Before I can write Milo's birth story, or even explain the meaning of his name...I feel like there is a lot more of the story which needs to be recorded.  I had a lot more processing to do once again.  I struggle in knowing how much of it I should make public...I do not want anyone to misinterpret my story.  But because I have often felt so alone on my path, I feel like I should share some of the struggles and triumphs I've had...in hopes that maybe it will help at least one other person out there.

After loosing Elsa, part of the reassurance I felt from the Lord was that I would be able to have another daughter.  I felt for sure He would give me that daughter right away, so I was surprised when my next baby was Ollie.  It took me a long time to get over the fact that he wasn't a girl, which is such a conflicting emotion to have when you're about to have a miraculous new baby.  Actually, it took me until Ollie was about 9 months old to stop feeling so sad that he wasn't another girl.  But then a miraculous thing happened...I grew to love Oliver SO much that I knew I would never want a girl instead of him.  People told me that would happen, but I didn't believe them.  Life was so unfair, and I was cheated.  As much as I tried not to feel that way, I did.  But Ollie wiggled his cute little smile and personality into my heart, and then I realized it was ok.  More than ok.  Time with him has gone so quickly, and he has grown up to be a little boy before I could even blink.


The next event occurred last September, when I had a dream...several dreams actually.  My first dream was so real and vivid that when I woke up, it lingered.  I couldn't stop thinking about it and the sweet, peaceful feeling accompanied the dream.  The dream took place at my midwives' office (the birth center).  I was there for a routine prenatal exam and when I was giving a urine sample, I felt a strong urge to push...so I did.  After the easiest labor ever...I caught a long, slender baby all by myself in the bathroom.  When the baby came out, I was amazed...but I remembered to check to see which gender the baby was...and it was a girl!  I was lifted up in sublime rapture...and that was the feeling that lingered with me throughout the rest of the day (and the feeling still continues).  In the space of the next two weeks I had several more dreams about having a girl.  I started to pray about it, and felt like maybe we should considered having another baby sooner than we thought we were going to.  Then at October General Conference, Brent had an impression that he needed to get prepared to raise a daughter.  We thought for sure we were going to have a baby girl, and shortly thereafter found out we were pregnant.  


I spent the first half of my pregnancy feeling pretty sure that God was finally going to send us another daughter.  Then before my ultrasound, I had a distinct impression that my children were not for me.  They were not my possessions to dress up and parade around.  Instead they are the children that God needs me to raise.  He has a calling for me, and it is to take care of the spirits that He needs to send to me right now.  And that He loves me very much, even if He does not answer my prayers how or when I want Him to.  I started to have the feeling that our baby might not be a girl...and realized that I needed to prepare myself for the possibility that we might have another boy.  I knew from my experience with Oliver that another boy could be and would be amazing...but I didn't want to spend the rest of my pregnancy disappointed like I did with Oliver's pregnancy, so we decided not to find out the gender.  


When we went to have the ultrasound, all I had to do was look at my baby's face and I knew it was a boy.  So I spent the rest of my pregnancy 90% sure that the baby was a boy.  However, I still couldn't shake the profound dream that I had before I got pregnant...so I couldn't 100% convince myself it was a boy.  Most of the time I was completely fine with the baby being another boy.  But I had my moments of wondering why God would do this to me and how the circumstances of my life could be so unfair (especially compared to other's around me who had a baby girl who didn't die).  


