The Wood Between the Worlds

Since I'm on a roll tonight as far as confessionals go...I'm going to address an issue that I have been meaning to address for a very long time.  Birth.  And more specifically, the upcoming birth of this baby.

There are two parts to this.  1) I realize that how I decide to birth any of my babies isn't anyone else's business, and 2) birth is one of my very favorite and passionate topics.  So being therefore forewarned, feel free to either skip this post or read on.

The reason why I choose to write this post despite part 1 (above) is because of all the very well meaning and kind comments and questions I have received and/or heard  through the grapevine.  Because we all have good intentions, I just want to make sure that everyone has the story straight...because I realize that misconceptions happen and things are misunderstood when things are not completely clear.

So these are pretty much the types of questions that I've been hearing:
Have you decided how you're going to birth this next baby?
Are you going to do anything different?
Have you considered being induced early?
Have you ever thought about what would've happened if you had been induced early with Elsa?

I'm going to start out by saying that I am planning on giving birth to this baby pretty much the same way that I gave birth to all my other babies.  My two oldest were pretty much 'hospital home births'...in that I was at the hospital and had no interventions.  But because of the few inconvenient hospital protocols that I was required to follow, I spent the few years between Toby and Elsa dreaming of a peaceful, quiet home birth in the water.  I know that many women do not dream of birth.  And I believe that home birth is not for everyone.  And I do understand the reasoning behind wanting a more conventional birth.  But one of the most beautiful parts of my experience with Elsa was her birth.  It was absolutely my dream birth, but without the live baby that I had dreamt of.  And Elsa's death was not as a result of me being out of the hospital.  She died two days before she was born.  End of story...no speculation.  Her birth was just as easy and quick and complication-free as Toby's was (minus the whole not finding a heartbeat part).  So if everything goes as planned, this baby will either be born at home or at the birth center.  And I will have two very experienced midwives there, along with one or two apprentices.  And believe me when I say that I did a lot of praying, researching, consulting with perinatologists, and soul searching before I came to this decision.  

Am I going to do anything different?  Already, I am hyper-aware of this baby and his movements.  I count them all the time.  Before Elsa died, I never had one. single. problem. with any aspect of pregnancy or childbirth.  I never expected anything to go wrong.  The day before she died, I had a prenatal appointment and everything was just perfect.  I did not expect her to die.  Not. at. all.  It was one of the biggest shocks I have ever experienced.  It was traumatic and yet beautiful...very tragic, if it were the end.  Thankfully it is not.  But so far, we have had a more in depth ultrasound (than we had with Elsa) at 18 weeks and we looked for any potential problems in the cord (and elsewhere).  I'm happy to say that this baby looks absolutely perfect.  And I plan on having two more ultrasounds before and up to 38 weeks (Elsa died at 38.5 weeks), and thereafter if needed.  I do not think that any extra ultrasounds would have caught Elsa's umbilical hematoma, but I will feel a bit more reassured knowing that the blood is flowing freely through the cord.

I have had several people say to me "hopefully your doctor will induce you early, considering what happened with your last baby."  And while I do not look down upon any other angel mamas who choose that option for the next "rainbow" baby (because it is such a mental and emotional decision), I will not choose that option for myself.  Induction with Pitocin would greatly increase the risks of childbirth, and causes a cascade of interventions.  60% of all mamas induced with Pitocin end up having a c-section.  In our country more than 1 out of 3 mamas have c-sections (33%), when only approximately 2-4% would be required if birth took it's natural course.  A c-section is a major abdominal surgery, which greatly increases morbidity and mortality in mamas and babies.

Last of all, I never have considered the 'what ifs' surrounding Elsa's birth.  How can I?  For one thing, it doesn't do any good.  I can't go back and change anything.  And it won't make any difference to my future babies.  How would I have known that I needed to be induced early?  Believe me when I say that IF I had known, Elsa would still be here.  I most certainly would've done ANYTHING to keep her alive.  I would've been induced early.  I would've had a c-section.  If I could've known and if it would've helped...but I did not know.  And to be honest, no doctor or midwife would induce a mama before 38 weeks for no medical reason.  Remember that everything was fine.  Normal the day before she died.  It's because of all this that I know she is NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!  I know that it would've worked out if she was supposed to live.  And I've spent a good part of the last 8 months wishing that it could've worked out.  And because I know that, I know in the same way that God is in charge of this baby too.  I am not taking any unnecessary risks though.  I'm going to do everything I can to make sure this baby gets here alive.  And I believe that an out of hospital birth will get this baby here the same as a hospital birth would.


Thank you to all of my caring friends and family for your support and well-wishes.  More prayers are always appreciated.  I can literally feel the prayers and the holy ghost carrying me through these times.