The Wood Between the Worlds

As I started to write the story of Ollie's grand entrance, I realized that I have enough backlog from the pregnancy that it warranted a blog entry of its own. 

There is a lot I could say about this pregnancy.  I kept my feelings quite private.  I'm not sure if this was because I had a difficult time feeling attached to this baby, or if my grief for Elsa and my grief for missing out on having a daughter was overriding my joy.  I feel the need to share now.  For one thing...easier to share now that it's over.  But also, I can't even begin to say how much I was helped by reading blogs of other mamas who had been through similar experiences.  We all do things a little differently, but there are always similarities...and tidbits which inspire.  I hope that I can help others in some small ways... 

I can say one positive thing about this pregnancy: it went by VERY quickly.  Even for me, the pregnant one.  I consider this a tender mercy.  It was a quick, mild, not very rainy winter.  And that helped keep away depression.  It has also been a nice, not very hot summer.  I had a profound experience when another angel mama lost her third baby boy.  The first two were twins, the next subsequent pregnancy and third boy unexpectedly lost again.  As my heart ached for her, I felt SO blessed to have my three boys alive.  The ache for Elsa and a daughter were still there, but were not allowed so much prominence in my mind and heart.   

I had A LOT of contractions during the second half of the pregnancy, starting at about 24 weeks.    Pre-Elsa, I would not have been worried, but considering I had a completely unexpected outcome with her, I was not taking anything for granted.  I was not completely paranoid during my whole pregnancy, but when potential problems came about I was very quick to act on them.  Once I got to the point in my pregnancy where I could feel the baby move on a regular basis, my worries abated quite a bit.  There was one point at about 27 weeks where I could not make the baby move by poking him.  That lasted for 5 or 10 minutes.  It was a panicky experience, since that is what happened the day before Elsa died.  So at my midwife appointment the next day, my midwife loaned me a fetalscope:
  It was very difficult to find the baby's heartbeat with this piece of equipment.  At first I wondered if it would cause more worry then it would help.  But after much persistence, and trial and error, I became fairly proficient at using a fetalscope.  The tricks are 1) it must be SILENT to hear the baby's heartbeat.  No kids making noise in the next room, no piano playing over yonder, no white noise of the fan.  2) you MUST know the position of the baby, and place the scope right on his back over his heart.

A couple of appointments later, my other midwife told me it was no small feat to find a baby's heartbeat with a fetalscope...and it was even more difficult to find your own baby's heartbeat with a fetalscope.  She asked me if I wanted a doppler instead.  So I took home one like this:
  And I suppose a doppler would be better in an emergency (real or perceived).  For one thing, I would be able to call my midwife and have her listen to the baby over the telephone.  But thankfully, I never ended up *needing* it!  I did listen to baby a few times for fun. 

One doctor I consulted with at the beginning of my pregnancy (who told me I was still low risk and could birth anywhere I wanted), told me that I should have fetal non-stress tests a couple of time per week starting a few weeks before I lost Elsa.  I ended up choosing not to do that.  I did not even have an ultrasound in my third trimester, which I really thought I would do.  It did not seem like the non-stress test would catch the problem that I had with Elsa (a broken vein in the umbilical cord), since it happened so quickly.  And the chances of it happening again were so minuscule.  I probably would've opted for a third trimester ultrasound if we weren't paying for it all out of pocket.  But I felt calm and peace about everything, and an assurance that nothing would go wrong.  There was no pressing feeling toward an ultrasound.  My midwife and I discussed the possible outcomes of said potential ultrasound.  What would I do if I found the cord wrapped anywhere, for example?  Would I go out and have a cesarean section for a wrapped cord, when 1/3 of all babies are born healthy with the cord wrapped somewhere?  Most likely, I would have chosen to monitor the baby's heartbeat carefully during contractions to make sure it was staying in the normal range...and transferred to a hospital for an emergency c-section if it was dipping dangerously low.  But his heartbeat was always good and normal.  And on top of that, my sweet little baby was considerate enough to move for me right before and after each contraction (pre-labor).  Just a little squirm was about all I needed to know that he was perfectly fine.  Fear abated.  Comfort and peace abounded.

What else can I say about this pregnancy?  Understandably, I had emotional issues.  I did go to a therapist at LDS Family Services for a few months right in the middle of the pregnancy.  But it only took me a few sessions to remember why I chose not to see a therapist in the beginning (right after Elsa died).  The only reason for my sadness was because I lost my daughter.  And the only immediate thing that would help me was my daughter being alive again, and a therapist can't help me with that...so...  Well, the validation from a therapist was nice.  She let me know just how traumatic and uncommon of an experience this was, and how it was completely normal to feel every single emotion that I was feeling (regardless of what my spiritual beliefs about resurrection and compensation are {I felt that I should and would be immediately compensated for Elsa's loss by having another daughter}).  Candid and true.  I ended up coping with the idea that I'm not having a daughter (YET!) by listening to this conference address by [the LDS church 2nd counselor] President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, about patience (over and over...some days I listened to it 3 times in a row).  Of course you MUST watch or listen to this talk about patience to get the full experience (so lovely).  At the beginning and middle of the pregnancy, I did not think that my emotional issues would get in the way of this pregnancy or birth at all.  But in the end I do think that they prolonged my pregnancy for a week or two while I worked through them and let some stuff go.  I'll write about that more in the birth story.

I just have to say that it was ALL worth it.  All of the emotional swings, all of the heaviness and lack of mobility, all of the hugeness.    For two years in a row I was pregnant.  I did not exercise like normal.  I was more out of shape, heavier, slower, larger and in more discomfort because of it.   It was ALL worth it for this little guy:
   Because he is very important.  He MUST be.  And he is very sweet and very mild.  He is a good, good baby.  And I love him more than I ever could have imagined.  I am enjoying him so, SO much.  I am totally in new baby la-la land.  Even just this evening I kissed his soft stomach and chest while I was changing his diaper and shed a tear of joy over the realization that he is ALIVE!