I love my kids. They are so sweet and smart and most of all they WANT to do good. Why is it then, that at certain times they act TOTALLY CRAZY in front of people...and then these people think that my kids are horrible?
Take, for example Tithing Settlement: we get into the Bishop's Office and the kids can't sit still, they can't keep their hands to themselves, they touch EVERYTHING, and they don't listen to us when we ask and tell them to stop. (For you people who are totally confused: the Bishop is the leader of our Church congregation or ward, and tithing settlement is a meeting between our family and the Bishop where we declare that we have offered 10% of our earnings for the calendar year). Our dear Bishop is so sweet and kind, but every time we have brought our kids to his office for a meeting they go berserk!! I am afraid that this is all that some people see of our kids and it is making me frustrated. So, every time I talk to the Bishop he tries to comfort me and tell me how the crazy times will be over someday (I actually LOVE these days...most of the time)...and tries to console me. Nice, but it makes me feel frustrated all the same. My kids are ALWAYS good in sacrament meeting. Does anybody notice that? I wonder.
Another example, is when we took our kids over to see one of the families in our ward that Brent home teaches: they are this really cool young family that we wanted to get to know better and guess what? Our kids were berserk! I don't blame that family for never wanting to invite us over again. I wouldn't invite us over again if I thought that the kids always behaved like that!
The problem is, I think that word gets around. We had a really tough year with both of the boys last year (and it was our first year here), so I didn't feel very social, and now I feel kind of like I am branded as the mom with the out-of-control children that I don't discipline and that I can't handle. Well, the news is that I do discipline my kids. I think that I often discipline them too hard. I wish that I were less coercive as a parent and that my kids would obey me because I elicit their love and respect (I know my kids love me very much). And here's another news flash: I CAN"T CONTROL MY KIDS! They have free agency, as I believe is part of the GREAT plan of Salvation. And sometimes I don't want to control them...if they're not endangering themselves or others....really!
The really hard part is that Joshua has a disability, but it is not very apparent. So he gets berserk when he is over stimulated, but people don't know about his disability (or maybe they think it's an excuse?), so they don't understand why he acts that way. They just think that I don't handle my kids very well...ooo it is FRUSTRATING! As Joshua grows older he is doing better so that's good, but I still feel like we can't rid ourselves of this scarlet letter unless we move (but I really don't want to move). And Toby is great, a little stubborn, but great. I don't see him having the same problems that Joshua has...but you combine his stubbornness with the terrible two's and that made for a tough year. It wouldn't have been so bad if Joshua wasn't also struggling.
And don't get me wrong. I KNOW that I am not a perfect parent. But I have tried so hard to improve and be the best that I can be.
I just feel like the only friends I have are either the ones who knew me and loved me before I had kids (so they know that by nature I try my very hardest all the time or they overlook the silly things my kids do), or ones who are totally kind and understanding. The latter have come to love me and appreciate my kids...both their struggles and their goodness.
My conclusion at this time is to ask you not to draw conclusions when you see parents and kids struggling. You don't know what's really going on and how hard they ALL are really trying. Maybe you SHOULD jump to the conclusion that this family could use your friendship, understanding, charity and unconditional love.
I enjoy keeping it real here every once in a while. I feel so much better getting that off my chest, and Nobody's life is perfect...not even in bloggerland!
Our Dancing Queen
3 months ago
4 comments:
I try so hard not to be judgemental when I see other parents having trouble controlling their kids. I totally know. Actually, I think every kid is easily overstimulated--not to belittle Joshua's very real problem. At least it happens to my two older kids all the time. That is one thing I have really appreciated about living in South Jordan versus East Millcreek. People here seem a lot more patient with kids and more understanding when they throw fits. At least I don't get a lot of weird looks and I even get some help once in awhile. I am pretty sure people don't think as badly of you as you think. I know you are a wonderful mother.
I understand completely how you feel. I have never judged you or though you can't control your kids. I have actually thought the opposite, and think you do a great job, from what I have seen. Parenting is never easy I am learning more and more everyday. We just have to tough it out through the hard times and revel in the good times to make up for it. Keep it up and know your not alone.
All I can say is THANK YOU!! I so have moments like this and feel the same way all the time. I don't get it but kids are so unpredictable. I totally understand and I know you are a great mom and have awesome kids. Love ya cutie. Love the Christmas card too. So fun.
It must be something about the bishops office because my kids go crazy when we go there too!! I know that when I let other peoples judgements about my parenting get to me I actually am a worse mom (more impatient and mean with my kids), and then they just act worse. So you just have to remember that they are just kids, and they will learn and change if we model good behavior. I think you're a great mom, and I love your kids even with their crazy moments because I have so been there!!