine how different my life would've been.  I love the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, and I always have.  I REALLY wanted to serve a mission.  But alas, I met my husband when we were 17, he left on a mission when we were 19, and he came home when we were 21.  I decided to marry him instead of leaving him for another year and a half.  That was a great decision, and I have no regrets, because during that time I was able to graduate from college AND spend my summers serving the Young Women of our church at Brighton LDS Camp.  I did what the Lord wanted me to do with that time.  
And last of all, WOW!  I got complete goosebumps when I saw the newsfeed on my facebook account of all the Young Women who are 18 and 19, how excited they are about this new change, and how many of them are planning to go on a mission earlier, and what that means for our world.  How is our world going to be changing in the next few years with this many more missionaries out there?  How many more people will have the opportunity to learn of our Savior's love, and personal revelation through the holy ghost, and the saving ordinances that we participate in...including the one that allows families to be sealed together during this life, so that we can always be a family after we die?  How much sooner is this going to get the earth ready for the return of our Savior?  How much sooner is this going to make the great resurrection and the time that I get to hold Elsa again?  All of these things will be wonderful, and I hope know that these new missionaries will make a great difference in our world.

Elder Bowen's talk about his little boy that died too soon:
Ah!  How sad it is that our children can die before their parents!  This talk was such a comfort though, to know that other people...even General Authorities are going through the same challenges as I am, and some of us are.  And that it is ok to know that we will never be the same until we are reunited as a family again.  And to know that God is aware of me (and all of us baby-loss parents) to send us that message.

President Eyring's talk about submitting to the Lord's will and making ourselves more available to His will.  Actually there were many, many talks about being disciples of Jesus and making ourselves totally available to His will.  Elder Holland, Elder Hales, Elder Osguthorpe, Elder Bednar and President Monson's concluding remarks.

There were also a few talks specifically about how the Lord is aware of each of His children individually.  I will have to go through and listen to all the talks again to sort them out, but the main one that sticks out to me is actually from the Relief Society broadcast from last weekend.
The Second Counselor Linda S. Reeves gave a talk which I felt was very similar to President Eyring's talk on Saturday.  It seemed to speak to me specifically in certain ways that are just a little too private for me to share just yet...maybe someday.  But it helped me greatly feel that the Lord is aware of me.  But to add on my personal witness that the Lord is aware of me, I am going to share a very personal story from the day that Elsa was born.  I wondered if I would ever feel the prompting to share this story publicly but after this General Conference, I feel like I must add my very sacred story of the knowledge I have that the Lord is real, and that He loves me very much.  And THIS my friends (if you're still reading this far then truly you are my friend) is THE STORY that got me through (and still gets me through) the tragedy of Elsa's death.

This story starts on a Sunday.  It is Stake Conference, and I am 38.5 weeks pregnant.  I am having contractions in the morning.  I wonder if I should go.  Since it does not seem like active labor yet, I decide to go to stake conference and sit through the two hour meeting while I'm having contractions.  I don't remember any of the talks from this meeting.  I don't remember who spoke or what they said.  But what I do remember, just like it was yesterday, was our Stake President getting up in front of the pulpit before the opening song (Hymn #52, The Day Dawn Is Breaking) and saying "The Lord wants us to sing this song today.  I don't know why, but He does."  I have never seen or heard of that happening before: someone getting up and saying specifically that the Lord chose a hymn, so it really touched me and I felt that *I* had better pay close attention to the words of the song.  The hymn is all about the Second Coming, the Morning of the First Resurrection, the Millennium, happy reunion with our loved ones lost.  So I think to myself, WOW!  I wonder why the Lord wants us to sing this hymn?  Is the Millennium coming soon?  Cool!  And I sit through the rest of the meeting, not really listening to the speakers because I am focusing on contractions that are getting stronger and closer together.  And I am trying to keep my little boys (4 years old and 7 years old) from touching me or climbing on me.  Yow!  And I'm feeling kind of excited and hopeful that labor is starting and that my baby girl might be born today!  And I'm sitting there with no conscious idea of what has already happened to my baby girl.
So what happens next, I've already shared.  I've already shared Elsa's birth story.  You can go back and read it if you like.  It's the most popular post on my blog.  It might have gotten my midwives entangled in a stupid, unfounded little political mess.
Right after Elsa is born is when this story ties back in.  I realized *why exactly* the Lord wanted us to sing "The Day Dawn Is Breaking" at Stake Conference, and why it was so important that our Stake President did something completely out of the ordinary by getting up and telling us so.  That was for me.  Out of everyone in the stake, it was for me.  AND, the Lord did that for me.  He did that to let me know that He was aware of my immense trial that would lie before me.  He did that to reassure me that it was part of His plan.  He did that to let me know what a special time the Morning of the First Resurrection was going to be for me.  He did that to reassure me that I would get Elsa back, irregardless of the fact that she was stillborn and didn't take her first breath.  He did that for me.  And I know it!  Whenever I think about it, it brings me great comfort.  I can feel His arms wrapped around me, and know that He is aware of me.
My friends, I know that the Savior lives, and that He is aware of each of us.