Yesterday marked the two week anniversary of Elsa's beautiful birth. I am full of many emotions...both happy and sad, but all good. It feels good to be happy and it feels good to be sad. I spent the evening yesterday editing and arranging photos of Elsa's time here on the earth. My thoughts are now organized enough to share the story of Elsa... I feel like it is important to convey this openly and honestly. I feel that it is important for my healing process to get this out there...and maybe it will make others more aware. But be warned that it is raw and emotional. While there is no nudity, it may be more intense than many people are accustomed to. Just know that you've been warned.
November 2008:
I could feel Elsa's spirit from the very beginning of my pregnancy. I knew she was a girl.
April 1, 2009: We had an ultrasound and found out that yes indeed she was a girl! We were so excited.
May 24, 2009: The beginning of the third trimester! I was getting anxious to meet our baby girl.
June 20, 2009: Elsa had some good times with us while in utero...this particular memory shared on a hike in Skagway Alaska. She was always a kicking happy hiccuping baby.
August 13, 2009:
Flash forward to August. I was 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I had an hour-long visit with my midwife and her apprentice. Everything was perfect...urine samples, my vitals, and Elsa's heart beat strong and healthy. She was perfectly positioned to be born and was well engaged in my pelvis.
August 14, 2009:
Brent and I spent the day cleaning and getting things ready around the house. I had been having contractions on and off since 37 weeks, and I figured that I would go into labor around 39 weeks...since that is what happened when I was pregnant with Toby. That evening Brent and I went to the Temple (a place of worship in our religion) and we spent the evening contemplating Elsa, whose name means 'noble one' and 'promise from God'. It was here where we decided to give her the middle name of Meadowlark (one who sings at the gates of heaven), for reasons we can't really explain. Elsa was most likely already gone at this point. I had no idea that anything was wrong.
August 15, 2009: Saturday
We spent more time at home cleaning and working in the yard. I was still having irregular contractions. I noticed this day that I could not make Elsa move by poking her. I was a little worried, but assumed that I was being paranoid...and that she was sleeping or getting too big to move in the space she had or hunkering down and getting ready to be born.
August 16, 2009: Sunday (38 weeks, 4 days)
Our family attended our church meeting, which was Stake Conference (a large meeting of all the smaller wards or individual congregations in our area). During this meeting, I started having regular contractions.
When we got home I was feeling edgy and emotional. I took a shower and a nap. I woke up feeling better and my contractions picked right up again. I walked around the house during my contractions, which brought them on stronger. Between contractions I was tidying small areas, last minute...and getting the last few things ready that I needed to set up for my planned home birth.
Around 5:30 pm I started recording the length and time between contractions to see if this was indeed active labor yet. I fielded a lot of phone calls that evening and my contractions were starting to require my concentration...so around 8:30 pm I called my midwife and let her know that I was in active labor, but I told her to take her time, since I prefer to labor alone.
Around 9:30 pm the birth team arrived. They quickly brought in the birth supplies and started setting up the birth pool (I was so happy that it fit in my bathroom!). My contractions were still 5 or more minutes apart, but they were requiring ALL of my concentration and I HAD to sit on the yoga/birth ball during them or ELSE! We took some last belly pictures before the baby made her arrival.
Around 10:00 pm, the birth team had finished setting up and the apprentice came in to take my vitals and check the baby's heart beat. All vitals were fine...but she could not find a fetal heart tone. The midwife came in and tried, to no avail. For 20 or 30 minutes they tried to find a heart tone.
Our midwife gave us several options and left Brent and I alone for several moments to decide what we wanted to do. The options were to transfer to the hospital, to meet Dr. Ed at his clinic and do an ultrasound, or stay home and have the baby.* Brent gave me a priesthood blessing, and all was calm. We knew there was no other option than to stay home...especially after my next contraction, which rocked my body and sent me into transition. I knew there was no time to go anywhere. And I think we all knew that the baby was already gone and there was nothing the hospital or Dr. Ed could do. Yet, all I could do was hold out hope to get me through the rest of labor.
About 10:30ish I got in the birth pool. I floated in the relieving comfort that the warm water brings. Two more contractions rocked my body and then I had to push. As I pushed the amniotic sac broke. After a couple of slow, restrained pushes (to prevent tearing) Elsa was born at 10:47 pm.
Elsa was perfect.
8 lbs 4 oz, 21 inches long
The only explanation is that she wasn't meant for this earth. Her mission here was fulfilled through her death. As much as that leaves us aching, I know that is true. I know that we did nothing wrong...both physically and spiritually, to allow this to happen. My prenatal care and labor/delivery were exactly the same as Toby's and quite similar to Joshua's (both born at a hospital with a Certified Nurse Midwife), and exactly the same as they would have been with a doctor at a hospital...and possibly even more thorough.
I feel blessed that we were able to have a home birth. It was peaceful and private and compassionate. We got to hold her all night and the next day. We got to know our daughter so much more than we would have at a hospital. My delivery was so gentle, which has aided in an impossibly quick recovery...which allowed me to travel to Utah for the services and be physically well through all of it. I consider all of these things as 'tender mercies' from the Lord. We have had many, many experiences that have been 'tender mercies' from the Lord. We know He is aware of us and loves us.
