The Wood Between the Worlds

I've been trying to get more practice with my dslr camera...practice, practice, practice!  I think I've finally figured out how to adjust the aperture and iso.  Next I need to experiment with shutter speeds.  But what a great time to be able to experiment with a new camera ... a time with a new baby!

The first two sets of pictures are not taken with the dslr:

We had a lovely little fourth...a quiet day, with a two-day-old baby.  My sisters brought a picnic dinner over to eat together in our backyard, we did sparklers and other small firecrackers in our front yard, and we gathered up the courage to trek over to the big park for the large firework display.  It was a little grueling with a two-day postpartum mama...but it was SO worth it to watch little Oliver enjoy the fireworks.  "Wow!  Big lights in the sky!"

Milo's birth story starts at the end of Oliver's birth story.

Because Oliver's birth was so fast and furious {I believe I used the words "like a train plowing through me"}, I developed an irrational fear of birth which lasted throughout Milo's pregnancy.  Not that birth isn't something to be feared or better yet, respected...because it is a powerful event in the continuum of a woman's life.  But I say irrational because I had already given birth without an epidural 4 times before this, and obviously knew I could do it again.  I just really didn't want to.  I also had this idea that because my last two babies came around 38 weeks, that this baby would also *most likely* come early.

I have this app on my ipod called "Contraction Timer".  It is thanks to this app that I can look back and accurately recall how many times I *thought* I might be going into labor with this baby (and these are just the contractions that hung around long enough for me to dare to start recording them).  Here is a brief timeline:
June 9- (37 weeks) we moved...MAJOR.
June 13- several hours of strong contractions in the morning, fizzed out before I got out of bed.  
June 19- (38 weeks) contractions in the middle of the night.
June 20 (the day before Toby's birthday...it turns out he did NOT want this baby to come on his birthday) - we finished cleaning our old house, and drove across town to turn in the keys.  I thought for sure that once we got past this deadline that I would go right into labor.  Before we even left I was having contractions that felt like early labor, so I packed all my stuff for the birth center just in case.  We turned in the keys, and decided to go out to dinner for Toby's birthday at the Old Spaghetti Factory.  In the car I was working with some serious contractions.  We got stuck in rush hour traffic, but were very close to one of the birth centers (not the one I was planning on birthing at...but plans could easily change).  We got to the restaurant with the hope that my labor would pick up strong after dinner, and we could just drive straight to the birth center and put the kids to bed in the next room while I gave birth.  Well by the time dinner was over, so were the contractions...
 
Did I mention that I was scared?  By this point I was definitely ready for it to happen, but I had not done any preparation for this birth.  Normally I prepare by reading some good birth stories from one of Ina May Gaskin's famous books.  But when I thought about reading birth stories, it reminded me how scared I was that it was going to be too intense again.  Finally, I started into my copy of Spiritual Midwifery, and it did not disappoint.  I remembered that I needed to find a way to relax.  My contractions only come on hard when I'm resting and nice and relaxed.  All the strenuous work I had been and was continuing to do were making me too uptight.  I had Brent give me a blessing, which was beautiful and reassuring.  I downloaded a free hypnobabies relaxation mp3.  All of these things helped.  But most of all I prayed.  I prayed that I would be brave.  I prayed that this labor would be nice and easy and not so intense (like my dream, right?).  I envisioned it.  

June 26-  (39 weeks, and Brent's last of 5 available days to be there) Contractions all afternoon and evening, til they died out.  I felt like I was trying to force labor to happen on a day that Brent was home so I wouldn't end up stuck in hard labor by myself at home.  I was not quite sure how the logistics of this birth were going to work out.  The plan was, if Brent was home and it was during the day, we would meet my midwife at the birth center.  If Brent was gone at work and my labor wasn't too hard yet, I was going to try to drive myself and the kids to the birth center and call my sister to come sit with the kids (or pick them up if it was taking longer than expected).  The only problem with that plan is that once I know for sure I'm in labor, my contractions would be hard...probably too hard to drive.  But if I couldn't drive myself, or it was night and the kids were already in bed, we were planning on having the baby at home.  I really did NOT want to have the baby at home this time.  I didn't feel like I had a good space to set up the birth tub.  Then my sister called and told me she was sick.  Dang!  There went that plan.  Then Brent told me that the hose adapter for our bathroom faucet (to fill the birth tub) was not the same size as the faucet in our new house.  Dang again!  So Brent and I had a regrouping session.  We decided that we would go to the birth center no matter what.  And since I didn't feel like we had time to call someone to come sit with our kids, we were going to take them with us...day or night.

