The Wood Between the Worlds

Milo's birth story starts at the end of Oliver's birth story.

Because Oliver's birth was so fast and furious {I believe I used the words "like a train plowing through me"}, I developed an irrational fear of birth which lasted throughout Milo's pregnancy.  Not that birth isn't something to be feared or better yet, respected...because it is a powerful event in the continuum of a woman's life.  But I say irrational because I had already given birth without an epidural 4 times before this, and obviously knew I could do it again.  I just really didn't want to.  I also had this idea that because my last two babies came around 38 weeks, that this baby would also *most likely* come early.

I have this app on my ipod called "Contraction Timer".  It is thanks to this app that I can look back and accurately recall how many times I *thought* I might be going into labor with this baby (and these are just the contractions that hung around long enough for me to dare to start recording them).  Here is a brief timeline:
June 9- (37 weeks) we moved...MAJOR.
June 13- several hours of strong contractions in the morning, fizzed out before I got out of bed.  
June 19- (38 weeks) contractions in the middle of the night.
June 20 (the day before Toby's birthday...it turns out he did NOT want this baby to come on his birthday) - we finished cleaning our old house, and drove across town to turn in the keys.  I thought for sure that once we got past this deadline that I would go right into labor.  Before we even left I was having contractions that felt like early labor, so I packed all my stuff for the birth center just in case.  We turned in the keys, and decided to go out to dinner for Toby's birthday at the Old Spaghetti Factory.  In the car I was working with some serious contractions.  We got stuck in rush hour traffic, but were very close to one of the birth centers (not the one I was planning on birthing at...but plans could easily change).  We got to the restaurant with the hope that my labor would pick up strong after dinner, and we could just drive straight to the birth center and put the kids to bed in the next room while I gave birth.  Well by the time dinner was over, so were the contractions...
 
Did I mention that I was scared?  By this point I was definitely ready for it to happen, but I had not done any preparation for this birth.  Normally I prepare by reading some good birth stories from one of Ina May Gaskin's famous books.  But when I thought about reading birth stories, it reminded me how scared I was that it was going to be too intense again.  Finally, I started into my copy of Spiritual Midwifery, and it did not disappoint.  I remembered that I needed to find a way to relax.  My contractions only come on hard when I'm resting and nice and relaxed.  All the strenuous work I had been and was continuing to do were making me too uptight.  I had Brent give me a blessing, which was beautiful and reassuring.  I downloaded a free hypnobabies relaxation mp3.  All of these things helped.  But most of all I prayed.  I prayed that I would be brave.  I prayed that this labor would be nice and easy and not so intense (like my dream, right?).  I envisioned it.  

June 26-  (39 weeks, and Brent's last of 5 available days to be there) Contractions all afternoon and evening, til they died out.  I felt like I was trying to force labor to happen on a day that Brent was home so I wouldn't end up stuck in hard labor by myself at home.  I was not quite sure how the logistics of this birth were going to work out.  The plan was, if Brent was home and it was during the day, we would meet my midwife at the birth center.  If Brent was gone at work and my labor wasn't too hard yet, I was going to try to drive myself and the kids to the birth center and call my sister to come sit with the kids (or pick them up if it was taking longer than expected).  The only problem with that plan is that once I know for sure I'm in labor, my contractions would be hard...probably too hard to drive.  But if I couldn't drive myself, or it was night and the kids were already in bed, we were planning on having the baby at home.  I really did NOT want to have the baby at home this time.  I didn't feel like I had a good space to set up the birth tub.  Then my sister called and told me she was sick.  Dang!  There went that plan.  Then Brent told me that the hose adapter for our bathroom faucet (to fill the birth tub) was not the same size as the faucet in our new house.  Dang again!  So Brent and I had a regrouping session.  We decided that we would go to the birth center no matter what.  And since I didn't feel like we had time to call someone to come sit with our kids, we were going to take them with us...day or night.

