It is a picture of his bed and Joshua's bed and a ladder from each bed going up to heaven. Toby learned from Scripture Scouts and the story of Jacob's ladder, that when you pray it is like a ladder that takes you up to heaven. At the top of the ladder, in heaven is Elsa. Words cannot even express how grateful I am that Elsa is remembered and important to someone else besides me. I'm starting to feel in some ways like I'm just expected to forget this ever happened. Toby remembers Elsa.
He has actually drawn several pictures similar to this one over the past 18 months. He always includes her when he draws a picture of our family.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how in February, Elsa would have been 18 months old and going into nursery. In our church culture, that's a pretty big milestone! I can hardly believe it. I still have the little dresses I bought before she was born, in which I envisioned her wearing to nursery, folded up in a box. That's 18 months closer to when I'll get to hold her again. I keep seeing other moms with their little girls; their baby girls...and I try so hard not to get jealous. I keep thinking: that was not my plan, that was not our plan. I'm trying to be gracious. And I try to think I'm just waiting a little bit longer for my little girl than those other moms are.
Today in church one of my friends got a new calling to be a nursery worker. It just reminded me all over again that Elsa would have been in nursery now. Especially since an older lady in our ward told me once when I was pregnant with Elsa that she wondered who the nursery worker would be when my baby and my two friends' babies (we were all pregnant at the same time) got to be nursery age. At the time she told me that she felt sorry for whomever that nursery worker was going to be (my two friends and I had a total of 9 fairly rambunctious boys between the three of us...I was having the first girl). That was kind of a stab to the heart. I would like to think that even though my boys can be rambunctious, that they are also lovable, smart, kind and enjoyable kids to other people as well. Anyway, since that comment I have forgiven her...but since she made that comment all of those babies are gone. Two have moved away and one has died. And the reason why I point that out is because I think it is SO important that we guard our words carefully. We shouldn't even say things like that to people in jest. We have no idea what they're going through or what they're going to be going through. Our words are like arrows that can never be recalled. And today when my friend was called to be the nursery worker, I thought: there! She's the one who would have been the nursery worker for Elsa, and Elsa's little boyfriends...if only that had been our plan.
Now I have one more question for you all in bloggerland. Why do I know so many people having boys and only boys right now? (You don't have to answer that.) Obviously, it's become a thorn in my side, and I wish it wasn't. I love my boys more than peanut butter loves jelly. They are all my best friends.
5 comments:
I know that this is a question that has no need for an answer, but I know someone feeling the same, but different. She only has girls, has a very hard time getting pregnant, and just found out she was having another girl. Hearing about people like you with 3 or 5 boys of their own makes her a bit jealous.
She just said the same thing to me yesterday "why do I know so many people having boys right now? Even ones that were told they were having a girl, came out as boys!" (that happened to three of her friends recently) She's feeling like, then why can't I just have one. An interesting flip side. I wonder why it works this way.
p.s. Kate, I love your boys like cookies loves milk!
You know, I think about Elsa almost every day...little birdies remind me of her and you and your family, and I have always loved birds. We have bird feeders hanging in our tree (which I need to refill come to think of it). I see birds in art and think of you. I had a dream about a little meadowlark landing on my finger last night...and even in my dream, I thought of Elsa and you guys.
yesterday in Primary the whole Sharing time I taught (from the "manual")was on the "plan" and following Heavenly Father's plan for each person. I hope you get your sweet little girl here. I know you will get your Elsa later on. OUr plans are just that ours. Each one unique to us and our strengths and weeknesses. Here I sit at 37 with the hope of another child. Never was that my plan but I am grateful it was someone else's. Loved your post. kappy
I think about her all the time. Almost every time I see Bennett (especially when we are with you guys), I think of Elsa, and wish she was here to play with her little buddy. It's hard to move on from how I envisioned things would be when we were all pregnant together. And lately I've been really praying for peace and understanding about the fact that my family is an all boy family, and I've been reassured that there is a good reason for it, and that someday that reason will be made clear to me, but right now I am supposed to just have faith.
my good friend lost her little boy a few days after birth, similar to your story. I am so sorry for your grief, I know it's a never ending pain, I hope you find some answers along the way. I love that picture your boy drew. She is just a long ladder's reach away :)