*If you are visiting Elsa's birth story because you recently lost a baby or know someone who has, may you find peace. If you are visiting Elsa's birth story because you are following a link from "Oregon Midwife Info" or "Free Index of Oregon Midwifes Online" I welcome you to read Elsa's story for yourself and draw your own conclusion. Please be kind and know that all of my content is copywrited and you must seek permission before copying. As you will see (my story speaks for itself) neither my midwife nor I did anything wrong. Elsa still would've died even if I was attended by the best perinatologist in the world, because her umbilical vein broke before I went into labor. After I became aware of these anonymous posts where the link to Elsa's story is shared, great liberties are taken by the "anonymous" author, and my content is copied without my permission, I felt a little bit violated. I considered immediately taking down this blog post. But after some contemplation, I decided that I would leave it up as a way for the reader to make their own judgement. But mostly I am leaving it up for the purpose of other bereaved families seeking out support. Please feel free to read other posts like this one, for more information about the situation surrounding Elsa's birth, and read my added remarks after the story. Thanks.
Yesterday marked the two week anniversary of Elsa's beautiful birth. I am full of many emotions...both happy and sad, but all good. It feels good to be happy and it feels good to be sad. I spent the evening yesterday editing and arranging photos of Elsa's time here on the earth. My thoughts are now organized enough to share the story of Elsa... I feel like it is important to convey this openly and honestly. I feel that it is important for my healing process to get this out there...and maybe it will make others more aware. But be warned that it is raw and emotional. While there is no nudity, it may be more intense than many people are accustomed to. Just know that you've been warned.
November 2008:
I could feel Elsa's spirit from the very beginning of my pregnancy. I knew she was a girl.
April 1, 2009: We had an ultrasound and found out that yes indeed she was a girl! We were so excited.
May 24, 2009: The beginning of the third trimester! I was getting anxious to meet our baby girl.
June 20, 2009: Elsa had some good times with us while in utero...this particular memory shared on a hike in Skagway Alaska. She was always a kicking happy hiccuping baby.
August 13, 2009:
Flash forward to August. I was 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I had an hour-long visit with my midwife and her apprentice. Everything was perfect...urine samples, my vitals, and Elsa's heart beat strong and healthy. She was perfectly positioned to be born and was well engaged in my pelvis.
August 14, 2009:
Brent and I spent the day cleaning and getting things ready around the house. I had been having contractions on and off since 37 weeks, and I figured that I would go into labor around 39 weeks...since that is what happened when I was pregnant with Toby. That evening Brent and I went to the Temple (a place of worship in our religion) and we spent the evening contemplating Elsa, whose name means 'noble one' and 'promise from God'. It was here where we decided to give her the middle name of Meadowlark (one who sings at the gates of heaven), for reasons we can't really explain. Elsa was most likely already gone at this point. I had no idea that anything was wrong.
August 15, 2009: Saturday
We spent more time at home cleaning and working in the yard. I was still having irregular contractions. I noticed this day that I could not make Elsa move by poking her. I was a little worried, but assumed that I was being paranoid...and that she was sleeping or getting too big to move in the space she had or hunkering down and getting ready to be born.
August 16, 2009: Sunday (38 weeks, 4 days)
Our family attended our church meeting, which was Stake Conference (a large meeting of all the smaller wards or individual congregations in our area). During this meeting, I started having regular contractions.
When we got home I was feeling edgy and emotional. I took a shower and a nap. I woke up feeling better and my contractions picked right up again. I walked around the house during my contractions, which brought them on stronger. Between contractions I was tidying small areas, last minute...and getting the last few things ready that I needed to set up for my planned home birth.
Around 5:30 pm I started recording the length and time between contractions to see if this was indeed active labor yet. I fielded a lot of phone calls that evening and my contractions were starting to require my concentration...so around 8:30 pm I called my midwife and let her know that I was in active labor, but I told her to take her time, since I prefer to labor alone.
Around 9:30 pm the birth team arrived. They quickly brought in the birth supplies and started setting up the birth pool (I was so happy that it fit in my bathroom!). My contractions were still 5 or more minutes apart, but they were requiring ALL of my concentration and I HAD to sit on the yoga/birth ball during them or ELSE! We took some last belly pictures before the baby made her arrival.
Around 10:00 pm, the birth team had finished setting up and the apprentice came in to take my vitals and check the baby's heart beat. All vitals were fine...but she could not find a fetal heart tone. The midwife came in and tried, to no avail. For 20 or 30 minutes they tried to find a heart tone.