July 1- (40 weeks, and the first time I made it to my due date since my first baby)  It was Sunday and the night before we were hanging out with our friends down on C'est Naturelle Farm talking about essential oils and tasting some of their pastured pork.  My friend Vernie came over to give me a massage.  She claimed that her record of putting pregnant women into labor was 2 for 2.  It was the most relaxed I've probably been during my whole pregnancy.  I went home that night and went to bed, only to wake up to contractions at 4 am.  I continued to have contractions until 7, when I got up to make breakfast for the family and get ready for church.  I can tell that labor is going to stick if I switch activities and the contractions keep coming.  They unfortunately did NOT.  I threw myself on my bed in frustration, wondering if this was ever going to happen...trying NOT to imagine how big my baby must be getting by now (the bigger the baby, the more painful the birth right?).  So we went to church (where I got lots of comments about still not having the baby, sigh!), came home, hang out, nothing happened...so we put the kids to bed and Brent goes to bed, but I'm having contractions again.  And every time my contractions started up at night in the past couple of weeks, I just went to sleep.  I was too tired from all the moving, cleaning and unpacking to have a baby each of those nights.  Plus I didn't want to have the baby at home.  But I finally realized that if I wanted to have this baby, it was going to have to be at night.  So I decided to stay awake and work with the contractions.

At midnight on July 2, I was lying in bed checking pinterest and facebook on my ipod.  My contractions were getting harder, but they were still 20 minutes apart.  Still, I have learned that my contractions aren't always close together.  I remember with Elsa's labor they stayed 10 minutes apart the whole time.  And that the intensity of the contractions is more telling than the time between them.  I was not scared of this part of labor.  I actually enjoy working with the contractions...getting to a state of tranquility, deep breathing and total relaxation.  I was scared of getting to the part where you have to push that baby out.  Anyway, at 12:40 I had a very intense contraction that lasted for two and a half minutes.  It left me shaking.  But I did NOT want to wake everyone up and call my midwife at this hour if this was going to stop again.  On the other hand, I did not want to have a baby at home with no midwife!  So I decided that I would wait and see if my next contraction was that hard or even harder, I would wake everyone up and we would go.  So at 1 am, I had a contraction that fell under the category of "even harder".  I woke Brent up and told him we better go.  I called my midwife, who was still awake doing payroll (ha!).  I messaged my friend Tara, who was planning to come and do pictures again...but I just didn't have the heart to call her and wake her up!  She was due with her baby #5 too, and had been having weeks of on again, off again contractions just like me...and could be going into labor any time!  We were hoping that I'd have my baby during the day again so she wouldn't have to loose any sleep...but as it was she would've lost the whole night of sleep (and she ended up having her baby the next day, so I'm glad I didn't call her).  Brent grabbed all the kids out of bed and put them in the car, while I rounded up all the rest of the stuff I wanted to bring to the birth center.

We got to the birth center at about 1:30 am.  I had 1-2 contractions in the car (which I was dreading...I can't relax as well with all the jerking and bumping...another reason why I chose home birth with my others), but these contractions weren't as hard.  The apprentice (Bernadette) got there about 5 minutes after us, and my midwife (Jennifer) got there shortly thereafter.  And surprise!  My other midwife (Jesica) arrived right after Jennifer.  I didn't think Jesica was going to make it to this birth since she had the month of June off (and I was SURE I was going to have the baby in June, haha!).

We took the kids upstairs and plopped them in the bed in the room next to the room I was planning on giving birth in.  The whole transporting of the kids was a lot smoother and easier than I thought it was going to be.  However, by this time, they were wired, excited and were NOT going back to sleep!  Especially Ollie, who is used sleeping in a crib.  Thankfully, they stayed in the dark room and were relatively quiet.

Jennifer went in to my birth room and filled up the tub...I eyed it suspiciously, still not sure if I was ready to get in and push.  After getting in the tub with my last three births, that's where things got intense!  So I wandered around the room, talking to my midwives who by now are old friends.  I tried laying down on the bed between contractions, but that was pretty uncomfortable.