July 1- (40 weeks, and the first time I made it to my due date since my first baby)  It was Sunday and the night before we were hanging out with our friends down on C'est Naturelle Farm talking about essential oils and tasting some of their pastured pork.  My friend Vernie came over to give me a massage.  She claimed that her record of putting pregnant women into labor was 2 for 2.  It was the most relaxed I've probably been during my whole pregnancy.  I went home that night and went to bed, only to wake up to contractions at 4 am.  I continued to have contractions until 7, when I got up to make breakfast for the family and get ready for church.  I can tell that labor is going to stick if I switch activities and the contractions keep coming.  They unfortunately did NOT.  I threw myself on my bed in frustration, wondering if this was ever going to happen...trying NOT to imagine how big my baby must be getting by now (the bigger the baby, the more painful the birth right?).  So we went to church (where I got lots of comments about still not having the baby, sigh!), came home, hang out, nothing happened...so we put the kids to bed and Brent goes to bed, but I'm having contractions again.  And every time my contractions started up at night in the past couple of weeks, I just went to sleep.  I was too tired from all the moving, cleaning and unpacking to have a baby each of those nights.  Plus I didn't want to have the baby at home.  But I finally realized that if I wanted to have this baby, it was going to have to be at night.  So I decided to stay awake and work with the contractions.

At midnight on July 2, I was lying in bed checking pinterest and facebook on my ipod.  My contractions were getting harder, but they were still 20 minutes apart.  Still, I have learned that my contractions aren't always close together.  I remember with Elsa's labor they stayed 10 minutes apart the whole time.  And that the intensity of the contractions is more telling than the time between them.  I was not scared of this part of labor.  I actually enjoy working with the contractions...getting to a state of tranquility, deep breathing and total relaxation.  I was scared of getting to the part where you have to push that baby out.  Anyway, at 12:40 I had a very intense contraction that lasted for two and a half minutes.  It left me shaking.  But I did NOT want to wake everyone up and call my midwife at this hour if this was going to stop again.  On the other hand, I did not want to have a baby at home with no midwife!  So I decided that I would wait and see if my next contraction was that hard or even harder, I would wake everyone up and we would go.  So at 1 am, I had a contraction that fell under the category of "even harder".  I woke Brent up and told him we better go.  I called my midwife, who was still awake doing payroll (ha!).  I messaged my friend Tara, who was planning to come and do pictures again...but I just didn't have the heart to call her and wake her up!  She was due with her baby #5 too, and had been having weeks of on again, off again contractions just like me...and could be going into labor any time!  We were hoping that I'd have my baby during the day again so she wouldn't have to loose any sleep...but as it was she would've lost the whole night of sleep (and she ended up having her baby the next day, so I'm glad I didn't call her).  Brent grabbed all the kids out of bed and put them in the car, while I rounded up all the rest of the stuff I wanted to bring to the birth center.

We got to the birth center at about 1:30 am.  I had 1-2 contractions in the car (which I was dreading...I can't relax as well with all the jerking and bumping...another reason why I chose home birth with my others), but these contractions weren't as hard.  The apprentice (Bernadette) got there about 5 minutes after us, and my midwife (Jennifer) got there shortly thereafter.  And surprise!  My other midwife (Jesica) arrived right after Jennifer.  I didn't think Jesica was going to make it to this birth since she had the month of June off (and I was SURE I was going to have the baby in June, haha!).

