Everywhere I look, I am being reminded of how miraculous birth and life are...and most of all how BIRTH WORKS, and babies live. Click on to read a sweet story:
Our Dancing Queen
2 months ago
Here I am...giving my thanks this time of year. This is a really good thing for me to do right now. It's amazing how much easier life gets when you realize how much you really have to be thankful for.
1- To all of my angel-mama friends (you all know who you are)...thanks for boosting me at times and helping me through this. It is way harder than I ever could have imagined. I am sorry that I couldn't be there for you when you lost your little ones the way you have been for me...I just didn't get it.
2- To Tara and Katie (my two friends who were pregnant with me)-thanks for listening to the particulars of my journey in a neutral and supportive way. It has been so healing. Oh...and thanks for not flaunting your babies :-) and thanks for sharing them with me. You guys have been the best friends. Thanks for inviting me over, knowing full well that I might not be very fun.
3- To my mom and sisters and all my wonderful in-laws...thanks for calling/emailing/facebooking and checking in on me. I know how much you guys care, and I love you.
4- To my living kiddos-what dear boys! Thank you for loving me through this and giving me hugs and jumping to my comfort when you see me crying. Thank you for missing Elsa too, and for talking about her and including her in your lives. Thank you for your sweet prayers. Thank you for playing hallway soccer and other endless games with me.
5- To my body-thank you for being so healthy. Thank you for being good at growing and birthing babies.
6- to Lindsay Brin and your Core Metabolizm Jumpstart workout video-thank you for kicking my butt with your engaging workout. Thank you for helping that belly go flat again and for melting off (almost all!) the rest of the pregnancy fat quickly. I needed quick results and running just wasn't doing it quickly for me anymore after 3 babies and now that I'm in my 30's.
7- To Cheryl- thanks for your fun parenting class on Sunday nights and helping me to go two whole hours each Sunday without thinking about Elsa (not that I want to forget her, but it feels healthy to laugh and be happy and focus on my boys too).
8- To my midwives- Jesica, Jennifer, Joy and also Sarah- thanks for both the past and the inevitable future full of a worried mama's questions and visits. You are as smart as whips and have great caring and sensitivity. You ladies are like kindred spirits. Love you.
9- To my sewing maching- I am finding renewed interest in you.
10- To Bella Swan- I know what the hole feels like in your chest. Mine will be filled someday too.
11- To my house and bed and all your lovely coziness.
12- To Brent and his go-to book of adventures. You're helping me enjoy life and stay un-depressed. Plus you're a really good cook, a good listener, and a ton of fun! Thanks for listening to my perspective and trying to understand. Thanks for being such a good daddio to the kids and a good friend to me. Thanks for remembering Elsa too. Together our love story will be epic!
13- To my faithful friends near and far-I treasure you.
14- To God- for always sending peace when I need it. And also for ansering my prayers. I guess I could say thanks for the journey.
15- To the feeling of anticipation- you are exciting and fun like a child on Christmas morning...and now I will have you for the rest of my life until I get to see Elsa again.
16- To sleep- oh how I LOVE you.
17- To music- you make me dance, you make me weep, you help me feel.
18- To Elsa- thanks for coming to my life. Thanks for helping me to be spiritual. Thanks for being my daughter. Thanks for staying nearby and watching over us. Thanks for your love. I will always love you.
19- To my kiddo(s) yet to come- HURRY UP! It's going to be a party! Love you!
1- To all of my angel-mama friends (you all know who you are)...thanks for boosting me at times and helping me through this. It is way harder than I ever could have imagined. I am sorry that I couldn't be there for you when you lost your little ones the way you have been for me...I just didn't get it.
2- To Tara and Katie (my two friends who were pregnant with me)-thanks for listening to the particulars of my journey in a neutral and supportive way. It has been so healing. Oh...and thanks for not flaunting your babies :-) and thanks for sharing them with me. You guys have been the best friends. Thanks for inviting me over, knowing full well that I might not be very fun.
3- To my mom and sisters and all my wonderful in-laws...thanks for calling/emailing/facebooking and checking in on me. I know how much you guys care, and I love you.