Our midwife gave us several options and left Brent and I alone for several moments to decide what we wanted to do. The options were to transfer to the hospital, to meet Dr. Ed at his clinic and do an ultrasound, or stay home and have the baby.* Brent gave me a priesthood blessing, and all was calm. We knew there was no other option than to stay home...especially after my next contraction, which rocked my body and sent me into transition. I knew there was no time to go anywhere. And I think we all knew that the baby was already gone and there was nothing the hospital or Dr. Ed could do. Yet, all I could do was hold out hope to get me through the rest of labor.
About 10:30ish I got in the birth pool. I floated in the relieving comfort that the warm water brings. Two more contractions rocked my body and then I had to push. As I pushed the amniotic sac broke. After a couple of slow, restrained pushes (to prevent tearing) Elsa was born at 10:47 pm.
It was obvious to everyone that Elsa had been gone for a couple of days. I held her and soaked in every detail of her while the midwives waited for the placenta to come. Brent cut the cord and the midwives unclamped it to let the placenta bleed out...in hopes that would speed up the delivery of the placenta. No blood came out of the cord. The placenta was finally delivered whole another hour later. My midwife told me that it was 'thick and juicy'...absolutely healthy. The midwives discovered the problem in the cord...there was a hematoma which no blood could get past. There is no explanation for the hematoma. I had supreme health during my pregnancy. I never had any abdominal trauma.
Elsa was perfect.
8 lbs 4 oz, 21 inches long
The only explanation is that she wasn't meant for this earth. Her mission here was fulfilled through her death. As much as that leaves us aching, I know that is true. I know that we did nothing wrong...both physically and spiritually, to allow this to happen. My prenatal care and labor/delivery were exactly the same as Toby's and quite similar to Joshua's (both born at a hospital with a Certified Nurse Midwife), and exactly the same as they would have been with a doctor at a hospital...and possibly even more thorough.
I feel blessed that we were able to have a home birth. It was peaceful and private and compassionate. We got to hold her all night and the next day. We got to know our daughter so much more than we would have at a hospital. My delivery was so gentle, which has aided in an impossibly quick recovery...which allowed me to travel to Utah for the services and be physically well through all of it. I consider all of these things as 'tender mercies' from the Lord. We have had many, many experiences that have been 'tender mercies' from the Lord. We know He is aware of us and loves us.
Elsa's spirit is always with us. I can feel her all the time. SHE is getting us through this. This experience is opening up our awareness of a level of spirituality that we were not aware of before. Elsa is an amazingly compassionate person. She had a mission to fulfill, and she fulfilled it. She did not want to leave us. She is sad when I am sad. Her spirit has been around me constantly. She is bringing me comfort all the time and helping me to remember. She is grateful for her perfect body which we're now all waiting for her to be reunited with. I still feel like we need her in our family so much...but she IS still here with our family, opening up our awareness of a different level of spirituality. I know it will be ok, but my physical arms still ache to hold her. My spiritual arms embrace her constantly.
Thank you for crying with me and 'mourning with those who mourn.' I am touched deeply at every word and prayer that has been offered on our behalf. We can feel your love and support lifting us and comforting us.
Sweet baby. We're so happy to have you in our family. We're so sad to say goodbye already. We miss you incredibly. We can't wait to hold you again.
With love from your family.
Fun with litmus paper, dry ice and various kitchen sundries:
Little Scientists testing the pH
I've really got to hand it to Brent...he's doing really well and is helping me so much with meals and entertaining the boys. At the moment...I am not so good at doing those things.
I am really thankful for Brent.
I know that there is a lot that I need to blog about...we'll see how much of it I actually end up publishing...Elsa's services were lovely, there are many thank yous in order to so many people, then there's "the story". And amidst all of this Brent and I had a very sweet and private 10th anniversary road trip alone with our beloved daughter.
However I feel like the first blog entry, post-services needs to be addressed to my many dear friends and family who are currently expecting their own little ones. It is true: there are SO many people expecting babies this year! I am so happy for all of you. It is hard to describe how the thought of a newborn just makes my heart melt now. It was a lovely thing before this experience, but now it's just ethereal. And I know that if I was in your shoes that I would be going through a myriad of emotions...I would be very paranoid about my baby being alright, I would be wondering how to approach this friend who is mourning, I would be wondering why all of this happened and if it could have been prevented, etc. So I thought that I would let you know what had been found, in hope that it can bring you some level of peace...as I know it brings me some measure of peace.
Elsa's death was almost certainly caused by a hematoma in the umbilical cord. After looking at several medical studies, I have found the information that 1 in 5,000 babies are born with a hematoma in the cord. Out of all of these babies, about 40% die before they are born. The remaining 60% of the babies are born and the parents realize they are very lucky that their baby was somehow able to live despite the hematoma. In conclusion, the chances of this anomaly happening are quite small.
In addition to these statistics, out of every baby that has been born with a hematoma...only 2 hematomas have been found prenatally. That probably does not bring comfort...but it reminds us that truly that God is in charge. Despite all of our modern medical technology, and our ability to detect and cure many medical problems...sometimes there just are a few things that we have no control over. I have learned to trust that if my baby is the 40% of 1 in 5,000 to die from this...that it must be God's will. Especially considering that there were no physical signs of any problems with Elsa's body or the placenta. In fact, everything about my pregnancy (as usual for me) was the perfect model of health.
And now I just have to say a word to all of the mother's out there: please smell your baby's head for me. Please enjoy the warmth radiating from your baby's body. Please enjoy having your arms full, even when it's not convenient. Please cherish all of your night feedings and wakings. Please drink your baby in during those intimate moments. I will look at your babies over the years to gage how old my Elsa would have been and to see which developmental stage she would've been in...and I will look forward with a perfect brightness of hope for
the morning of the first resurrection.
(for more information about my spiritual beliefs take a look at
www.mormon.org.
Services for Elsa will be held in Salt Lake City on Friday the 21st at the Wasatch Lawn Memorial Park Funeral Home. A viewing will be held at 1:00 followed by a service at 3:00. Dinner for family and close friends will be served at my mom's house in Kaysville afterward. A memorial service is being planned in Oregon City for the following Saturday.
The lark is an Old World bird, symbolic merriment as the lark sang hymns at the gates of heaven; the lark was the bird that announced the coming of the day. Because of the bird's boundless energy, it is said the lark is also the symbol of hope, happiness, and of good fortune; creativity.
Elsa Meadowlark's spirit was too perfect for the lessons of mortality. We know that she will one day be ours again.
We drove down to Utah for a quick visit during my 35th week of pregnancy (after getting the go-ahead from my midwife and also lining up a backup midwife in Utah, just in case).
Draper Days
We hit the Draper Days parade with Grandma Jane:
lots of candy and business advertising there
Sam n' Ella's
We visited cousins Sam n' Ella's new Draper house:
Nice view of Lone Peak
I got to do some private shopping at Aunt Emily's ebay store and found some really cute baby clothes!
Uncle Jonny loading up his van to teach some paragliding lessons
Baby Party
We had a Baby Celebration with our old high school friends...a pool party/barbecue/baby shower for us and the Coverston-Wegners...and a chance to see the Johnson Family who were visiting from Pennsylvania!
Zach, Ryan, Derek and Brent...together again!
(Brent crouched...he's really not THAT much shorter!)
Malia and her sweet bebe
Group shot: too bad we never remember to take pictures until after half of the party leaves!
Here we've got Coverston-Wegner family, Malia and Oz, The Jefferies, The Johnsons and the Sadlers...sorry we missed the rest of you!
Fun girls! We miss you all so much!
Lesley, Emily, Malia, Katie and Hilary
Sushi
We met our Brighton/Alta hybrid group of high school friends again for sushi:
Family Time
We had dinners with my mom and her husband...and got to say goodbye to step-sister Mindi before she moved with her cute little family to Arizona. (Ug...forgot pictures).
Cousin Picnic & Hike
We had a cousin picnic and hike around Silver Lake up at Brighton. The cousins all had SO much fun! Can't go to Utah without going to Brighton (my mountain home)...
The cousins were all climbing on top of this rock, but I couldn't get a good picture, dangit! All of these Jefferies cousins were so busy it was hard to get any pictures with their faces toward the camera.
Joshua, Brianna, Tessa and Joseph watching the fishers
Luke and Thomas
These two cute little babies were both born after we moved away so they were like darling and familiar looking little strangers.
Joseph and Joshua
These guys had a great time playing together. At one point I overheard Joseph say to Joshua "hey Joshua are we best buddies?" and Joshua said "yes. We are best buddies forever!" Aw!
Toby and Hyrum
Ben, Brianna and Tessa
These guys found some fishing line and were rigging up a pole
Joshua and Joseph found a great cliff to climb on
Kate and Virginia
This dear sister-in-law is also pregnant with baby number 5 (and they're keeping the gender a surprise)!!
Uncle Jonny really knows how to herd the kiddos
Ben, Toby, Brianna
Oh...ooo...you could almost see all of the kids faces when I started taking this picture
back up on the wall
this was definitely a favorite place for the kids. Joshua wrote a journal entry about it and doesn't stop talking about it!
Toby up on top
Joshua, Tessa, Brianna
We're glad we went! I am glad that I wasn't feeling uncomfortable yet...if we would've waited one or two more weeks I would not have enjoyed it so much!
