8/9/12
A couple of months back, Oliver turned 2! And I'
m finally going to try to get caught up.
I am not joking when I say that Oliver is a dreamboat of a toddler boy. He is so smart and sweet and when he gets into something (like all toddlers will), he stops when we ask him to and will help clean up. Ok we had a little rough patch with him for the first couple of months after Milo was born, but he's doing a lot better now. He is still taking good naps even though he learned to climb out of his crib. He still likes his pacifier, but will not melt down without it. He is still not done teething, and when he is we will start phasing out the pacifier. He still loves his blankets and kitty and other stuffed animals. He loves all animals and cars and books. He likes to color and pretend play. I LOVE his sweet face and his voice (he talks a lot!). He is our only kid so far with brown (brownish/olive green) eyes, so that is really special (Milo might have them too).
I have a pretty strict policy about what kind of toys I give my kids now (no small pieces, minimal plastic, nothing crappy that will end up in the garbage in less than a week, nothing huge). He got a stuffed mouse that you can dress and undress with zippers, buttons, hooks, etc. He also got a stuffed peacock to help him remember how much he loved the "gock-gock" at our old house, a cloth quiet book that he loves to play with, and a woodland creature house from Melissa and Doug (which is my favorite!). I saw that woodland creature house the Christmas after Elsa was born and thought "that is the kind of doll house I would have bought for Elsa," and that made me sad. So when I was trying to think of gifts for Ollie I thought of it again, as we already have too many cars and plenty of books...and Ollie LOVES little animals and pretend play, so it is PERFECT! He loves the little bunny and mouse in the house. He puts them in their chairs and beds. He also puts his cars and other toys in there.
It was a low-key kind of day. Brent had to work, and we had already officially celebrated his birthday with cake and ice cream and party guests at Milo's baby blessing open house. So Joshua made him waffles in the morning, and he ate them with fresh raspberry sauce, frozen blackberries and vanilla ice cream, with candles on top!
He did a great job blowing the candles out!
A one month old Milo.
Oliver is such a babe! Seriously!
I really should be in bed right now...but I feel like I need to get my thoughts and feelings down before I forget.
As to why I am starting this so late...my toddler has decided that it is about time he starts having an attitude and some independence. And it took me THREE hours to get him to bed tonight. I eventually had to give in and lay down with him so he would fall asleep. It took him so long that I fell asleep too. So technically I already have a couple of hours of sleep behind me for tonight. Let's hope this phase doesn't last long. He's been a great sleeper for the past year, and I'm hoping that tonight's debacle was due to him napping until 7:30 pm. Yeah...it was kind of one of those moments that we were blissfully unaware of how late it was getting. WON'T let it happen again!
Anyway...wow! It seems like I *just* posted about spring conference not too long ago, and here we are again! Except this time I am not pregnant and I have a three month old baby. Woah! But it seems like
General Conference is getting more and more applicable to my life each and every session. Or maybe I'm growing more aware of the spiritual prompting that Heavenly Father is sending me. Either way, more and more of the talks seem to apply just to me...and that is an amazing feeling. To think that I'm important enough to Heavenly Father that He would have his leaders and apostles speak about something I need to hear (I'm sure lots of other people needed to hear them too, but still!).
Here are just a few of the talks that I can recall off the top of my head:
President Thomas S. Monson's talk where the age of missionary service is lowered to 18 for men and 19 for women:
WOW! My first thought is that my son could be leaving on a mission in 7 and a half years, if he chooses to...no pressure to leave that soon!
My second thought is that I would've gone on a mission if the age was 19 instead of 21. I can't imagine how different my life would've been. I love the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, and I always have. I REALLY wanted to serve a mission. But alas, I met my husband when we were 17, he left on a mission when we were 19, and he came home when we were 21. I decided to marry him instead of leaving him for another year and a half. That was a great decision, and I have no regrets, because during that time I was able to graduate from college AND spend my summers serving the Young Women of our church at
Brighton LDS Camp. I did what the Lord wanted me to do with that time.