4- To my living kiddos-what dear boys! Thank you for loving me through this and giving me hugs and jumping to my comfort when you see me crying. Thank you for missing Elsa too, and for talking about her and including her in your lives. Thank you for your sweet prayers. Thank you for playing hallway soccer and other endless games with me.
5- To my body-thank you for being so healthy. Thank you for being good at growing and birthing babies.
6- to Lindsay Brin and your Core Metabolizm Jumpstart workout video-thank you for kicking my butt with your engaging workout. Thank you for helping that belly go flat again and for melting off (almost all!) the rest of the pregnancy fat quickly. I needed quick results and running just wasn't doing it quickly for me anymore after 3 babies and now that I'm in my 30's.
7- To Cheryl- thanks for your fun parenting class on Sunday nights and helping me to go two whole hours each Sunday without thinking about Elsa (not that I want to forget her, but it feels healthy to laugh and be happy and focus on my boys too).
8- To my midwives- Jesica, Jennifer, Joy and also Sarah- thanks for both the past and the inevitable future full of a worried mama's questions and visits. You are as smart as whips and have great caring and sensitivity. You ladies are like kindred spirits. Love you.
L: midwife Jesica at the Andaluz potluck...just a couple of weeks after Elsa and before the arrival of her sweet baby
R: midwife Sarah in Utah with our little boy Toby at 2 weeks (she also caught Joshua)
9- To my sewing maching- I am finding renewed interest in you.
10- To Bella Swan- I know what the hole feels like in your chest. Mine will be filled someday too.
11- To my house and bed and all your lovely coziness.
12- To Brent and his go-to book of adventures. You're helping me enjoy life and stay un-depressed. Plus you're a really good cook, a good listener, and a ton of fun! Thanks for listening to my perspective and trying to understand. Thanks for being such a good daddio to the kids and a good friend to me. Thanks for remembering Elsa too. Together our love story will be epic!
13- To my faithful friends near and far-I treasure you.
14- To God- for always sending peace when I need it. And also for ansering my prayers. I guess I could say thanks for the journey.
15- To the feeling of anticipation- you are exciting and fun like a child on Christmas morning...and now I will have you for the rest of my life until I get to see Elsa again.
16- To sleep- oh how I LOVE you.
17- To music- you make me dance, you make me weep, you help me feel.
18- To Elsa- thanks for coming to my life. Thanks for helping me to be spiritual. Thanks for being my daughter. Thanks for staying nearby and watching over us. Thanks for your love. I will always love you.
19- To my kiddo(s) yet to come- HURRY UP! It's going to be a party! Love you!
Today I woke up fighting a cold. Thankfully it was not a busy day, and I was able to get a bit of rest. I spent all morning in a restful, prayerful, meditative state...thinking about Elsa and what she is up to; thinking about how close she is to me. Feeling thankful that I can still have a connection to her and feel her spirit. Feeling sweet reassurance that everything will work out for our little family, in the end. Trust, patience, peace. Sometime in the middle of the morning, I realized what day it is! Oh yes, it has been three months since Elsa was born. I am grateful that somehow everything worked out so that today I could be at home, relatively alone, and able to think about these things.
3 Months
3 Months
Toby's 3 month pictures for Elsa...I can almost image her growing up, smiling up a storm and rolling all over the floor; looking a little bit like a potato and growing like a weed.
I was privledged to spend the afternoon writing letters to my state's legislative representatives in support of the midwifery laws in the GREAT state of Oregon. I am grateful for the consumer choices that we have for childbirth here, and I am thankful for the INCREDIBLE midwife team that I am privledged to be able to see at Andaluz Waterbirth Center. I know that Elsa would've left us regardless of whether she was born in a hospital or at home. My midwives are still supporting me on my journey...answering my emails and calls, providing me with helpful advice. I am sure that I won't totally be able to decide how I will birth my next child until the time comes. Logically, I know that I would be fine having another home birth. Emotionally, I do not know how I will feel when the time comes. But I am glad that I have the choice available to me to birth how I will choose.
To my sweet spirit daughter: I miss you.
