Today is Elsa's two month birthday.
Grief is a funny thing. I am finding that things I was thinking were going to make me sad are not. And some things that I was not expecting to make me sad are making me sad. Yesterday I was not expecting to be so sad about National Infant Loss Remembrance Day. And I was. Today I thought that I'd be really sad about Elsa's two month birthday. And I'm not so sad. Today I feel more grateful. Maybe it's because thinking about the "LOSS" is sad, and thinking about the "BIRTH" is beautiful. Losing Elsa is a hard thing...but her body and spirit are so beautiful, and I'm so grateful for that. OF PICTURES
Anyway...I had a thought a few days after Elsa was born. I was looking up at our family picture on our wall of when Toby was not quite two years old...and he was SO cute. And I was thinking that since Elsa looked a little bit like him, that I could imagine what Elsa might look like by picturing Toby with pigtails. Hahaha! (And this is the largest I can get this image since this file is a proof emailed from kiddie kandids...back in the day when we went there for our portraits...BT [before Tara]). So I had this idea that on each of Elsa's milestones I could get a picture of Toby at that age and try to imagine it looking a little more feminine, and maybe get a glimpse of what Elsa will someday look like.
Toby and Elsa at birth
Toby at 1 Month
Toby at 2 months: look at all that chub!
Another cute one at 2 months:
Now back to Infant Loss Remembrance Day/Month:
I have been doing some things for this. I just haven't felt up to blogging about it yet.
WALK TO REMEMBER/HIKE
Last Saturday there was a "Walk to Remember" our little ones lost. The ides is to walk the steps that our little ones cannot (at least not yet). Sounds like a good idea right? Well, I thought so too...but Brent was scheduled to work that day, so I wasn't going to go. But then my sister Annika (who lives on the other side of the metro area) said that she wanted to go with me. Great! But then I had a slow morning getting the boys out the door, so when we got to the 'walk', the walk was completely over. Never fear! There was a beautiful and short remembrance ceremony afterward. Perfect! Except that the boys really didn't want to be there. They just wanted to play. So Annika took the boys out to play and I watched the short ceremony and lit a candle for Elsa.
Annika and the boys having refreshments
Then since we missed the walk, we decided to take a walk of our own. We drove down to Hopkins Demonstration Tree Farm and took a little hike. We finally let the boys play!
SUPPORT GROUP
Next, Brent and I were lucky enough to get a babysitter for a Monday night to go to an Infant Loss Support Group that is held monthly in the Portland area. I finally decided to go since my midwife has been asking me to for the last two months. It is a really nice group. It was facilitated by Pat Schwiebert the author of two books we now own (and also the author of many other books):
Good books, but I hope you never need them.
Anyway...group was really good. We met 6 other couples who are dealing with infant loss. We all sat in a circle in a really OLD and huge haunted-looking mansion in old Portland (the Peace House), in the living room with a blazing fire in the fireplace. We each took a turn telling our stories. It's really interesting to hear other's stories.
First there was the couple that lit not one candle...but three! (you light a candle for the infant you lost). I was floored! This couple had three losses! The last two were twins. And they do not have any other children. The poor mama ended her story with "I wonder if I will ever get a take home baby." My heart is still aching for her.
The next couple lit a candle for their little boy lost to SIDS at 3 months old.
The next couple lit a candle for their baby girl, a perfectly healthy full term pregnancy but had a ruptured umbilical vessel during labor (kind of like Elsa...but in labor instead of before). She was born alive, but had lost so much blood that her organs had been without oxygen for too long. She could not be saved...even at the hospital.
The next mama lit a candle for her baby daughter. They found at their 20 week ultrasound that all was not right with the baby. She was told that her baby could die at anytime because of her condition. The baby was carried to term and much to everyone's surprise, lived to the age of three months!
The next mama, an early pregnancy loss.
What I learned from this experience:
1- It doesn't matter how far along you are in your pregnancy when you loose your baby. Once you see the positive pregnancy test...that baby is yours. Even an early pregnancy loss means the loss of a dream and a plan for a baby.
2- Every person who has a loss also has something to be grateful for in the loss.
3- It does NOT make the loss any easier if you knew about it before hand...or if your baby was not healthy. I am so sorry that I didn't realize this point much earlier in my life.
4- There are so many ways for babies to die. It does not necessarily happen in the womb. We need to cling to our loved ones ALL the time, because we never know when they will have to leave.
5- There are so many thing that you thought you'd never do, when you loose a loved one...like holding a dead baby in your living room.
6- Other people's losses can really put your life into perspective.
7- As much as we try to imagine what age or milestone our babies 'would have been at' from time to time, they will be frozen in our minds at the age in which they died. (This is because they will be resurrected at that age and will then have the chance to grow.)
8- I am so, SO, SOOO extraordinarily grateful that I KNOW that I will hold Elsa again. A lot of these parents seemed to be saddened the most by the thought of never seeing or holding their babies again. I just wanted to shout out to them YES YOU WILL! In my religion, we believe that parents will have the opportunity to raise their resurrected baby during the millenium (after Jesus returns to earth) from the age of the baby's death. You can read more about that here. And as I have recently read in a talk by the late Elder Wirthlin from our church's General Conference we believe that "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss". The words in this talk are like a healing salve to my bleeding heart. "That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." Furthermore, can you IMAGINE what it will be like to raise a perfect, immortal, ressurected child in the millenium? I can only feel gratitude that I will have that opportunity. (I am sorry to any of you who may be confused...all I can say is click on the button on the side of the blog "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" to look for further clarification).
I don't know if I will go back to the support group or not. On the one hand, it was really nice to tell my story to people who understand...REALLY understand. And I really love each of those peole there. But on the other hand, it is so hard to hear how many ways a baby has died. I think that if I want to have hope to go forward with faith in my life, I can't constantly be dwelling on death. I need to have faith that life and death each happen in the Lord's own time and place. Birth and death...each is a sacred right of passage. Oh how well I know that now!
And I will move on...from the pain. I will never move on from Elsa. But I will eventually be able to leave the pain behind through the love of my family, the support of friends, and the love of the Lord.
2 comments:
A woman i know who returns to professional counseling periodically has often told me: it's all there in the gospel.
And--good call on comparing to Toby! My 2 & 3 (boy and then girl) have looked SO much alike since second 1. They are best friends and since she cut her hair she looks a ton like him again!
I can't read your blog. I just bawl!!! Love you Kate! You are amazing!