  

The first thing you're going to notice is that baby #5 is indeed another boy!  Yay boys!!!  I'm very happy about this since I was wanting a little brother buddy for Oliver.  The other thing you'll notice is that he is a HUGE baby.  I guess that's what I get for marrying into the huge baby gene pool...as my husband was 12.5 pounds when he was born.  Milo is actually a very long and skinny baby...really!  He looks like a stretched out 8 pound baby.  My midwife's apprentice called him a noodle.  And it doesn't really matter the size anyway, since it was my easiest birth yet.  When we weighed him I was utterly shocked at how much he weighed!!  It thought for sure he was going to be 8-9 pounds, just judging by how easy and smooth the birth went.

I will write up the birth story later...but I will say now that it was a beautiful birth at the Andaluz Waterbirth Center in Tualatin, Oregon.  I had my same midwives there who were at Elsa's and Oliver's home births (Jennifer and Jesica), as well as one fabulous apprentice Bernadette.  I don't know why I ever chose to have a home birth over going into the birth center!  It was so lovely to have a baby there.

SO HAPPY that Milo is here!!  He is a very mellow baby.  I don't think I heard him cry at all until he was 3 or 4 days old.  He sleeps very well, and has slept for 2 - 5 hour stretches each night, leaving me a very well rested new mama!  Everyone in our family is smitten with him...though Toby wishes that we would've named him Simon instead of Milo.

Long birth post!  Read at your own discretion.

Wednesday July 28th (37 weeks):
Brent and I spent a lovely morning at the Portland LDS Temple.  I was counting how many contractions I had within 1 hour.  I counted 10.  It felt like early labor.  When I got up they persisted.  We went to pick up Toby and Joshua.  Contractions persisted.  We drove to my midwife appointment.  We went grocery shopping at Winco.  Contractions persisted at the birth center and all around the store.  I was started to feel excited.  When we got home I started to feel nervous.  I was NOT emotionally ready for the baby to come yet.  And I still had more stuff I wanted to get done before he came.  I had not made up my mind yet if I was going to have the baby at home or at the birth center.  Would it feel weird having this baby in the same place where Elsa was born?  On the other hand, would I be able to make arrangements for my kids and still get to the birth center on time?  I had decided to prepare all the necessary supplies for a home birth, but not make my decision until I was in labor.  Too much going on in my brain.  Labor stopped.

(picture by Toby)


Wednesday August 4th (38 weeks):
After a week of on and off contractions, I woke up very early in the AM with the urgent need to void my bladder.  Normally I am such a sound sleeper that the need to urinate does not wake me up until about 5 or 6 am, even at this late stage of pregnancy.  When I rolled over to get out of bed, I suddenly realized that I could NOT get up.  I was having a contraction.  A VERY hard contraction (that extra squeeze on my bladder is what woke me up).  After having gone back to sleep, hard contractions woke me up every 2 hours for the rest of the night.  In the morning, I lost my mucous plug.  I panicked!  I was still not feeling ready for this baby.  After I got up, my contractions stopped.

Thursday August 5th:
I had an appointment for a prenatal massage.  I was hoping that this would loosen me up and help me to feel more relaxed about labor.  I realized the obvious as I was driving to the appointment:  I HAD to be ready.  Now.  There is only one way for the baby to come out and the longer I waited, the bigger he would be!  I decided to completely let go of the anxiety and fear.  When I talked with the massage therapist briefly about my situation, she let me know that the baby can sense my anxiety and he won't come until he is wanted.  I do believe that there is a connection between the mother and the baby in that way.  I had my massage, which was very relaxing.  Then on my way home I decided to allow the current nameless baby to be the ONLY baby I thought about.  Sorry Elsa, but you had to go to the back of my mind.  Sorry future baby(ies)...you are NOT now.  I centered my thoughts in the present.  I formed a stronger connection with baby.  I was ready for him to come.