Elsa's spirit is always with us. I can feel her all the time. SHE is getting us through this. This experience is opening up our awareness of a level of spirituality that we were not aware of before. Elsa is an amazingly compassionate person. She had a mission to fulfill, and she fulfilled it. She did not want to leave us. She is sad when I am sad. Her spirit has been around me constantly. She is bringing me comfort all the time and helping me to remember. She is grateful for her perfect body which we're now all waiting for her to be reunited with. I still feel like we need her in our family so much...but she IS still here with our family, opening up our awareness of a different level of spirituality. I know it will be ok, but my physical arms still ache to hold her. My spiritual arms embrace her constantly.
Thank you for crying with me and 'mourning with those who mourn.' I am touched deeply at every word and prayer that has been offered on our behalf. We can feel your love and support lifting us and comforting us.
17 comments:
Kate-thank you for sharing with us. I know this is therapeutic for you. It is heart wrenching for those of us that love you. I wish more than anything I could give you the gift of time.
I also appreciate you sharing your experience. My heart absolutely breaks for you. I think of you everyday and admire your hope and faith.
You are right, this is indeed a beautiful birth story. I'm so glad you shared it.
Thank you for honoring us by sharing these pictures and Elsa's story. I am so touched by your beauty.
Yes Kate, thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. The photos are beautiful! I really honor your insight. You guys are the greatest.
Ohhh thanks for sharing Elsa's story with us! I sat and bawled my eyes out for you, with you, and just wished I could hug you. I have been thinking of you a lot. Your faith and testimony are beautiful and inspiring.
Raw and Emotional is so true. Thank you so much for sharing Elsa's story and for sharing such personal pictures with us. What a gift she is to you and your family.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with everyone what a humbling yet difficult opportunity. Your family will grow so much from this experience and little Elsa is perfect! I am doing what you asked and holding my own new little one and thanking my Heavenly Father for him in my life, you are such an inspiration to me and will always be so! If you ever need a listening ear please don't hesitate!
Oh Kate! I feel like I already know you so well and feel this connection because we both are mothers to an angel. My heart just breaks for you as I read your story but I also marvel at your strength. I know you might not feel strong but you are. I would love to talk to you more about your sweet Elsa if you'd like. My email is amy.chinagal@gmail.com
thank you for your sweet comment on our blog!
What a sweet, tender story. There is nothing really that makes it much easier, but I see God's tender mercies in your journey - an early, spiritual connection with your baby, a trip to the temple shortly before her birth, a labor that let you know she WOULD be born at home....I am just so sorry she is helping you from heaven, rather than being in your arms. She is beautiful.
This poem was in the Ensign years ago. By Susan Chock Hartman
For Mary Lydia: From a Parent Left Behind
By Susan Chock Hartman
Child,
you were not born for sorrow.
I cannot even mourn for you: a few hours
beneath the stars, a name, a covenant,
a safe and shining flight across the sky.
I mourn, instead, for myself,
for my mortal fears, my pain,
for my world-weariness,
for my dark nights. But you, my child,
did not come for such grief.
Someday I shall teach you of this green earth:
of small warm animals,
of cornfields and clay,
of birds that can’t fly,
and of the fear of falling.
And though your new home is
grander, your new life
more splendid, your new world
much lighter, much warmer
than this,
I believe all will be
more beautiful
when I hold you again.
Thank you so much for sharing Elsa's beautiful story with us, for trusting us with your grief. My heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry. I'm holding my little ones tighter today.
I will be praying for you, that you will continue to be comforted and find peace.
Thanks you for sharing such a deep and precious experience! I think about you and your amazing family often. I have been tremendously impressed with all your faith,devotion and strength. Kate you are a women of great examples in my book! Thank you, thank you for helping us that love you, feel the incredible journey you have had thus far with Elsa. I have cried numerous times with heart ache, but too know of the peace and love our Heavenly Father has for his children.
Love you all!
Marsh
Praying for you and your family. May the blessings of our caring and loving Heavenly Father be with you and your sweet family. Kappy
Counselor Troy,
I did mourn, I did cry! I feel your pain. Thank you for sharing your faith and the beauty of life weather here or beyond. I love you. I pray you will always be strengthened when you miss your little girl.
I have 3 perfect boys and long each pregnancy for a girl, I miss her though she has not come yet, I have not seen her or felt anything physical from her I know I will have a girl someday. But I cry when I think of her not being here yet. Embrace the Challenge! Love you.
Hi there.
I was poking around the internet looking for information on a particular midwife, as we are considering her care for my pregnancy. My seach led me to a website called oregonmidwifeinfo.com. They recounted your story as a midwife-fault tragedy. I followed the link to your blog and read the story for myself. I would just like to say that I am SO SORRY your story was taken and misrepresented in that way. It made me angry for you. You're a strong woman, and I wish you all the best.
Heather
I see the dates and realize that some years have passed, but even now you and Elsa Meadowlark are a blessing through your sharing of this birth story. As a midwife, I do understand. In my 35 plus years in the Lord's service as a midwife, I've served in two similar sorrows. But, in each of them, God has shown his tender mercies. Still, midwives do grieve terribly too. My heart, to yours, dear Kate. Love, Raeann