We have hit a major milestone in our married life. We have now lived in our current home longer than we have lived anywhere else during our 10+ years of marriage. We moved into our home 2 and a half years ago, after finishing 8 years of school and apartment living. And I just have to say how very happy we are to be here. We LOVE our home and our city and our friends here. We love all of the adventures we are having. Brent was teasing me recently that I have become more of a home-body than I have ever been...and I just have to blame that on how comfortable and nice our home is. I know that we are lucky and blessed to live in such a lovely place and have such an awesome home! The current plan is to stay here for at least a couple more years. How could we move now that we have almost everything the way we want it? That...and the current real estate market will keep us here for a while. But we don't mind. :-)
This picture was taken back in May, after we did a lot of work on our yard. Now the plants have grown in a lot and it looks better.
A run down the beach invigorates the body and brings joy to the spirit:
And still, I can't get my mind off of:
I can't help but wonder what my life would be life if she was still alive. I would no doubt be posting pictures of her instead of her name in the sand...giving updates of her smiles and laughs.
And my life is like the weather at the beach:
Am I going to be sunny?...
...or stormy?
...OR, perhaps I cannot decide, so I will just give you a rainbow:
But, there are others...the ones who are alive. And I hold them tight everyday. They get all the hugs that are for them, and also the ones that I have for Elsa.
...and they can write their own names in the sand.
LOVE the self timer family portrait:
LOVE this guy:
...and these guys
Still I look at this scene:
...and I think of three things at the same time
1- I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to
decide is what to do with the time that is given us. -The Fellowship of the Ring, J.R.R. Tolkien
2- Life is eternal, and love is immortal; and death is only a horizon, and a horizon is nothing save the
limit of our sight. - Rossiter Worthington Raymond
3- End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take.
The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.
Pippin: What? Gandalf? See what?
Gandalf: White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.
Pippin: Well, that isn't so bad.
Gandalf: No, no it isn't.
-The Return of the King, J.R.R. Tolkien
While the weather's still nice...gotta take advantage of it!
Bring on the very child friendly park to park Tualatin River paddle. It is a gentle paddle between the Tualatin Community Park and Cook Park in Tigard. It is about 1 mile each way.
Bring on the very child friendly park to park Tualatin River paddle. It is a gentle paddle between the Tualatin Community Park and Cook Park in Tigard. It is about 1 mile each way.
First some prerequset play time at the very fun Tualatin Community Park
Being on the river for one hour is as good as one day of vacation
Oh yeah...have you ever seen a squirrel swim across a river? Well now we have and it is hilarious! It was chattering the whole way while its tail was twitching up and down. I was trying to take a picture of it, but we were moving too fast so that by the time the picture took all you can see is the squirrel's wake.
our stop at Cook Park (Cookie Park)
So much fun! But we seem to be missing someone...
No, I did not dye it. I used spray on color. First I did an overall orange coat and then I gave him red highlights to make it look more natural. It's nasty stuff and made his hair so sticky! It washed right out of his hair, but parts of his scalp are still colored. It sure did make the costume though! How can you be Ron Weasley without having shocking red hair?
Here he is a couple of days later after two washings
(I know...he really needs a haircut!)
We had a great Halloween this year...
enough of the pictures ma! I'm going to the party!
Joshua and Toby were so excited to be Harry Potter and Ron Weasley this year. We have been reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone together, and they have just started to enjoy the movies. It was so great to watch them get into character. They were SO into it. So much so that our playhouse out back has become Hagrid's hut and our little forest area is the Forbidden Forest. They have learned a great arsinol of spells, with the favorite being expecto patronum!...to ward off the dementors. And they are having a great time being the best of friends: loyal, brave and true...in true Gryffindor form.
I hope they had a fun year. We had a few parties to attend, we had pumpkin and witch hat-shaped pancakes, we had witches brew, a strobe light thriller dance party, and lots of games and candy. I decided to have a party on Halloween night, so as to keep the kids from Trick or treating too long and getting too much candy. Getting ready for this party was just the thing I needed to get me in the Halloween spirit. I'm afraid that I only put up the Halloween decorations a few days before the party. But I am glad that I had the chance to make it magical for the boys.
Harry n' Ron's party:
witches brew
dough nut eating game (more hygienic than bobbing for apples, albeit slightly less nutritions.)
so fun to see ALL the boys getting in on the action
Brent got decked out and gave the kids a good Hallow-scare!