There was a time where I searched for someone who I could relate with...someone who would understand what I was going through.  I have several friends who only have boys, who can understand the disappointment in not having a girl; and I have several friends who have lost a baby.  But I do not know ANYONE who has all of one gender and the baby they lost was the opposite gender.  I was feeling so alone.  It just seemed like God did not do that to anyone, because it was too much!  I came to the realization that whichever gender my baby was going to be, it was going to be difficult sometimes...because I lost my baby girl, and I'm going to be feeling that for the rest of my life.  I was able to then realize that I have two separate issues going on...I lost a baby, AND I really want a girl.  It was in a moment of inspiration that I remembered one of my roommates from collage.  Her parent's story was influential.  They were a young couple, living in Finland when they had their first baby...a boy.  Next they had a girl (my roommate), and their 2 year old son died of cancer.  This event would shape the rest of their lives.  When they met the missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormon church) (my church), they normally would not have been interested in the church.  But they were told that through the ordinances administered in the church, families are sealed together forever.  They could have the chance to raise their precious son again...and they were converted.  My roommate's father became a cancer researcher at a prominent Ivy League University in the United States.  They went on to have 3 more daughters (4 including my roommate) before they finally had another son.  I can imagine how they must have yearned for another son.  Anyway, it is a blessing to have known this particular roommate...because for one thing, she was an amazing friend and very interesting to get to know her and her family's story...but I never could have guessed that so many years later, her families story would come to my mind and help me know that I am not the only one this has happened to.  


Still there were (and still will be, I'm sure) days where I wish I could have my daughter and be done having kids.  More and more of my friends are saying they are done having kids...many of them have two boys and one girl.  There are days where I am so tired and can't possibly imagine adding any more kids to the mix, although I still feel that daughter is coming...but then I wake up the next morning and everything is better, and I realized that those crazy days are fewer and farther between.  But on one of those particularly tumultuous day, I was searching for an answer, and on a whim decided to type my question into google.  It was for sure an answer to my prayer that the google search engine came back with this article by Elder Richard G. Scott (who seems to be having lots of articles I can relate to lately). It is all about how we need to trust in the Lord through our adversities, and trust that they will be for our good.  That was a turning point for me, in which I decided that I was going to be happy with whatever gender the Lord sends to us.  That I can trust in Him that there is a great purpose for my willingness and ability to be pregnant and grow bodies for His spirit children (whether they use them now or later)...and there is also a great purpose in the tests and trials that I have had, will continue to have, and in which I have already seen great blessings as a result of in this life.


So it came to very little surprise to me when this baby came out, and he was a boy!  But the one thing that has changed during this pregnancy is my perspective and my desire to do the Lord's will...and my attitude that I can choose to be happy with what I have been given.  And for certain, my soul has been filled with complete gratitude and joy.  And I know I will be ok...even if I never end up with another girl in this life (although I would still really like one!).  I know I could be a really great mama to girls or boys...so I'm just going to go ahead and trust that the Lord knows how best to utilize my life.  But I'm still going to allow myself to grieve for my daughter whenever I feel I need to...because grief is a result of love.  And I am definitely filled with love.                

I had so much fun recording this pregnancy on instagram, with my crappy ipod camera.  But at least it got recorded.  There's so much I could share about this pregnancy.  It really was a special time for all of us.  There were so many spiritual experiences...but I've become such a lazy blogger that I always say I'll write more later.  But seeing as though this blog is really our family journal...I really better get around to writing more!

Let me just say that the whole pregnancy was a blessing.  We felt very strongly that we were supposed to add another baby to our family at this time.  The pregnancy went very fast...except for the last 2-3 weeks, which always take forever!  Baby and I were both completely healthy throughout the pregnancy, just like all our other babies.  The birth was wonderful, and was an answer to prayers...I can't wait to sit down when it's quiet and write out the birth story!

The first thing you're going to notice is that baby #5 is indeed another boy!  Yay boys!!!  I'm very happy about this since I was wanting a little brother buddy for Oliver.  The other thing you'll notice is that he is a HUGE baby.  I guess that's what I get for marrying into the huge baby gene pool...as my husband was 12.5 pounds when he was born.  Milo is actually a very long and skinny baby...really!  He looks like a stretched out 8 pound baby.  My midwife's apprentice called him a noodle.  And it doesn't really matter the size anyway, since it was my easiest birth yet.  When we weighed him I was utterly shocked at how much he weighed!!  It thought for sure he was going to be 8-9 pounds, just judging by how easy and smooth the birth went.

