A visit to the Rhododendron Garden is a delight:
these guys came WAY too close to us
SO Garden of Eden...
(still working on camera settings...getting closer!)
Joshua's professional Facebook Portrait
(for when he's allowed to start using Facebook)
We saw another professional photographer there taking professional facebook pictures, so we thought we'd join in!
self portrait...
me and my poor recuperating postpostpartum hair
(does it seem fair that my hair still fell out even though my baby died? Alas, the hair does not care.)
I just wanted to write a quick post to say thank you to everyone who left a comment on my blog entry 'defending home birth'. Your support and love and kind remarks mean the world to me. THIS is one of the reasons why I have been blogging since Elsa's death. I am SO lifted by the support I receive from many wonderful friends, family members, and even strangers who give me new perspective and strength.
I also wanted to say that I believe in medical interventions when needed and I understand how life saving and compassionate they can be. I truly believe there are situations where induction and c-sections are the best decision. When women have medical situations that require this level of care, they are a Godsend. Like I said before, I would have done any amount of medical intervention if I was in the situation to choose saving Elsa's life. But that was not my choice to make. And if Elsa's cause of death was something that had a great likely-hood of happening again, I would choose an early induction. But it is not any more likely to happen to one of mine as it is to anyone else's. It was a completely random fluke...and I can't live my life in fear and miss the beauty and joy that will come from another home birth.
Speaking of Elsa, I just wanted to share an experience that I had today. It has also been the lift I need right now. As you can imagine, everywhere I go I see mamas with their baby girls. I always think of Elsa and it saddens me greatly. Almost every day I hear of a friend or an acquaintance and the safe arrival of their precious baby. And I realize all the more that many babies don't die in this day and age. It is a stark realization to me EVERY.single.time. I hear of a birth. That my baby died for a reason...and I know for a surety that the reason is ALL she needed was a body and then she passed through to where she needed to be. And I have often wondered why it had to be mine instead of someone else's (not that I would want anyone else to go through this...but), and it hit me strongly that I was chosen or I volunteered because I am strong enough to do this. It is dang hard, but I am strong enough. I will make it. And if Elsa chose me for this, I am honored to be able to do it. And I would rather have her in my family then not experience the heart ache that it has brought. Someday it will only be joy.
And I will NOT give up faith or hope that I will have a live baby girl someday. I have always deeply felt that I would have children of both genders. And I know that I just have to wait...wait...
And I am so grateful that I am healthy and have easy pregnancies and births, as I know for many people this would be much more difficult.
And THIS baby boy is very wanted. I am attached to him and can't wait for him to come.
We were so happy and blessed to have both sets of Joshua's grandparents travel to Oregon for his baptism this month. He also had an auntie fly all the way in from New York! We had Brent's parents stay at our house for 3-4 days...and then Jane had to be back in Utah to teach Biology to some BYU students. But my mom and her husband Marvin, my sisters Heather and Annika, and our little family got a [fabulous!] condo through our great friends (thanks!) at Seaside for a few days.
We went swimming, and beach combing, jogging, hiking, exploring, cooked together and watched movies. It was a great time! The boys especially had an awesome time with out of town family.
We had some really spectacular weather for April at the Oregon coast. The past two years we've gone to the coast with Brent's parents in April and it has only been rain, rain, wind, cold and rain.
So while my mom and Marv went to Tillamook to see some museums, my sisters, Brent, the boys and I were going to go hike around Hug Point.
Unfortunately, when we got down to the point the tide was TOO HIGH! It was covering the trail.
Everyone was quite disappointed...we were all looking forward to a great hike.
So after standing around the beach for a few minutes...the boys climbed the cliffs...I tried to fly a kite with no wind...Brent tried hiking over the headland to see if we could get to the trail another way...I was seeing desperation in my sister who flew in from New York City and was really wanting to see some coastal forest...
SO...I told the other adults "You guys go and hike Tillamook Head without me and I'll take the little boys to do something else."
You see, hiking Tillamook Head was what they ALL really wanted to do. But it is a 7 mile hike each way...unless you have someone drop you off in Cannon Beach and pick you up at Seaside. And the longest our boys have ever hiked was about 4-5 miles...and that was HARD for them. And I was really tired from jogging on the beach that morning with my sister. So the others had agreed to hike Hug Point instead...a 2 mile hike to a waterfall. But when that wasn't working out...