Friday/Saturday/Sunday:
Brent had these days off.  I was now READY!  I was wanting baby to come on one of Brent's days off.  Because of the nature of his work, it is usually complicated for him to leave in the middle of the day.  Things would be much easier if I went into labor on a day off!  Of course, now that I was ready...the contractions pretty much stopped.  Grrr...  By the time Sunday night came around, I had given up on making it happen and went back to a neutral attitude.

Monday August 9th (38 weeks, 5 days):
I spent the entire night/morning waking up to powerful contractions every two hours, as I had become accustomed to during the past week.  I was fairly certain that when I got out of bed they would disappear as they had done all those other days.  I lay reading in bed extra long that morning, which kept the contractions coming every 5 minutes or so.  I jumped out of bed about 15 minutes before Joshua's piano lesson at 10:00 am.  I decided to play it safe and cancel my noon chiropractor appointment for that day since the chiro was located 45 minutes away.  I scurried around to get everyone ready and in the car.  Sure enough the contractions died down, but they did NOT stop.  I still did not know when to believe that active labor was starting.  I didn't want to jump the gun and call Brent home from work, and call my midwives away from their appointments for the day...only to have it be a false alarm!  But I knew because of how hard the contractions had been that once active labor set in, it would be QUICK!...

So I took Joshua to piano, and set about my tasks for the day.  First up on the agenda was to drive down to the library to pick up some books on hold.  Toby and I drove down to the library only to find it closed.  Joshua's piano lesson is only 30 minutes, so I did not have time for another errand before picking him up...but it was still too early to pick him up.  So I allowed Toby some time to play on the old-school huge metal slide and swings outside of the library.  The time that had elapsed between dropping Joshua off and arriving at the closed library was about 10-15 minutes.  The contractions were definitely NOT going away, and in fact I thought they were getting stronger.  I stood at the playground watching Toby...breathing through POWERFUL contractions every 2-3 minutes.  In comparison to my other births, these contractions felt like the ones right before I hit transition (transition is defined as last part of labor before you feel the urge to push.  It is usually the most intense part of labor).  Things were getting serious fast!  I decided at this point that a home birth would be my only option...and I had better get Brent and the midwives to my house.  I called them first and then pleaded with Toby to leave the playground...

As I drove up the hill back to our neighborhood, I did not know how I was still able to drive.  It was a good thing I was the only person on the road because I could not concentrate.  I was only going 10-15 miles per hour so that my reaction time didn't need to be so quick.  We got to Joshua's piano teacher's house and waited.  Sometimes his piano teacher keeps him 10-15 minutes longer than the lesson time.  Normally I don't mind.  Right now it was (!).  He finally came out and we made it home at about the same time that Brent arrived home from work.  (Thankfully on Mondays Brent is not the only professional of his kind, so he could leave work without delay).  At some point (I don't remember exactly when) I called my friend Tara to come pick up my kids.  I set Brent straight to work inflating and filling the birth tub.  I managed to change my sheets on my bed and tidy up my room and my kitchen between contractions.  When Tara arrived she thought I was alone (!), and offered to stay until the midwives got there.  Haha!  Thankfully Brent was there.  But I was starting to feel desperate for the midwives to get there!!

Tara took my kids to another friend's house and came back to take some pictures for me.  My midwives were still not there!  And in the confusion of the morning, I had neglected to eat anything.  I was starting to feel shaky and was needing some nutritional reinforcement...but I was hitting transition and could not stomach any solids.  Tara made me some orange juice.  Between contractions I was still getting the space ready for the birth.  When a contraction hit, it became SO intense VERY quickly.  The most comfortable position I could get in quickly was standing by my bedroom window, leaning forward onto the body pillow on my dresser.
  It was a beautiful and peaceful position to be in.  Just outside my bedroom window is our wooded backyard.  At this time of the day, the sun was shining through the leaves and lighting everything up with a warm green glow.  Ah!  The Wood Between the Worlds.  During labor, I was too focused on working with my primitive brain...my conscious mind barely hanging on by a thread, to realize the significance.  I only felt peace.  After the birth I remembered the heavenly, ethereal, spiritual connection that I feel to the warm glow of light shining through leaves.  I felt that Elsa and others in the spirit world must have been there watching over us.

