These past few months, I have been feeling well. Really well, and have found what feels like a "good" place in my feelings toward Elsa and life in general. I *finally* figured out a way to stop feeling jealous of everyone with little girls! That was a HUGE step toward feeling good. I can't even explain how I let go of that twinge of jealousy...but my heart needed it. And I was also able to let go of my pride a bit and see that Elsa's death (and every time I feel sad or jealous) is a chastisement for my little self from God. I listened to this talk in our church's General Conference over and over {I tend to do that...I take one or two favorite talks and listen to them until they sink in SO well...} "As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten". First of all, isn't it SO good to know that God loves me? No doubt! My very favorite part of this talk is when Elder Christofferson tells the story of President Hugh B. Brown and his current bush. He had a bush that was overgrown and not bearing any fruit, and so he cut the bush way down because he knew that would help the bush to grow fruit the way it was intended. And he imagine the bush saying:
“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”
President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”
{Incidentally, it is SO true that bushes and trees produce more fruit when they are cut down. I have learned this for myself these past few years as I have been striving to grow fruit myself!}
As soon as I could truly submit to this chastening, I can't describe the feeling of peace that I experienced, and the load that was lifted from my shoulders. And every time I start to feel sad, I remember this...and immediately my burden is lifted. I have heard the scripture in Matthew 11 many times:
28) Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (29) Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. (30) For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
But now I think I have finally experienced my burdens having been made light. {I'm sure I have before, but it wasn't as noticeable since the burden wasn't as heavy.}
I also love this talk by Elder Nelson with all of my heart. My favorite part (the part I had to keep replaying over and over) is when he says:
"Unfailing faith is fortified through prayer. Your heartfelt pleadings are important to Him. Think of the intense and impassioned prayers of the Prophet Joseph Smith during his dreadful days of incarceration in Liberty Jail. The Lord responded by changing the Prophet’s perspective. He said, “Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”
If we pray with an eternal perspective, we need not wonder if our most tearful and heartfelt pleadings are heard. This promise from the Lord is recorded in section 98 of the Doctrine and Covenants:
“Your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord … and are recorded with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.
“Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord.”
The Lord chose His strongest words to reassure us! Seal! Testament! Sworn! Decreed! Immutable covenant! Brothers and sisters, believe Him! God will heed your sincere and heartfelt prayers, and your faith will be strengthened."
So I've been good lately. Really good. I'm enjoying my life SO much! And I have felt very happy with the idea of raising money for MamaBaby Haiti in memorandum of Elsa's beautiful life. And I was very excited to have a girly, pink tea party to celebrate her life {despite my 6 year old's protests against anything "too girly"}. And our tea party was a success! It was lovely.
Elsa's Garden
kids
Our special guests
These are our butterflies that we were going to release into Elsa's garden...
meadowlark stepping stone for garden
finished stepping stone (just needs to dry) and cute baby coming to help!
.......
And then I spent some time alone...I read some notes from all the well wishers (thank you)...
and one note struck me in particular. From my dear friend Rachel (who lost her sweet Matthew a few years back):
"I know that you are being timewarped back to that day as we speak, and I know it's tough but so important too."
And that's when I knew I needed to be alone so I could think about everything that was happening every beautiful moment 2 years ago. And then I cried. And I'm crying still. I miss my daughter SO much. I want her back. I LOVE her!! My body trembles to think of the emotional and physical pain that I have been through in the last two years. But it is ok...it is all ok. Seasons of pain come before seasons of joy. One thing I always remember when I'm in the midst of a most difficult or crushing challenge:
What is unbearable now will change. What is effortless now will change. Change is dependably constant. Have faith in change.
{I got that quote from this beautiful site.}
And when I feel like I just can't breathe anymore from the gaping hole in my heart, I remember that the holy spirit is my breath.
And I remember these words of Joseph Smith:
“A question may be asked—‘Will mothers have their children in eternity?’ Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid.”
“Children … must rise just as they died; we can there hail our lovely infants with the same glory—the same loveliness in the celestial glory.”
President Joseph F. Smith, the sixth President of the Church, reported: “Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.’ …
And
“This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. …
“… The only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope.”
Elsa~too pure, too lovely for this earth
<3
4 comments:
A beautiful, and heart warming post. I'm so sorry for the trials you've had to bear.
I think the tea party was a lovely idea!
My goodness. What a beautfiul powerful post - I don't even know what to say but that you teach me so much. I love you dearly, friend.
Wow, thank you! Thank you for touching me tonight. I definitely needed some of those reminders. I also lost a baby girl 5 years ago. I can relate with so much of what you talked about. I have felt all of those things. What a wonderful idea to raise money for MamaBaby Haiti in her honor. Also I loved the tea party idea. I am so glad to have come across your blog.
She was too pure and beautiful for this earth. I'm constantly in awe of how much you've been able to learn from this experience and have such an amazing view of it all. I'm so glad that you are in my life and an adopted sister to me. Thank you for including me in a such a special celebration of your sweet angel. I will remember her birth and keep it in my heart always. And every year when you are reliving that day, know that I'm doing the same.