We took the kids upstairs and plopped them in the bed in the room next to the room I was planning on giving birth in.  The whole transporting of the kids was a lot smoother and easier than I thought it was going to be.  However, by this time, they were wired, excited and were NOT going back to sleep!  Especially Ollie, who is used sleeping in a crib.  Thankfully, they stayed in the dark room and were relatively quiet.

Jennifer went in to my birth room and filled up the tub...I eyed it suspiciously, still not sure if I was ready to get in and push.  After getting in the tub with my last three births, that's where things got intense!  So I wandered around the room, talking to my midwives who by now are old friends.  I tried laying down on the bed between contractions, but that was pretty uncomfortable.








  

Before I can write Milo's birth story, or even explain the meaning of his name...I feel like there is a lot more of the story which needs to be recorded.  I had a lot more processing to do once again.  I struggle in knowing how much of it I should make public...I do not want anyone to misinterpret my story.  But because I have often felt so alone on my path, I feel like I should share some of the struggles and triumphs I've had...in hopes that maybe it will help at least one other person out there.

After loosing Elsa, part of the reassurance I felt from the Lord was that I would be able to have another daughter.  I felt for sure He would give me that daughter right away, so I was surprised when my next baby was Ollie.  It took me a long time to get over the fact that he wasn't a girl, which is such a conflicting emotion to have when you're about to have a miraculous new baby.  Actually, it took me until Ollie was about 9 months old to stop feeling so sad that he wasn't another girl.  But then a miraculous thing happened...I grew to love Oliver SO much that I knew I would never want a girl instead of him.  People told me that would happen, but I didn't believe them.  Life was so unfair, and I was cheated.  As much as I tried not to feel that way, I did.  But Ollie wiggled his cute little smile and personality into my heart, and then I realized it was ok.  More than ok.  Time with him has gone so quickly, and he has grown up to be a little boy before I could even blink.


The next event occurred last September, when I had a dream...several dreams actually.  My first dream was so real and vivid that when I woke up, it lingered.  I couldn't stop thinking about it and the sweet, peaceful feeling accompanied the dream.  The dream took place at my midwives' office (the birth center).  I was there for a routine prenatal exam and when I was giving a urine sample, I felt a strong urge to push...so I did.  After the easiest labor ever...I caught a long, slender baby all by myself in the bathroom.  When the baby came out, I was amazed...but I remembered to check to see which gender the baby was...and it was a girl!  I was lifted up in sublime rapture...and that was the feeling that lingered with me throughout the rest of the day (and the feeling still continues).  In the space of the next two weeks I had several more dreams about having a girl.  I started to pray about it, and felt like maybe we should considered having another baby sooner than we thought we were going to.  Then at October General Conference, Brent had an impression that he needed to get prepared to raise a daughter.  We thought for sure we were going to have a baby girl, and shortly thereafter found out we were pregnant.  


I spent the first half of my pregnancy feeling pretty sure that God was finally going to send us another daughter.  Then before my ultrasound, I had a distinct impression that my children were not for me.  They were not my possessions to dress up and parade around.  Instead they are the children that God needs me to raise.  He has a calling for me, and it is to take care of the spirits that He needs to send to me right now.  And that He loves me very much, even if He does not answer my prayers how or when I want Him to.  I started to have the feeling that our baby might not be a girl...and realized that I needed to prepare myself for the possibility that we might have another boy.  I knew from my experience with Oliver that another boy could be and would be amazing...but I didn't want to spend the rest of my pregnancy disappointed like I did with Oliver's pregnancy, so we decided not to find out the gender.  


When we went to have the ultrasound, all I had to do was look at my baby's face and I knew it was a boy.  So I spent the rest of my pregnancy 90% sure that the baby was a boy.  However, I still couldn't shake the profound dream that I had before I got pregnant...so I couldn't 100% convince myself it was a boy.  Most of the time I was completely fine with the baby being another boy.  But I had my moments of wondering why God would do this to me and how the circumstances of my life could be so unfair (especially compared to other's around me who had a baby girl who didn't die).  