I will write up the birth story later...but I will say now that it was a beautiful birth at the Andaluz Waterbirth Center in Tualatin, Oregon.  I had my same midwives there who were at Elsa's and Oliver's home births (Jennifer and Jesica), as well as one fabulous apprentice Bernadette.  I don't know why I ever chose to have a home birth over going into the birth center!  It was so lovely to have a baby there.

SO HAPPY that Milo is here!!  He is a very mellow baby.  I don't think I heard him cry at all until he was 3 or 4 days old.  He sleeps very well, and has slept for 2 - 5 hour stretches each night, leaving me a very well rested new mama!  Everyone in our family is smitten with him...though Toby wishes that we would've named him Simon instead of Milo.

It's been ages since I've been able to catch up on here, and for good reason.  
With great insanity (though we thought we had good reasons), we decided to move {again} a few weeks ago...when I was 37 weeks pregnant.  We're just getting settled in, and trying to persuade our new baby to come and join us.  Hopefully that'll happen any day now!  In the meantime, our computer isn't working so great...so it doesn't look like I'll be able to catch up on the blog soon.  We're all just trying to enjoy summer vacation...and I'm trying to savor my last few days of this pregnancy.

4.4.12

Surprisingly, I'm not sure where what the official name of this hike is.  It is somewhere up past Sandy, Oregon...on the way to Mt. Hood.  It is a river trail that follows the bank of the river for several miles and you can go as far (or not) as you want.  I'll have to ask Brent when he comes home.  So we set out on this very rainy day with no particular destination in mind, and hiked for about 2 miles along this wet, muddy trail.

Chronology
12/1/11

If anyone asks:
"What do you do?"
Simply reply:
I live for a living.

Data comes through
In coherent waves.
Dots become words.
Words form a phrase.

It's a miracle.

Out in the open
With nothing.
Now it's easier
To live for a living.

4.3.12

How is it that we've lived in the Portland area for almost 5 years and still haven't been to every botanical garden or park in the area?  Well we had another day or two off for spring break (since we had over two weeks total!), so we had the chance to fit in a couple of new adventures.  They were cold and rainy adventures...but adventures, nonetheless.

I DO really like the way they captured my jaw-line.

Yep, Brent got caught by a photo-cop, going 41 in a 30 mile per hour zone.  We had heard of these photo cops in the Portland area, and after 5 years of living here we got caught.  Poor Brent.  It was kind of a crazy speed trap...the speed limit had been 45 mph on this busy highway...but for two blocks was dropped to 30.  And seeing that we are often engrossed in cerebrally stimulating conversatiuon as we drive, neither of us noticed the reduced speed until too late.  So here we go!  Our lovely $200 family portrait.  Oh well!  Live and learn.

3.31.12
Spring General Conference
Twice ever year we get to stay home from church on Sunday!  Yippee!!  It's so much fun.  Oh, and we stay home all day Saturday, the day before.  Why would we do such a thing?  We spend 8 hours total watching the leaders of our church speak!  And though I admit, I was bored out of my mind as a kid...as an adult, it is the BEST, most uplifting, energizing, direction-giving 8 hours I spend within the 6 month time frame.  Especially since Elsa died, it seems there are always reports given just for me...to comfort me and answer my questions.  It reassures me without a doubt that Heavenly Father is aware of me, and that the Apostles and leaders giving the talks do receive direct revelation from God...otherwise, how would they know exactly what I needed to hear?





The rolls were delicious, but the manna comes in the form of the words I got to sit and listen to all day.  I could go on and on about several of the talks and why they were so important to me, but I'll take the time to share my absolute favorite (this talk felt like it was addressed specifically to me because of how specifically it answered some questions I've had, and how it talks about our relationships with our beloved family members who have gone to the great beyond):
(Is it ok to cut and paste this?  Someone please tell me if it's not!)

How to Obtain Revelation and Inspiration for Your Personal Life

BY ELDER RICHARD G. SCOTT

Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Anyone who stands at this pulpit to deliver a message feels the strength and support of members throughout the world. I’m grateful that that same support can come from a beloved companion on the other side of the veil. Thank you, Jeanene.