And last of all, WOW! I got complete goosebumps when I saw the newsfeed on my facebook account of all the Young Women who are 18 and 19, how excited they are about this new change, and how many of them are planning to go on a mission earlier, and what that means for our world. How is our world going to be changing in the next few years with this many more missionaries out there? How many more people will have the opportunity to learn of our Savior's love, and personal revelation through the holy ghost, and the saving ordinances that we participate in...including the one that allows families to be sealed together during this life, so that we can always be a family after we die? How much sooner is this going to get the earth ready for the return of our Savior? How much sooner is this going to make the great resurrection and the time that I get to hold Elsa again? All of these things will be wonderful, and I
hope know that these new missionaries will make a great difference in our world.
Elder Bowen's talk about his little boy that died too soon:
Ah! How sad it is that our children can die before their parents! This talk was such a comfort though, to know that other people...even General Authorities are going through the same challenges as I am, and some of us are. And that it is ok to know that we will never be the same until we are reunited as a family again. And to know that God is aware of me (and all of us baby-loss parents) to send us that message.
President Eyring's talk about submitting to the Lord's will and making ourselves more available to His will. Actually there were many, many talks about being disciples of Jesus and making ourselves totally available to His will. Elder Holland, Elder Hales, Elder Osguthorpe, Elder Bednar and President Monson's concluding remarks.
There were also a few talks specifically about how the Lord is aware of each of His children individually. I will have to go through and listen to all the talks again to sort them out, but the main one that sticks out to me is actually from the Relief Society broadcast from last weekend.
The Second Counselor Linda S. Reeves gave a talk which I felt was very similar to President Eyring's talk on Saturday. It seemed to speak to me specifically in certain ways that are just a little too private for me to share just yet...maybe someday. But it helped me greatly feel that the Lord is aware of me. But to add on my personal witness that the Lord is aware of me, I am going to share a very personal story from the day that Elsa was born. I wondered if I would ever feel the prompting to share this story publicly but after this General Conference, I feel like I must add my very sacred story of the knowledge I have that the Lord is real, and that He loves me very much. And THIS my friends (if you're still reading this far then truly you are my friend) is THE STORY that got me through (and still gets me through) the tragedy of Elsa's death.
This story starts on a Sunday. It is Stake Conference, and I am 38.5 weeks pregnant. I am having contractions in the morning. I wonder if I should go. Since it does not seem like active labor yet, I decide to go to stake conference and sit through the two hour meeting while I'm having contractions. I don't remember any of the talks from this meeting. I don't remember who spoke or what they said. But what I do remember, just like it was yesterday, was our Stake President getting up in front of the pulpit before the opening song (Hymn #52, The Day Dawn Is Breaking) and saying "The Lord wants us to sing this song today. I don't know why, but He does." I have never seen or heard of that happening before: someone getting up and saying specifically that the Lord chose a hymn, so it really touched me and I felt that *I* had better pay close attention to the words of the song. The hymn is all about the Second Coming, the Morning of the First Resurrection, the Millennium, happy reunion with our loved ones lost. So I think to myself, WOW! I wonder why the Lord wants us to sing this hymn? Is the Millennium coming soon? Cool! And I sit through the rest of the meeting, not really listening to the speakers because I am focusing on contractions that are getting stronger and closer together. And I am trying to keep my little boys (4 years old and 7 years old) from touching me or climbing on me. Yow! And I'm feeling kind of excited and hopeful that labor is starting and that my baby girl might be born today! And I'm sitting there with no conscious idea of what has already happened to my baby girl.
So what happens next, I've already shared. I've already shared
Elsa's birth story. You can go back and read it if you like. It's the most popular post on my blog. It might have gotten my midwives entangled in a stupid, unfounded little political mess.
