Honor your feelings. No matter how strong or forgiving or smart or moral you thought you were, you will be surprised at the intensity of your emotions. Shock, anger, fantasizing endlessly about "what if?" and even scary thoughts, like relief at not having the baby and/or desires for revenge, may all generate from your bereaved self.
Honor your tears. There is nothing wrong with crying. Crying helps get the sad and the mad out of you. Crying is like gentle melting. Just when you think you have stopped crying, more memories, thoughts or new facets of your loss bring fresh tears--sometimes at the most awkward moments. Like anything that's been taken without your consent, it takes time to realize all that you've lost. And each discovery brings more pain.
Feeling Guilty is ok. Feeling you have failed your baby, abandoned him or her, or that you are being punished are common. You may have guilt over surviving, or even thriving, when your baby is dead.
Expect yourself to repeat and/or contradict yourself. You may find yourself wanting everyone to know what's happened, or you may find yourself wanting to keep your loss private. If talking helps, then talk. Being involved with people in some way will help your recovery, making you more confident about your ability to go on with your life. The best care you can ask for from friends is not to protect you from the pain, but to support you in going through it. Ask them to "just listen".
Understand that grief takes much longer to resolve than most people realize. Grief is both physical and emotional. Trust your psyche to know how long, and in what way, you need to recover. Consider every task you complete even if it's as simple as getting dressed, a major achievement.
Expect that people may say the "wrong" things. Your friends, relatives and perhaps even medical providers may try to explain away what happened in ways that are scientific, religious or rational. You may hear that "it was meant to be..." or "it's probably better this way...". Be prepared to hear troubling explanations or niceties from some people; know that they are probably trying to soothe you. They may also be trying to protect themselves from powerful feelings. Ask them to "just listen".
Honor your tears. There is nothing wrong with crying. Crying helps get the sad and the mad out of you. Crying is like gentle melting. Just when you think you have stopped crying, more memories, thoughts or new facets of your loss bring fresh tears--sometimes at the most awkward moments. Like anything that's been taken without your consent, it takes time to realize all that you've lost. And each discovery brings more pain.
Feeling Guilty is ok. Feeling you have failed your baby, abandoned him or her, or that you are being punished are common. You may have guilt over surviving, or even thriving, when your baby is dead.
Expect yourself to repeat and/or contradict yourself. You may find yourself wanting everyone to know what's happened, or you may find yourself wanting to keep your loss private. If talking helps, then talk. Being involved with people in some way will help your recovery, making you more confident about your ability to go on with your life. The best care you can ask for from friends is not to protect you from the pain, but to support you in going through it. Ask them to "just listen".
Understand that grief takes much longer to resolve than most people realize. Grief is both physical and emotional. Trust your psyche to know how long, and in what way, you need to recover. Consider every task you complete even if it's as simple as getting dressed, a major achievement.
Expect that people may say the "wrong" things. Your friends, relatives and perhaps even medical providers may try to explain away what happened in ways that are scientific, religious or rational. You may hear that "it was meant to be..." or "it's probably better this way...". Be prepared to hear troubling explanations or niceties from some people; know that they are probably trying to soothe you. They may also be trying to protect themselves from powerful feelings. Ask them to "just listen".
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I love you all. Thanks for "just listening."
4 comments:
All of that was perfect. Good advice and inspired direction can be so helpful and soothing.
Love the contradicting point...it sooo true. I go back and forth. I think its confused my family on how to help me best but oh well. These are great points!
I'm not sure if I've already told you this, but reading your blog is really helping me a lot, like I feel like I have permission to still grieve our loss and I can spend as much mental time and energy with our baby Matthew as I want. And the things you post are so beautiful and real that it makes me want to spend even more time with him. Thank you for giving and sharing so much!
hang in there, sweet friend. xoxo