Grief is a funny thing. I am finding that things I was thinking were going to make me sad are not. And some things that I was not expecting to make me sad are making me sad. Yesterday I was not expecting to be so sad about National Infant Loss Remembrance Day. And I was. Today I thought that I'd be really sad about Elsa's two month birthday. And I'm not so sad. Today I feel more grateful. Maybe it's because thinking about the "LOSS" is sad, and thinking about the "BIRTH" is beautiful. Losing Elsa is a hard thing...but her body and spirit are so beautiful, and I'm so grateful for that.
OF PICTURES Anyway...I had a thought a few days after Elsa was born. I was looking up at our family picture on our wall of when Toby was not quite two years old...and he was SO cute. And I was thinking that since Elsa looked a little bit like him, that I could imagine what Elsa might look like by picturing Toby with pigtails. Hahaha! (And this is the largest I can get this image since this file is a proof emailed from kiddie kandids...back in the day when we went there for our portraits...BT [before Tara]).
So I had this idea that on each of Elsa's milestones I could get a picture of Toby at that age and try to imagine it looking a little more feminine, and maybe get a glimpse of what Elsa will someday look like.
Toby and Elsa at birth
Toby at 1 Month
Toby at 2 months: look at all that chub!
Another cute one at 2 months:
Now back to Infant Loss Remembrance Day/Month:
I have been doing some things for this. I just haven't felt up to blogging about it yet.
WALK TO REMEMBER/HIKE
Last Saturday there was a "Walk to Remember" our little ones lost. The ides is to walk the steps that our little ones cannot (at least not yet). Sounds like a good idea right? Well, I thought so too...but Brent was scheduled to work that day, so I wasn't going to go. But then my sister Annika (who lives on the other side of the metro area) said that she wanted to go with me. Great! But then I had a slow morning getting the boys out the door, so when we got to the 'walk', the walk was completely over. Never fear! There was a beautiful and short remembrance ceremony afterward. Perfect! Except that the boys really didn't want to be there. They just wanted to play. So Annika took the boys out to play and I watched the short ceremony and lit a candle for Elsa.
Annika and the boys having refreshments
Then since we missed the walk, we decided to take a walk of our own. We drove down to Hopkins Demonstration Tree Farm and took a little hike. We finally let the boys play!
SUPPORT GROUP
Next, Brent and I were lucky enough to get a babysitter for a Monday night to go to an Infant Loss Support Group that is held monthly in the Portland area. I finally decided to go since my midwife has been asking me to for the last two months. It is a really nice group. It was facilitated by Pat Schwiebert the author of two books we now own (and also the author of many other books):
Anyway...group was really good. We met 6 other couples who are dealing with infant loss. We all sat in a circle in a really OLD and huge haunted-looking mansion in old Portland (the Peace House), in the living room with a blazing fire in the fireplace. We each took a turn telling our stories. It's really interesting to hear other's stories.
First there was the couple that lit not one candle...but three! (you light a candle for the infant you lost). I was floored! This couple had three losses! The last two were twins. And they do not have any other children. The poor mama ended her story with "I wonder if I will ever get a take home baby." My heart is still aching for her.
The next couple lit a candle for their little boy lost to SIDS at 3 months old.
The next couple lit a candle for their baby girl, a perfectly healthy full term pregnancy but had a ruptured umbilical vessel during labor (kind of like Elsa...but in labor instead of before). She was born alive, but had lost so much blood that her organs had been without oxygen for too long. She could not be saved...even at the hospital.
The next mama lit a candle for her baby daughter. They found at their 20 week ultrasound that all was not right with the baby. She was told that her baby could die at anytime because of her condition. The baby was carried to term and much to everyone's surprise, lived to the age of three months!
The next mama, an early pregnancy loss.
What I learned from this experience:
1- It doesn't matter how far along you are in your pregnancy when you loose your baby. Once you see the positive pregnancy test...that baby is yours. Even an early pregnancy loss means the loss of a dream and a plan for a baby.
2- Every person who has a loss also has something to be grateful for in the loss.
3- It does NOT make the loss any easier if you knew about it before hand...or if your baby was not healthy. I am so sorry that I didn't realize this point much earlier in my life.
4- There are so many ways for babies to die. It does not necessarily happen in the womb. We need to cling to our loved ones ALL the time, because we never know when they will have to leave.
5- There are so many thing that you thought you'd never do, when you loose a loved one...like holding a dead baby in your living room.
6- Other people's losses can really put your life into perspective.
7- As much as we try to imagine what age or milestone our babies 'would have been at' from time to time, they will be frozen in our minds at the age in which they died. (This is because they will be resurrected at that age and will then have the chance to grow.)