Right after Elsa is born is when this story ties back in. I realized *why exactly* the Lord wanted us to sing "The Day Dawn Is Breaking" at Stake Conference, and why it was so important that our Stake President did something completely out of the ordinary by getting up and telling us so. That was for me. Out of everyone in the stake, it was for me. AND, the Lord did that for me. He did that to let me know that He was aware of my immense trial that would lie before me. He did that to reassure me that it was part of His plan. He did that to let me know what a special time the Morning of the First Resurrection was going to be for me. He did that to reassure me that I would get Elsa back, irregardless of the fact that she was stillborn and didn't take her first breath. He did that for me. And I know it! Whenever I think about it, it brings me great comfort. I can feel His arms wrapped around me, and know that He is aware of me.
My friends, I know that the Savior lives, and that He is aware of each of us.
8.5.12
We were lucky that Brent's parents were able to come up to Oregon for Milo's baby blessing. Their LDS mission in France was briefly interrupted by a health issue, which required surgery and a few months of recovery. During their recovery time, they traveled the Western states, visiting family. It was good fortune that their visit coincided with the day we had planned to bless Milo at our church. Since we just moved to a new ward congregation and didn't know anyone, and have no other close LDS family up here...it was a good thing they came to be in the very small blessing circle. I'm told it was a wonderful, short blessing! I was trying so hard to keep one of my kids quiet so I could listen to it, that before I knew it, it was over! Ah, the joys... Anyway, here is the day in pictures:
a challenging endeavor to get a picture where everyone is looking!
with Granddad
with Grandma
all of us together!
My self portrait in the mothers room.
I needed documentation of my new outfit and my hair and makeup, which rarely make it past the "just rolled out of bed" look.
sorry
9/10/2012
| Author:
jefferies
I just wanted to get on here quick and say sorry for my post last night. Several nights of little sleep have caught up with me and it's been a little tough. But that's no excuse. I love my life, and I'm grateful. I'm excited to exercise for myself...so I can feel good and happy. Whether or not I get pregnant again. And as far as that subject goes, I promise I will be happy whatever happens. I told myself when I was pregnant with Milo that whether girl or boy, I would be happy. Even if I have 10 boys and no more girls, I refuse to grow old, sad and bitter. I really hope we get another girl. I have all the faith and hope in the world that God could give us that blessing if it is His will. And we will pray about it, and follow His will. That's been my big lesson through all this...just learning to trust His plan for me. It's SO HARD to do. I like control. But I am slowly learning to let go... And as for comparing myself to others...it is poison! It only brings misery. That is another big lesson..one in which, admittedly I've been struggling with my whole life. I need to be happy as me, because that's what I have. I have so many friends having girls right now. Several of them are having their first girl after many boys. A couple of them are having a girl after loosing a girl and then having a boy. I feel like I'm being bombarded with all these mini tests. I will not be jealous, I will NOT be jealous! It's easy to feel happy for them, but hard to not be jealous too.
If you read this, thanks.
This is me speaking, today. Not two months ago. I'm going to skip a bunch of stuff to just get some thoughts down on here. Life has gotten a *bit* busier with four kids than it was with two or three...but it is especially busy because the two youngest are a baby and a busy, curious toddler. As much as I want to keep up on the blog...for my personal record, and for the friends and family we don't get to see much...it is kind of falling by the wayside. The first day of school is tomorrow so hopefully that means things will get less hectic, we'll be doing less stuff, I'll have less to blog about, and can catch up.