The Holy Ghost communicates important information that we need to guide us in our mortal journey. When it is crisp and clear and essential, it warrants the title of revelation. When it is a series of promptings we often have to guide us step by step to a worthy objective, for the purpose of this message, it is inspiration.

An example of revelation would be the direction that President Spencer W. Kimball received after his long and continued supplication to the Lord regarding providing the priesthood to all worthy men in the Church when at the time it was available to only some of them.

Another example of revelation is this guidance given to President Joseph F. Smith: “I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves.”¹

Relationships can be strengthened through the veil with people we know and love. That is done by our determined effort to continually do what is right. We can strengthen our relationship with the departed individual we love by recognizing that the separation is temporary and that covenants made in the temple are eternal. When consistently obeyed, such covenants assure the eternal realization of the promises inherent in them.

A very clear case of revelation in my life occurred when I was strongly prompted by the Spirit to ask Jeanene Watkins to be sealed to me in the temple.

One of the great lessons that each of us needs to learn is to ask. Why does the Lord want us to pray to Him and to ask? Because that is how revelation is received.

When I am faced with a very difficult matter, this is how I try to understand what to do. I fast. I pray to find and understand scriptures that will be helpful. That process is cyclical. I start reading a passage of scripture; I ponder what the verse means and pray for inspiration. I then ponder and pray to know if I have captured all the Lord wants me to do. Often more impressions come with increased understanding of doctrine. I have found that pattern to be a good way to learn from the scriptures.

There are some practical principles that enhance revelation. First, yielding to emotions such as anger or hurt or defensiveness will drive away the Holy Ghost. Those emotions must be eliminated, or our chance for receiving revelation is slight.

Another principle is to be cautious with humor. Loud, inappropriate laughter will offend the Spirit. A good sense of humor helps revelation; loud laughter does not. A sense of humor is an escape valve for the pressures of life.

Another enemy to revelation comes from exaggeration or loudness in what is stated. Careful, quiet speech will favor the receipt of revelation.

On the other hand, spiritual communication can be enhanced by good health practices. Exercise, reasonable amounts of sleep, and good eating habits increase our capacity to receive and understand revelation. We will live for our appointed life span. However, we can improve both the quality of our service and our well-being by making careful, appropriate choices.

It is important that our daily activities do not distract us from listening to the Spirit.

Revelation can also be given in a dream when there is an almost imperceptible transition from sleep to wakefulness. If you strive to capture the content immediately, you can record great detail, but otherwise it fades rapidly. Inspired communication in the night is generally accompanied by a sacred feeling for the entire experience. The Lord uses individuals for whom we have great respect to teach us truths in a dream because we trust them and will listen to their counsel. It is the Lord doing the teaching through the Holy Ghost. However, He may in a dream make it both easier to understand and more likely to touch our hearts by teaching us through someone we love and respect.

When it is for the Lord’s purposes, He can bring anything to our remembrance. That should not weaken our determination to record impressions of the Spirit. Inspiration carefully recorded shows God that His communications are sacred to us. Recording will also enhance our ability to recall revelation. Such recording of direction of the Spirit should be protected from loss or intrusion by others.

The scriptures give eloquent confirmation of how truth, consistently lived, opens the door to inspiration to know what to do and, where needed, to have personal capacities enhanced by divine power. The scriptures depict how an individual’s capacity to conquer difficulty, doubt, and seemingly insurmountable challenges is strengthened by the Lord in time of need. As you ponder such examples, there will come a quiet confirmation through the Holy Spirit that their experiences are true. You will come to know that similar help is available to you.

I have seen individuals encountering challenges who knew what to do when it was beyond their own experience because they trusted in the Lord and knew that He would guide them to solutions that were urgently required.