I know, I know...I am the BEST sister and wife.
I dropped Brent, Heather and Annika off at the trail head in Cannon Beach. Then I took a 1-2 mile hike with the boys in Ecola State Park...in a location where part of 'The Goonies' was filmed, took the boys out to ice cream, and later picked up the others in Seaside. And Brent took the camera, so here are some of his shots:
Storm Clouds and Terrible Tilly (the lighthouse)
Brent was really impressed with the amount our new camera can zoom!
Terrible Tilly
Heather
I found these shots to be enchanting.
The next day we took everyone to Fort Stevens and Astoria:
At shipwreck beach...
There was plenty of wind to fly a kite!
interpretive kite flying (the next big Olympic event)
All the better when you're 22 weeks pregnant (I know...I'm very large and in charge!)
cute sisters and mom
Joshua had fun running in the waves...and as usual, got soaked.
Toby stayed quite away from the waves and played on the sand dunes instead.
And found a small hut to explore (ate some sand)
Climbed on an old stump and said 'take my picture' with enthusiasm!
played in the sand and found a stick...
By the request of Heather, and amidst the protests of playing boys...
We had a noble attempt...
And I must say a VERY noble attempt to take a picture...
And as you can see, by the time Heather got in the shot...the boys were quite done.
whatevea!...
Then we went to see this:
(The Astoria Column)
And to get to the top, you have to climb these:
(Brent did it in just under a minute)
And two boys who are very excited look like this:
(they did a very good job...better than I)
And the view from the top looks like this:
and this:
(!)
And boy(s) who discover they are AFRAID of heights look like this:
(won't you please smile for a picture? No? Ok.)
Boys who are [very] happy to be going back down look like this:
Grandma, Grandpa and Auntie standing at the top look like this:
A zoomed-in view of Saddle Mountain looks like this:
And finally a bald eagle in a tree looks like this:
(right by the parking lot!)
OH...one more thing!
VERY thirsty boys who take a stop at the artesian spring on the way back to Portland look like this:
yum, yum!!
Since I'm on a roll tonight as far as confessionals go...I'm going to address an issue that I have been meaning to address for a very long time. Birth. And more specifically, the upcoming birth of this baby.
There are two parts to this. 1) I realize that how I decide to birth any of my babies isn't anyone else's business, and 2) birth is one of my very favorite and passionate topics. So being therefore forewarned, feel free to either skip this post or read on.
The reason why I choose to write this post despite part 1 (above) is because of all the very well meaning and kind comments and questions I have received and/or heard through the grapevine. Because we all have good intentions, I just want to make sure that everyone has the story straight...because I realize that misconceptions happen and things are misunderstood when things are not completely clear.
So these are pretty much the types of questions that I've been hearing:
Have you decided how you're going to birth this next baby?
Are you going to do anything different?
Have you considered being induced early?
Have you ever thought about what would've happened if you had been induced early with Elsa?
I'm going to start out by saying that I am planning on giving birth to this baby pretty much the same way that I gave birth to all my other babies. My two oldest were pretty much 'hospital home births'...in that I was at the hospital and had no interventions. But because of the few inconvenient hospital protocols that I was required to follow, I spent the few years between Toby and Elsa dreaming of a peaceful, quiet home birth in the water. I know that many women do not dream of birth. And I believe that home birth is not for everyone. And I do understand the reasoning behind wanting a more conventional birth. But one of the most beautiful parts of my experience with Elsa was her birth. It was absolutely my dream birth, but without the live baby that I had dreamt of. And Elsa's death was not as a result of me being out of the hospital. She died two days before she was born. End of story...no speculation. Her birth was just as easy and quick and complication-free as Toby's was (minus the whole not finding a heartbeat part). So if everything goes as planned, this baby will either be born at home or at the birth center. And I will have two very experienced midwives there, along with one or two apprentices. And believe me when I say that I did a lot of praying, researching, consulting with perinatologists, and soul searching before I came to this decision.