8- I am so, SO, SOOO extraordinarily grateful that I KNOW that I will hold Elsa again. A lot of these parents seemed to be saddened the most by the thought of never seeing or holding their babies again. I just wanted to shout out to them YES YOU WILL! In my religion, we believe that parents will have the opportunity to raise their resurrected baby during the millenium (after Jesus returns to earth) from the age of the baby's death. You can read more about that here. And as I have recently read in a talk by the late Elder Wirthlin from our church's General Conference we believe that "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss". The words in this talk are like a healing salve to my bleeding heart. "That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."Furthermore, can you IMAGINE what it will be like to raise a perfect, immortal, ressurected child in the millenium? I can only feel gratitude that I will have that opportunity. (I am sorry to any of you who may be confused...all I can say is click on the button on the side of the blog "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" to look for further clarification).
I don't know if I will go back to the support group or not. On the one hand, it was really nice to tell my story to people who understand...REALLY understand. And I really love each of those peole there. But on the other hand, it is so hard to hear how many ways a baby has died. I think that if I want to have hope to go forward with faith in my life, I can't constantly be dwelling on death. I need to have faith that life and death each happen in the Lord's own time and place. Birth and death...each is a sacred right of passage. Oh how well I know that now!
And I will move on...from the pain. I will never move on from Elsa. But I will eventually be able to leave the pain behind through the love of my family, the support of friends, and the love of the Lord.
Please light a candle at 7 pm to honor our precious babies who have been lost. Even though we know we will see them again, this loss represents the pain of a lifetime without these children...the loss of our plans and our dreams. The hurt is always there to some degree in this life.
Toby is very attached to his things. He gets his favorite toy or favorite random object and carries it around the house with him for days. Sometimes these toys and random objects end up in Toby's bed with him. I don't usually notice too much what is in his bed with him because he has a large full sized bed, which also happens to be the bottom bunk on the boy's bunk bed. Yesterday as I was changing Toby's sheets, I was giggling to myself at all the RANDOM things he had collected in his bed over the past few weeks. I just thought I had to document it:
sock monkey
star wars ship with R2D2 and luke skywalker action figure
a paper plate mask that he made
two books
a mama clown fish stuffed animal and her baby
coloring page from a random restaurant
a harry potter action card
two of his favorite birthday cards
a glidden top 10 accent colors paint card (which he loves because it is orange...his favorite)
a manual for a star wars early learning cd rom
his toy woody's camping lantern and sleeping bag (but no woody)
an acorn...AN ACORN? REALLY?
a wooden toy rolling pin (oh how he loves making cookies with me)
a paper heart which I helped him cut out and he colored orange (the outer heart for me and the inner heart for Elsa)
an orange transformer toy
a white lego
a paper on which he wrote 'harry potter' (he is so proud of it)
a beanie baby diego toy
a legoish diego toy
a toy suitcase
a playmobile pirate oar
a red wire shopping basket which goes with the toy food
Like I said: RANDOM!
hahahaha! Who ever said that doing meanial household chores can't be entertaining. Toby is such a funny kid...but I wonder if this behavior is kind of mental? hahaha!
Hey folks - this is Brent, here. Kate often urges me to contribute. So, here I go with my first post ever:
I notice the moon a lot. I think about the moon a lot. Some of the first calendars were based on the lunar cycle - we still see remnants of that in our modern calendars. I figure that it is pretty important to know where you stand in the whole cosmic time scheme - it may help you to know what you ought to think, feel, and do at certain times. A few years ago, after visualizing the movement of the earth and the moon around each other in the light of the sun, I came up with these words to help me keep things straight:
If the moon is up when the sun doth set, that means it shall wax brighter yet.
If the moon is up when the sun doth rise, that means it shall decrease in size.
I have had a few experiences lately that have got me thinking.
1) I have a friend who more recently than me had a stillbirth :*( (it seems like the season of losses). I have been emailing her and telling her about what I have learned in the past 8 weeks. From doing this, I realized that I have made a lot of progress in healing. The two most important things are: I am at peace with God over my loss, and I know the loss was not my fault. And in fact, because of the statistics, I am pretty darn sure this will never happen to me again.
2) I talked to a friend recently who is single. She told me that in the past she has tried to be happy and get on with her life, but she has had a constant ache about not having a family of her own. I can definitely relate to that ache, however, I realized also how VERY grateful I am for the FAMILY that I have...including the ones in the spirit world...the ones who have gone before me and the ones who have yet to come. I am especially so grateful for Brent. I know that he is my greatest gift from a loving Heavenly Father. My friend went on to tell me that she has now chosen not to feel that ache, but just trust Heavenly Father that she will have a family someday. What an awesome example to me, since fear and faith cannot exist together. Which brings me to my next thought:
3) Today I was in one of my favorite children's clothing stores and I couldn't help noticing how adorable their girl stuff was. That made me a little sad. But then I thought: I cannot let fear or doubt into my heart. I am going to have another daughter. I am absolutely sure of that. I just have to have patience.
4) When I think of Elsa I only want to feel happy. I only want to think of her loveliness and her perfectness. I only want to think of the day which I will embrace her and cradle her in my arms again. I am going to try my hardest to focus on my spiritual relationship with her, because I believe that if I can keep focusing on that I will get to know her better than I ever would've in this life.