I got up after a contraction and remembered that I needed one last picture of me pregnant :
 
As I waited for the placenta to come, I was keenly aware of everything.  More so than I have been with any of my other babies.  I was so awake and alert and the sunlight was so bright shining through our bathroom window that I could take in every detail.  I studied his umbilical cord and noted that it was white and smooth and coiled...AND there were no hematomas.   Everyone in the room was emotional that he was good and alive!

Overall, this birth was my quickest birth...but not my easiest.  The quicker the birth, the more intense!  But at least when it is THAT intense, you realize that it will be over FAST.  The part I love is feeling back to normal so quickly after giving birth.

My two midwives and the apprentice did the newborn exam right there on my bed as I rested.
 

*If you are visiting Elsa's birth story because you recently lost a baby or know someone who has, may you find peace.  If you are visiting Elsa's birth story because you are following a link from "Oregon Midwife Info" or "Free Index of Oregon Midwifes Online" I welcome you to read Elsa's story for yourself and draw your own conclusion.  Please be kind and know that all of my content is copywrited and you must seek permission before copying.  As you will see (my story speaks for itself) neither my midwife nor I did anything wrong.  Elsa still would've died even if I was attended by the best perinatologist in the world, because her umbilical vein broke before I went into labor.  After I became aware of these anonymous posts where the link to Elsa's story is shared, great liberties are taken by the "anonymous" author, and my content is copied without my permission, I felt a little bit violated.  I considered immediately taking down this blog post.  But after some contemplation, I decided that I would leave it up as a way for the reader to make their own judgement.  But mostly I am leaving it up for the purpose of other bereaved families seeking out support.  Please feel free to read other posts like this one, for more information about the situation surrounding Elsa's birth, and read my added remarks after the story.  Thanks.  
  

Yesterday marked the two week anniversary of Elsa's beautiful birth.  I am full of many emotions...both happy and sad, but all good.  It feels good to be happy and it feels good to be sad.  I spent the evening yesterday editing and arranging photos of Elsa's time here on the earth.  My thoughts are now organized enough to share the story of Elsa...  I feel like it is important to convey this openly and honestly.  I feel that it is important for my healing process to get this out there...and maybe it will make others more aware.  But be warned that it is raw and emotional.  While there is no nudity, it may be more intense than many people are accustomed to.  Just know that you've been warned.


November 2008:
I could feel Elsa's spirit from the very beginning of my pregnancy.  I knew she was a girl.


April 1, 2009:  We had an ultrasound and found out that yes indeed she was a girl!  We were so excited.


June 20, 2009:  Elsa had some good times with us while in utero...this particular memory shared on a hike in Skagway Alaska.  She was always a kicking happy hiccuping baby.

Around 9:30 pm the birth team arrived.  They quickly brought in the birth supplies and started setting up the birth pool (I was so happy that it fit in my bathroom!).  My contractions were still 5 or more minutes apart, but they were requiring ALL of my concentration and I HAD to sit on the yoga/birth ball during them or ELSE!  We took some last belly pictures before the baby made her arrival.



Around 10:00 pm, the birth team had finished setting up and the apprentice came in to take my vitals and check the baby's heart beat.  All vitals were fine...but she could not find a fetal heart tone.  The midwife came in and tried, to no avail.  For 20 or 30 minutes they tried to find a heart tone.

  It was obvious to everyone that Elsa had been gone for a couple of days.  I held her and soaked in every detail of her while the midwives waited for the placenta to come.  Brent cut the cord and the midwives unclamped it to let the placenta bleed out...in hopes that would speed up the delivery of the placenta.  No blood came out of the cord.  The placenta was finally delivered whole another hour later.  My midwife told me that it was 'thick and juicy'...absolutely healthy.  The midwives discovered the problem in the cord...there was a hematoma which no blood could get past.  There is no explanation for the hematoma.  I had supreme health during my pregnancy.  I never had any abdominal trauma.