Am I going to do anything different? Already, I am hyper-aware of this baby and his movements. I count them all the time. Before Elsa died, I never had one. single. problem. with any aspect of pregnancy or childbirth. I never expected anything to go wrong. The day before she died, I had a prenatal appointment and everything was just perfect. I did not expect her to die. Not. at. all. It was one of the biggest shocks I have ever experienced. It was traumatic and yet beautiful...very tragic, if it were the end. Thankfully it is not. But so far, we have had a more in depth ultrasound (than we had with Elsa) at 18 weeks and we looked for any potential problems in the cord (and elsewhere). I'm happy to say that this baby looks absolutely perfect. And I plan on having two more ultrasounds before and up to 38 weeks (Elsa died at 38.5 weeks), and thereafter if needed. I do not think that any extra ultrasounds would have caught Elsa's umbilical hematoma, but I will feel a bit more reassured knowing that the blood is flowing freely through the cord.
I have had several people say to me "hopefully your doctor will induce you early, considering what happened with your last baby." And while I do not look down upon any other angel mamas who choose that option for the next "rainbow" baby (because it is such a mental and emotional decision), I will not choose that option for myself. Induction with Pitocin would greatly increase the risks of childbirth, and causes a cascade of interventions. 60% of all mamas induced with Pitocin end up having a c-section. In our country more than 1 out of 3 mamas have c-sections (33%), when only approximately 2-4% would be required if birth took it's natural course. A c-section is a major abdominal surgery, which greatly increases morbidity and mortality in mamas and babies.
Last of all, I never have considered the 'what ifs' surrounding Elsa's birth. How can I? For one thing, it doesn't do any good. I can't go back and change anything. And it won't make any difference to my future babies. How would I have known that I needed to be induced early? Believe me when I say that IF I had known, Elsa would still be here. I most certainly would've done ANYTHING to keep her alive. I would've been induced early. I would've had a c-section. If I could've known and if it would've helped...but I did not know. And to be honest, no doctor or midwife would induce a mama before 38 weeks for no medical reason. Remember that everything was fine. Normal the day before she died. It's because of all this that I know she is NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! I know that it would've worked out if she was supposed to live. And I've spent a good part of the last 8 months wishing that it could've worked out. And because I know that, I know in the same way that God is in charge of this baby too. I am not taking any unnecessary risks though. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure this baby gets here alive. And I believe that an out of hospital birth will get this baby here the same as a hospital birth would.
Because I am a religious person and I am very interested in childbirth (to the tune of possibly someday becoming a midwife myself), I agree with the statement made by a fellow spiritual pregnancy/childbirth advocate Felice Austin when she says "God is very interested in the way in which His daughters birth and how His children come to this world." This statement comes from
this blog entry...a VERY interesting read.
Thank you to all of my caring friends and family for your support and well-wishes. More prayers are always appreciated. I can literally feel the prayers and the holy ghost carrying me through these times.
I have a confession to make...and I'm mostly making it because the locals are starting to notice:
We have put our house on the market.
The reason why I haven't said anything to pretty much anyone is because we don't really think it will sell at the price we want...AND we don't really want to move. We are very happy where we are and especially now that we FINALLY feel like we're getting our house settled/decorated the way we want it, and the yard is SO dreamy (we have put in A LOT of hard work/manual labor in there). BUT...our real estate agent told us that we have a pretty good window in which to sell in our area right now. She says that houses in our area are selling fast and selling at the price which we would need to break even. She thinks that the prices are going to drop again in the next year or two because interest rates will be going up. So we kinda feel like it might make sense for us financially to sell this house and get into a house that we can pay off sooner...like in 15 years...so we can be debt free much sooner! So we shall see if anyone happens to be interested in buying our house. And if not, that will be totally fine too!
I was about to attach the link to our listing...but then I realized that I would be giving the entire free world our address! So never mind.
It so happens that today is my dad's 75th birthday! I just remembered while we were eating dinner. I don't think that I acknowledge my dad nearly enough. He died when I was 10...he was only 53. I don't know if birthdays are celebrated in the spirit world...but HAPPY BIRTHDAY anyway dad!
75 years?? You are OLD!
This is Joshua's favorite thing to do.
This is my favorite 8 year old.
This is my favorite candid picture of his cute face.