5) Elsa was once the daughter of my dreams. She came so close to being my reality. And once again, she is the daughter of my dreams.
If I don't blog for a while you can assume I'm doing fine. In fact, I'm doing much better since I posted that 'vent' last week. It's amazing how a little vent can ease some tension and help things feel better.
I loved watching our churches general conference this last weekend. The messages were all so comforting and uplifting. You can go here to listen or watch. My favorite was from President Uchtdorf in the Saturday morning session, because it was all about love which was what I had been thinking about already.
We were really lucky to have a visitor with us on Saturday through Monday. Out of the blue, a friend that I worked with at Brighton Camp back in 1998 sent me a message on Facebook asking if she could stay with us for a couple of nights. She bought a ticket from Jet Blue that lets you travel anywhere they fly within a months time, so she has been touring the United States. How fun! It was awesome to watch conference with her, stay up late catching up, and hiking today. My little boys just loved her. She played with them to their hearts content. Anyway, here are some pictures from our hike today:
Horsetail Falls, Oneonta Gorge and Triple Falls
Toby, Cookie and I at the bottom of Lower Horsetail Falls
sitting in a hollow tree
upper horsetail falls
another lovely fall that you can hike behind
we hiked behind the fall and entered a wood where the sun shining through the trees took my breath away
Cookie and Toby with the Colombia River in the background
we ended our little hike at the bridge which crosses Oneonta Gorge over Triple Falls
One of the three Triple Falls
Gorgeous Day!
We rushed Cookie to the airport just in time for her to catch her flight to her next city!
I don't know why, but you have to start the video at 11 seconds...or else it won't work.
Thinking 'Bout You by Yusuf Islam When i hold your hand,
I could fly a zillion miles with you.
When I see your grace,
I can see you're God's words come true.
Every little bird above the haze,
and fish beneath the waves,
knows about you...
wouldn't they do.
When I see your eyes,
I can see rainbows in the sky.
Being with you,
all who parted reunite.
Every little pearl drop in the clouds,
and stones beneath the ground,
are waiting for you...
wouldn't they do.
Whatever you say
lightens up the burden of the day.
Whatever you do
makes us ever want to follow you.
Whatever they say,
Whatever they do,
I'll always love you.
Every burning comet that zooms,
and angels too,
think about you...
wouldn't they do.
Thinkin' bout you,
I could climb a mountain in the dark.
Listenin' to you,
Flowers dance in the park.
Whatever they say,
whatever they do,
We'll always love you.
The words that you say,
lightens up the burdens of the day.
Whatever you do,
makes us want to follow you.
Whatever they say,
Whatever they do,
I'll always love you. ---------
One thing that I really enjoy about my life is that those whom I love, I love fiercely
Thoughts on coping from baby loss support web site Brief Encounters (with emphasis added by me):
Honor your feelings. No matter how strong or forgiving or smart or moral you thought you were, you will be surprised at the intensity of your emotions. Shock, anger, fantasizing endlessly about "what if?" and even scary thoughts, like relief at not having the baby and/or desires for revenge, may all generate from your bereaved self.
Honor your tears. There is nothing wrong with crying. Crying helps get the sad and the mad out of you. Crying is like gentle melting. Just when you think you have stopped crying, more memories, thoughts or new facets of your loss bring fresh tears--sometimes at the most awkward moments. Like anything that's been taken without your consent, it takes time to realize all that you've lost. And each discovery brings more pain.
Feeling Guilty is ok. Feeling you have failed your baby, abandoned him or her, or that you are being punished are common. You may have guilt over surviving, or even thriving, when your baby is dead.
Expect yourself to repeat and/or contradict yourself. You may find yourself wanting everyone to know what's happened, or you may find yourself wanting to keep your loss private. If talking helps, then talk. Being involved with people in some way will help your recovery, making you more confident about your ability to go on with your life. The best care you can ask for from friends is not to protect you from the pain, but to support you in going through it. Ask them to "just listen".
Understand that grief takes much longer to resolve than most people realize. Grief is both physical and emotional. Trust your psyche to know how long, and in what way, you need to recover. Consider every task you complete even if it's as simple as getting dressed, a major achievement.
Expect that people may say the "wrong" things. Your friends, relatives and perhaps even medical providers may try to explain away what happened in ways that are scientific, religious or rational. You may hear that "it was meant to be..." or "it's probably better this way...". Be prepared to hear troubling explanations or niceties from some people; know that they are probably trying to soothe you. They may also be trying to protect themselves from powerful feelings. Ask them to "just listen".
Anyway...I had a thought a few days after Elsa was born. I was looking up at our family picture on our wall of when Toby was not quite two years old...and he was SO cute. And I was thinking that since Elsa looked a little bit like him, that I could imagine what Elsa might look like by picturing Toby with pigtails. Hahaha! (And this is the largest I can get this image since this file is a proof emailed from kiddie kandids...back in the day when we went there for our portraits...BT [before Tara]). 