Did I mention I am a bit busier? Ok...really I'm getting spanked! It was *really* hard there for a while when baby wanted to nurse 24/7 and toddler was getting into everything. Baby wouldn't let me put him down and toddler resented that and started hitting him. Toddler is also very fond of the toilet, and that's not a good combination. *Sigh*. I can justify all of this insanity because I am SO, SO grateful to have healthy, breathing babies. While it does seem to be getting better in the baby neediness department and the toddler jealousy department...there were still those days that I had to break down and cry. UG! As much as I love my two babies, I can't help from thinking that we probably would've been done having babies after Elsa, if she hadn't have died...and I could be avoiding all this insanity! (Well we might have had one more...maybe). And I wonder why it is that some of my other friends got to have their two boys and one girl and head on their merry way...and we didn't. I know that everyone has their share of hardships, and I understand that others' hardships lie in another area...and it doesn't do any good to wish my trials were different because they aren't. And honestly, the biggest secret I've learned through all of this is that gratitude is the only way to be happy. And I am SO grateful.
{how could you NOT be grateful when you get to see that little mug everyday?}
And happy. But I'm also sad. It's a dichotomy that I think you can only understand if you've lost a very dear one. And so now we decide...do we keep having kids until we get another girl (can you picture me in a 15 passenger van...yeah, me neither), so the only thing I'm left mourning for is Elsa and not the loss of having a daughter {in this life} all together? Or do we adopt a girl? Adoption would be a sure thing...but NOT an easy road. Unless someone has a girl they want to give me. Someone GIVE ME A GIRL! Please. {I can be polite}. But we have some time to think about this...because like I said, I'm pretty tied up at the moment.
Have I mentioned that for a split second, I thought we might be adopting a baby a few weeks before Milo was born. Crazy, huh? My midwife had a client that needed a family for her baby at the last minute because she was backing out of her adoption agency. The client didn't know the gender. I thought it might be a girl, and it was. But we didn't get picked, and I'm glad. Can you imagine my life if I had twins and a toddler? Think I'm busy now?? No, seriously...we could have handled it, but I don't know how much we would've enjoyed or even remembered.
I didn't intend for this to be a whining post, and I'm sorry. I know that life isn't fair, and regardless of that I know that I am abundantly, ABUNDANTLY blessed in every aspect of my life. But I did want to say that school starts tomorrow!! And despite the fact that I will be sad to say goodbye to two great helpers with the baby/toddler and two great house cleaners, I will NOT miss their teasing and fighting! And despite the fact that I will miss summer and sunshine and spontaneous trips to the beach (but let's face it: it's not really spontaneous if it takes until noon to get out the door), I will be happy to have structure again. I will be happy to finally be able to potty train my toilet loving toddler, because we'll actually be home! It will feel so good to get into a regular exercise routine and get back in shape, so I can help kick that baby pudge out the door...and let's face it: so I can get into my skinny jeans again just to get pregnant again. Unless someone gives me a girl in the meantime! I'll also be excited to have time to sew and can and look at all the glorious recipes I've pinned on pinterest so I can plan my menu and grocery shopping around some fun new recipes! And BLOG! And start cloth diapering again because I'll actually be home to wash them. And maybe join a midwifery study group!
So if you are one of my friends who is 1) excitedly awaiting the arrival of a baby girl 2) sending your precious 3 year old daughter off to preschool, or 3) feeling guilty over the arrival of your newest baby because you no longer mourn your angel baby as much...know that I love you, and I'm happy for you. And wishing I was feeling the same. But I'm also grateful that I'm not...because I am in LOVE with Oliver and Milo. And I know that Elsa really is right here with me.
So ENJOY!
7.25.12
Indian Beach
Brent decided to try surfing his little white water kayak in the shallow waves. I liked it because it feels a lot safer to me than being on the river. He liked it becasue it was, well...fun! I think we have a keeper!
all ready to shove out to sea
It was Oliver's first year really getting to *play* at the beach. Last year, he was hardly mobile and we kept him in a pack and play for safe keeping. This year he LOVED it. Absolutely. And it is the lowest stress activity to do with all our kids. We set up camp and stay put, and they stay put and can play for hours. Easy! This is Ollie playing at the little stream, which flows across the beach into the sea.
Here Brent was pushing the kids around in the calm, ankle deep water.
a little more than 3 weeks old here
we set up the small tent on the beach this time, and that was the best idea ever!