There was a time where I searched for someone who I could relate with...someone who would understand what I was going through.  I have several friends who only have boys, who can understand the disappointment in not having a girl; and I have several friends who have lost a baby.  But I do not know ANYONE who has all of one gender and the baby they lost was the opposite gender.  I was feeling so alone.  It just seemed like God did not do that to anyone, because it was too much!  I came to the realization that whichever gender my baby was going to be, it was going to be difficult sometimes...because I lost my baby girl, and I'm going to be feeling that for the rest of my life.  I was able to then realize that I have two separate issues going on...I lost a baby, AND I really want a girl.  It was in a moment of inspiration that I remembered one of my roommates from collage.  Her parent's story was influential.  They were a young couple, living in Finland when they had their first baby...a boy.  Next they had a girl (my roommate), and their 2 year old son died of cancer.  This event would shape the rest of their lives.  When they met the missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormon church) (my church), they normally would not have been interested in the church.  But they were told that through the ordinances administered in the church, families are sealed together forever.  They could have the chance to raise their precious son again...and they were converted.  My roommate's father became a cancer researcher at a prominent Ivy League University in the United States.  They went on to have 3 more daughters (4 including my roommate) before they finally had another son.  I can imagine how they must have yearned for another son.  Anyway, it is a blessing to have known this particular roommate...because for one thing, she was an amazing friend and very interesting to get to know her and her family's story...but I never could have guessed that so many years later, her families story would come to my mind and help me know that I am not the only one this has happened to.  


Still there were (and still will be, I'm sure) days where I wish I could have my daughter and be done having kids.  More and more of my friends are saying they are done having kids...many of them have two boys and one girl.  There are days where I am so tired and can't possibly imagine adding any more kids to the mix, although I still feel that daughter is coming...but then I wake up the next morning and everything is better, and I realized that those crazy days are fewer and farther between.  But on one of those particularly tumultuous day, I was searching for an answer, and on a whim decided to type my question into google.  It was for sure an answer to my prayer that the google search engine came back with this article by Elder Richard G. Scott (who seems to be having lots of articles I can relate to lately). It is all about how we need to trust in the Lord through our adversities, and trust that they will be for our good.  That was a turning point for me, in which I decided that I was going to be happy with whatever gender the Lord sends to us.  That I can trust in Him that there is a great purpose for my willingness and ability to be pregnant and grow bodies for His spirit children (whether they use them now or later)...and there is also a great purpose in the tests and trials that I have had, will continue to have, and in which I have already seen great blessings as a result of in this life.


So it came to very little surprise to me when this baby came out, and he was a boy!  But the one thing that has changed during this pregnancy is my perspective and my desire to do the Lord's will...and my attitude that I can choose to be happy with what I have been given.  And for certain, my soul has been filled with complete gratitude and joy.  And I know I will be ok...even if I never end up with another girl in this life (although I would still really like one!).  I know I could be a really great mama to girls or boys...so I'm just going to go ahead and trust that the Lord knows how best to utilize my life.  But I'm still going to allow myself to grieve for my daughter whenever I feel I need to...because grief is a result of love.  And I am definitely filled with love.                

I had so much fun recording this pregnancy on instagram, with my crappy ipod camera.  But at least it got recorded.  There's so much I could share about this pregnancy.  It really was a special time for all of us.  There were so many spiritual experiences...but I've become such a lazy blogger that I always say I'll write more later.  But seeing as though this blog is really our family journal...I really better get around to writing more!

Let me just say that the whole pregnancy was a blessing.  We felt very strongly that we were supposed to add another baby to our family at this time.  The pregnancy went very fast...except for the last 2-3 weeks, which always take forever!  Baby and I were both completely healthy throughout the pregnancy, just like all our other babies.  The birth was wonderful, and was an answer to prayers...I can't wait to sit down when it's quiet and write out the birth story!