The Wood Between the Worlds

Elsa was being born at this exact time 1 month ago.  Happy birthday my precious, precious angel.  I felt a need to say that even though I have posted a song and a picture depicting Elsa as a baby/child in heaven with Jesus...I know that her spirit is ageless and has reached maturity, as far as spirits go.  She is NOT a baby in heaven.  

This last month has seemed like the Twilight Zone...wondering if this is really happening.  Going through cycles of sadness, hope, sadness, hope, and even joy.  Waiting, waiting , waiting for my two friends to have their babies.  It really seems like it's been a year...but yet there they were, still pregnant.

I feel bad about my post from yesterday, but it did feel good to get it out.  And my friends understand.  We try our best to be honest with each other.  That's what makes our friendship so true.
 But I do want to say, that I have great peace in this whole experience.  All of my "whys" have been answered through prayer, and I have felt such a deeper joy and appreciation than I have ever felt my whole life.  As in contrast , this is the deepest loss I have ever felt.

The promises I have received are carrying me through the loss and the hurt:
1) The short term- another baby will come, and will be alive.  From everything that I have read about others experiences...this is the one thing that can ease the pain the most.  This is the great distraction that will pass the time until we get our angel babies back.

2) The longterm- Elsa will once again be mine.  Joseph Smith (the first prophet of our church) said that we will have our little ones again soon.  That line has gone through my head over and over during the past month.  At first it just made me frustrated, because I want 'soon' to mean tomorrow or next week or even next year.  Heck, if I even knew WHEN when is, then at least I could make a plan.  But having to wait until the end of my life or the Millenium (whichever comes first), does not seem 'soon'.  Then after a time, my perspective has changed.  TIME is so subjective.  Elsa's pregnancy for example, seemed to drag on forever while I was pregnant.  But then when it was over and she was gone, it seemed that it went by fast.  Too fast.  In fact, I would give anything just to be pregnant with her again, to be able to spend more time with her.  I will never take for granted what I have again, or wish it away.  I will feel greater joy because of this.  Now I realize that by the time I see Elsa again, life, it will seem, will have passed quickly.  And what a great joy our family has to look forward to!  Such a sweet reunion it will be!

I just wanted to thank everyone for putting up with my blog.  I know it's heavy.  But it is my life.  And this is my outlet.  It feels great to be so honest and open.  I have been advised to grieve however it feels best.  And I am doing that.  It feels good to be heard. 

One more thing:
I wanted to share a really sweet article from the Oregonian [newspaper] about a couple who lost a baby in a very similar situation to mine (except their baby was born in the hospital and died within moments of being born and could not be resuscitated).  This article has brought me comfort.  It goes through what it is like to grieve the loss of a new baby.  I can really relate to their experience, at least in as far as we have come.  Please read it if you have a moment:
When a Baby Dies: Missing Max