Ollie eating snacks in the tent, not such a great idea.
This was about as close as Toby would get to being in the boat and the water. Maybe next year?
7.21.12
At almost three weeks postpartum, I was feeling pretty good and was wanting to get out for some fresh air and even a little exercise! I asked Brent to find us a little hike...somewhere we've never been before (a challenge!).
Cape Horn:
The Washington side of the Colombia River Gorge...beautiful!
Breastfeeding + hiking = double calorie torcher
most of the trails we have been on in the Gorge are pretty easy, quick jaunts to a waterfall or an overlook. NOT so much with this hike. It is a pretty long, pretty steep, pretty rocky switchback hike...but with GREAT views. NOT what I was expecting for us to do at 3 weeks postpartum. I didn't bring water or diapers or anything!
It ended up being about a three mile hike, which normally would be a great family hike for us...
if we were prepared. But also there was no signage on diverting trails, and so it wouldn't be too difficult to get lost. From what Brent read online, it was supposed to be a loop to an overlook, a waterfall, and then back to our car. We kept hiking and never found the connecting trail back to our car. We could have kept hiking for while and ended up down the busy highway from our car, but we decided to forgo the loop, and just head back to our car the way we came...even though it ended up being longer. At least we knew where we were going and when we were going to get there! Ah! Only stressful for a moment there until we decided to go back the way we came. But overall, a beauty of a hike.
we found the waterfall...almost no water this time of year.
Toby in front of Cape Horn overlook (the actually geological feature)...
I took a few pictures of the kids with my dslr camera...more practice!
Cape Horn
Uh oh! What's going on here? Deep thought? Boredom? Impending adolescence??
I'm a little worried. :)
the toddler is a very determined hiker...but hiking up a talus field is just too much for him.
...so he will ride on Brent's shoulders instead!
another serious shot of our big laddie
and our medium laddie
I really wanted to get a picture of Ollie's big round eyes, long lashes, beautiful lips and baby curls (before they were cut off).
Like I said we had a very lovely time on the hike, despite the moment or two of worry and stress...but the funniest part of this story happened the very next day.
Brent subscribes to this Portland hikers online forum, and the next day there was a review of this hike on the forum...which was obviously done by someone who passed us on the hike because they wrote about US!! Haha! Here's what they had to say:
"But I mentioned this is a new trail, right? Ouch! The rocks are pretty loose. Poles tend to be useless, as they plunge into the cracks with each plant. And some genius even designed one segment with seven or eight switchbacks down one of these slopes. I saw a family coming off that, two kids walking, each parent carrying another, one parent seemingly ready to scream at the other for "getting them into this mess!" "
Here's the link if you want to read it yourself! Which, by the way, I wasn't made at Brent for "getting us into this mess", but I think that either Brent or I may have been worried at that moment that we were not going to find the right trail back to our car. It was shortly thereafter we decided to go back the way we came. Still funny though!
The incredibly talented
Tara has done it again. At two weeks old, Milo had his pictures taken...and I LOVE the way they turned out!
Here are some that I took with my dslr...I thought I'd try to learn a thing or two from her:
I don't have photo shop to touch the pictures up the way she does,
but I think some of mine turned out pretty swell!
Tara also took some pictures of her little guy, and I wish she had them posted somewhere public for me to link to because they are absolutely breath-taking!!
I am very lucky to have a lot of friends in my life...I LOVE them all (hey you!). It's so nice to have a friend whose family fits your family, friend-wise. The adults are all friends, and the kids are all friends. That's how the Mansius family has been for us here in Oregon. Tara and I have so many things we love to do together from sewing and canning, to hiking and photography...and honestly the conversational therapy alone is golden.
Well, the most recent additions to our families happen to be born 1 day apart...so we can assume they will be besties too!
Milo is 10 days old here
it's all good and fine until someone decides to eat your head.