The Lord has declared: “And ye are to be taught from on high. Sanctify yourselves and ye shall be endowed with power, that ye may give even as I have spoken.”² The words sanctify yourselves may appear puzzling. President Harold B. Lee once explained that you can replace those words with the phrase “keep my commandments.” Read that way, the counsel may seem clearer.³

One must be ever mentally and physically clean and have purity of intent so that the Lord can inspire. One who is obedient to His commandments is trusted of the Lord. That individual has access to His inspiration to know what to do and, as needed, the divine power to do it.

For spirituality to grow stronger and more available, it must be planted in a righteous environment. Haughtiness, pride, and conceit are like stony ground that will never produce spiritual fruit.

Humility is a fertile soil where spirituality grows and produces the fruit of inspiration to know what to do. It gives access to divine power to accomplish what must be done. An individual motivated by a desire for praise or recognition will not qualify to be taught by the Spirit. An individual who is arrogant or who lets his or her emotions influence decisions will not be powerfully led by the Spirit.

When we are acting as instruments in behalf of others, we are more easily inspired than when we think only of ourselves. In the process of helping others, the Lord can piggyback directions for our own benefit.

Our Heavenly Father did not put us on earth to fail but to succeed gloriously. It may seem paradoxical, but that is why recognizing answers to prayer can sometimes be very difficult. Sometimes we unwisely try to face life by depending on our own experience and capacity. It is much wiser for us to seek through prayer and divine inspiration to know what to do. Our obedience assures that when required, we can qualify for divine power to accomplish an inspired objective.

Like many of us, Oliver Cowdery did not recognize the evidence of answers to prayers already given by the Lord. To open his and our eyes, this revelation was given through Joseph Smith:

“Blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.

“Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth.”⁴

If you feel that God has not answered your prayers, ponder these scriptures—then carefully look for evidence in your own life that He may have already answered you.

Two indicators that a feeling or prompting comes from God are that it produces peace in your heart and a quiet, warm feeling. As you follow the principles I have discussed, you will be prepared to recognize revelation at critical times in your own life.

The more closely you follow divine guidance, the greater will be your happiness here and for eternity—moreover, the more abundant your progress and capacity to serve. I do not understand fully how it is done, but that guidance in your life does not take away your agency. You can make the decisions you choose to make. But remember, the disposition to do right brings peace of mind and happiness.

Should choices be wrong, they can be rectified through repentance. When its conditions are fully met, the Atonement of Jesus Christ, our Savior, provides a release from the demands of justice for the errors made. It is wondrously simple and so incomparably beautiful. As you continue to live righteously, you will always be prompted to know what to do. Sometimes the discovery of what action to take may require significant effort and trust on your part. Yet you will be prompted to know what to do as you meet the conditions for such divine guidance in your life, namely, obedience to the commandments of the Lord, trust in His divine plan of happiness, and the avoidance of anything that is contrary to it.

Communication with our Father in Heaven is not a trivial matter. It is a sacred privilege. It is based upon eternal, unchanging principles. We receive help from our Father in Heaven in response to our faith, obedience, and the proper use of agency.

May the Lord inspire you to understand and use the principles that lead to personal revelation and inspiration, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Joshua turned 10!  A WHOLE decade old!!  I seriously can't believe that.

Going through 10 years of pictures takes a seriously long time.  It was very hard to narrow it down to 24 pictures.  But it also brought back lots of memories and emotions.  First, the shock of becoming new parents.  Joshua was planned, but I do not think anything could have prepared us for parenthood.  Then the amazing amount of cuteness and fun and laughter that Joshua brought into our lives.  Next, I cannot deny that there was a lot of frustration with him from preschool through early elementary.  He was just a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.  I sure wish we would have done some things differently with his education, instead of trying to do what everyone else was doing.  Those years came to an abrupt end at about the time the Elsa died.  Then there were the years that we grew together as a family, learning together, having fun together, enjoying each other, and supporting each other through our times of grief and sadness.  Then came Ollie and all the fun we've had since then.  I really think a lot of our Joshua.  He is turning into a really great young person!  Most notably he is so kind and thoughtful of others and their feelings.  He is also smart and fun and a big helper.  He is a great son and big brother.

I asked Joshua to share a few things about himself right now: