The Wood Between the Worlds

Admittedly, I have felt guilty every day since Saturday (which was Elsa's 5 month day) because I have not posted an update.  I am a very busy mama this time of year, taking boys to lessons and on outings, helping with homework, solving mid-winter behavior problems, and whatnot.  Saturday was a very busy day in particular.  Brent was working, while I took the boys to the chiropractor (where we all got adjusted), to the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry (which I had promised to do if they were good at the chiropractor), and luckily after that we were not fried yet...so we did a much needed Costco run.  With two boys in tow (which I usually NEVER do).  And they were both great the whole time!

Now don't think for one second that we still don't have Elsa on our minds around here.  Because we do.  A lot.  But we're trying to be happy with that which we are currently blessed, and that is each other and the life that we share.  We had such a great time together on Saturday.  We played with the earthquake simulators, the water tables, did experiments in the chemistry lab, dabbled in paleontology and earth science, saw the animals, and we spent quite a lot of time in the life science exhibit room...looking at the babies.  They have an exhibit of real babies who were lost at various gestational ages...anywhere from 4 weeks to 35 weeks.  They have boys and girls...some are still in the uterus and some are not.  They are all beautiful and captivating and I am grateful to the parents who donated them so that we can see what these babies look like.  My boys were full of wonder; asking lots of questions; imagining Elsa at each of these gestational ages.  The babies are all amazing.  We have been here a lot in the past since we've had a membership for almost 3 years, but this is the first time we've looked at the babies since Elsa died.  And I must admit that I have never really looked at them so closely before.  At 10 weeks old for example, a baby (newly graduated from the embryo stage to the fetal stage) is a teeny tiny fully formed little baby, almost one inch long.  Amazing.

Anyway...as keeping up with my past tradition, here are some pictures of Toby around the age of 5 months:

Brent [and Toby] are always seeking adventure.  I had vetoed camping in the winter, but Brent pointed out the Oregon parks have heated yurts to camp in.  Wow!  Tent-like structures with beds, a heater, a table and chairs, a covered porch...as well as an outside firepit and picnic table.  I really like sleeping at home, but I also really like adventures with our family...so to Ft. Stevens State Park we went.

I keep going back and forth on how I feel about a new year.  I thought it would be hard to move forward from this difficult year and start a new year...without the baby girl that I thought I would have.  But I find myself just chomping at the bit...I'm ready!  So BRING IT ON!  Happy NEW YEAR!

I have one new year resolution this year:

I love getting Christmas Cards every year.
Christmas '08 I hung up this festive green ribbon and mod podged scrap book paper on clothes pins.  Now every year I plan on using YOUR cards as the decoration for my entry way.  Thank you.
I even leave it up through January or February becuase I love looking at your cards so much.  And I save them every year.  I just put them back in with my Christmas stuff each year so the next year I can look at them again before more cards start coming in.  I know in a few years, I'm going to have to get a seperate bin just for cards...either that or start getting rid of some of them. 

I get excited every year to make my cards and send them out too.  This year was no exception.  I excitedly designed, oredered and sent out about half of my cards...
...but then after I sent out half of my cards, I lost my motivation.  I suddenly realized that maybe everyone else wouldn't love my card as much as I do this year.  So if you didn't end up getting one, that's why.  If you still want me to send you one I have the cards, the envelopes, the address labels and the stamps...just let me know.  Or if you'd rather, you can just come to look at it here on the blog.

The boys absolutely LOVE spending time with their grandmas (both of them)...and also grandmpas, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Sometimes they really resent that we live so far away from most of them.

Anyway, they always have an absolutely spectacular time when they have grandma time!
...and they are always sad when the time comes to an end.  And they continue to ask 'when are we going to Utah??'  And Toby always insists that we are going TOMORROW!

We had another thrill when grandma was here.  We had our first snow storm (as written below in our Tillamook Head post)!  This is another occurance that they boys always long for...playing in the snow.  They were in fact quite heartbroken when there was a sled under our tree on Christmas morning but no snow...:*(  So they were thrilled when just a few days later: SNOW DAY!

Hi.  I haven't written much about Elsa lately.  I feel that I have so much to catch up on with just "the life" blog posts, that my feelings can wait...but I've been reading other angel mama blogs tonight and I went back and re-read Elsa's story and tonight I'm just feeling it...and I WANT to feel it.

First of all, I have to give a shout out to all of the incredible angel mamas out there and your sweet angel babies.  Thanks for telling it like it is, good or bad.  It is incredibily important for others who follow to not feel isolated and alone.  And reading all of your experiences has been incredibly insightful.  I have only introduced myself to a few of you, but if your blog is linked from Alexis' and/or Preslie's blogs then I have taken a peek or two at your blog.  I apologize for not introducing myself properly.  But thanks again for your real experiences.  You are all an incredible force for good, and I wish that I could meet every one of you in person.

I am at a point in my healing progression where I am fine.  I still think of Elsa all the time.  I still have the nursery up and I like to sit in there and think about her.  I feel her spirit close, but the lack of her physical body leaves a pretty big hole in my heart.  But I am fine.  I am enjoying life here.  I am grateful to be alive.  I LOVE the rest of my family and we are enjoying some great times.  Lately I have felt conflicted between these two feelings...being fine and having a hole in my heart.  How can I feel both ways at the same time?  How can life go on without Elsa here and I be happy?  Well, I am happy.  And sad.  And that's the way it's going to be for the rest of my life, I'm sure.

I've been reflecting a lot about my time with Elsa.  As I've gone back and re-read the blog entries from when she died, I've realized that there are a lot of feelings that I had left out.  Mostly because I only identified them in hindsight.

For one thing, when I was pregnant with Elsa I never felt that she was going to be a part of our life here.  I was hesitent any time I bought something for her.  At the time I thought that it was because the ultrasound was wrong and it was going to be another boy.  But looking back I realize the only thing I bought for her was her blessing dress.  Nothing else was meant for her.  Nothing else is hers.  Unlike my other pregnancies, I never felt the 'nesting' sensation.  It took all the strength of my rational mind to get her nursery together.  Once again, I blamed that on other things...the heatwave was the biggest culprit there.

 Here's the thing though, when THAT moment came where there was no heartbeat...I knew.  I JUST KNEW.  I knew it was the plan.  It was like a blanket of confoundment was lifted off my brain, and there I was, consoling the birth team.  Looking back, I know that was the holy ghost surrounding me with a blanket of peace and understanding.  I am very aware of the fact that Elsa was there, watching me birth her body perfectly into the world.  I did just the job that I needed to do.  All of the experiences I had up to that point prepared me for what was to come, even though I didn't know it at the time.  So life goes on...  But the hole is still there.  And I am fine with it being a permanent part of me.